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Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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McSweeney’s
Text • Maria Choong

My Ideal Building Contractor

“I don’t believe in door-to-door solicitation, so I’m glad you called me to be one of the twenty-seven quotes you’ll receive for a storm door, after which you’ll decide you no longer want a storm door.” [Knocks on wall] “Wow—every repair in this house done by the previous ow...

McSweeney’s
Text • Dorian Fox

These Exciting Progressive Candidates Who Might Lose Must Be Replaced by Boring Moderates Who Will Definitely Lose

Here at the DNC, we’ve been dismayed by the string of progressive and socialist candidates who’ve recently won primaries in Michigan, Colorado, and even deep-red Florida. Sure, these folks might stir up enthusiasm and make a splash online, but when they’re tested in a genera...

McSweeney’s
Text • John Moe

Selected Calendar Times for Someone Self-Employed Who Works from Home

September 14 1:30 p.m. – 2 p.m. Team meeting and staring session w/ strange spot on wall (weekly, recurring) Heads of facilities and maintenance (both self) invited to offer theories, ideas HR and Marketing leads (both self) invited to explore the idea of naming the spot “...

McSweeney’s
Text • Jonathan Zeller

Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

When I awoke on RTO Day (officially “Remain to Office,” since management maintained that I’d misremembered and we’d always been in office six days a week), I was not as excited as I should have been. I felt queasy at the thought of signing the Memorandum of Loving RTO as a c...

McSweeney’s
Text • Claire Guinan

About Our Super El Niño Climate Crisis–Accurate Hot Pilates Studio

Here at DIE HOT Pilates (SoHo), we do things a little differently. We’re your new favorite fitness fusion studio blending elements of Pilates, barre, yoga, drought, inclement weather, the 1930s Dust Bowl, Zara Larsson, HIIT, cardio, cardiac arrest, and fun. Our UNIQLO-adjace...

McSweeney’s
Text • Noah Seligman

I’m Your Friend Who Just Doesn’t “Do Politics”

Look, we’ve known each other for how many years now? You remember how we met, of course. We’re current or former work colleagues whose kids go to school or play sports together or some other extracurricular activity, so we connected on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and in our...

McSweeney’s
Text • Ali Fitzgerald

Barren World

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
Text • Amanda Uhle

Voice of Witness Returns to McSweeney’s

Hi everyone, What a pleasure to share some wonderful news about the crucial work of our longtime sister organization, Voice of Witness, publisher of dozens of incredible books illuminating human rights crises. As you may know, the leadership of VOW made the difficult decisio...

McSweeney’s
Text • Joe Kleinschmidt

This Boat Is for Silent Brooding

I can tell you didn’t come to this boat expo for puerile recreation. I mean, you walked right past the Alumacraft booth. No, something tells me you understand that having a boat isn’t about holding a fishing rod and chugging a cold one. It’s really a place to harbor your mos...

McSweeney’s
Text • Kristen Koopman

Generic State University Pivots to Dark Academia

Generic State University has been proudly upholding its mission to provide opportunities and build character in all students since its founding. Now, we turn our attention to the next frontier of education: joining the ranks of Dark Academia, which we are mostly sure we coul...

McSweeney’s
Text • JiJi Lee

US Open Ticket Options for Ordinary Folks

The US Open prides itself on being an inclusive tennis event for people of all upper-income brackets. Here are some budget-friendly ticket options that are still available. Underground Pass Tennis fans can now experience the US Open as they’ve never experienced it before: on...

McSweeney’s
Text • Ginny Hogan

Future Iterations of Woke

“‘Woke 1.0 was crazy,’ Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York said in a recent interview. The congresswoman, speaking on ABC’s This Week, seemed to distance herself from the positions of an era of Democratic politics around 2020… If Woke 1.0 is in the past, when...

McSweeney’s
Text • Katy Maiolatesi and Kelley Greene

Reviews of New Food: Panera Bread Salad Stuffers

Upon entering a Panera To Go restaurant, you’re greeted by barren decor: millennial-gray tiles, a row of tablets, and not a single human in sight. It’s the uncanny valley version of a fast-casual restaurant, and it’s unnerving. As you approach the counter, it quickly becomes...

McSweeney’s
Text • Paula Grace

FAQs for the Women’s Invisibility Network

What is the Women’s Invisibility Network? The Women’s Invisibility Network (or WIN) is a neighborhood support group for women in their sunset years. We assist aging women tossed aside by society, who are still capable of great feats, because they’re invisible. WINners meet i...

McSweeney’s
Text • Bruno Pieroni

A Field Guide to the Wildlife of Lake America

McSweeney’s
Text • Jason Roeder and Mike Sacks

All Aboard Your Disease-Free Late-Summer Cruise

Summer’s winding down, but the FUN’S just getting started. Onboard our fleet of immaculately sanitized cruise liners, you and your family will discover an ocean of possibilities while minimizing your exposure to hantavirus, norovirus, Legionnaires’ disease, and so much more....

McSweeney’s
Text • Jack Loftus

I’m the Guy Who Destroys Antique Books After We Scan Them into Our Company’s Insatiable AI Platform

“Vendors and rare books experts are increasingly worried that these artifacts may be under threat of destruction by generative AI companies seeking to feed their ravenous technology with new texts. Fears stem from a copyright lawsuit brought against [Anthropic] by book autho...

McSweeney’s
Text • Samantha Hesburgh

Back-to-School Shopping List for the End-of-Times Academic Year

Welcome back, students and parents, for another, possibly the last, functioning school year! Both the literacy crisis and moral deterioration of our leaders pretty much guarantee our school will be shuttered soon. But in the meantime, we hope to have a well-rounded, fun year...

McSweeney’s
Text • Carlos Greaves

Relax, If Food Is No Longer Safe to Eat, Just Eat Cake

It seems like food safety is all anyone has been talking about this summer, whether you found out about these problems the easy way (reading an article your mom texted you about the latest recall) or the hard way (weeks-long explosive diarrhea because you ignored your mom’s ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Ali Fitzgerald

Performative Slurp

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
Text • Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: July 2026: Atrocities 1117-1207

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...

McSweeney’s
Text • Devin Wallace

Why Aren’t People Moving to This Town with Cheap Housing and Literally Nothing Else

If you’re so tired of expensive housing prices in your major city, then why don’t you stop complaining and move to this random town I found with some cheap houses for sale and exactly zero other amenities? No place is perfect. Sure, this city is in the middle of nowhere, isn...

McSweeney’s
Text • Erica Lies

My Annual Performance, as Reviewed by My Dog

Please rate Erica on a scale of 1-5 on how she demonstrates the following: CONSISTENCY: 5 Erica does fantastic treat work, always offering me a tasty morsel after walks, even though she doesn’t contribute to our daily quota for eating grass. PUNCTUALITY: 2 Erica often delays...

McSweeney’s
Text • Ben Steere

How Many University Vice-Chancellors Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

ANSWER: Ten. One Vice-Chancellor for Administration and Finance to commission a feasibility study. One Vice-Chancellor for Institutional Effectiveness to assess the impact of the increased lumens on university accreditation. One Vice-Chancellor for Strategic Planning to ali...

McSweeney’s
Text • Anavel Mingke

I’ll Give You Fifteen Thousand Dollars to Stop Asking Me to Go Hiking

Hey, Maya — First off, congratulations on becoming an “outdoors person.” Three years ago, you thought mosquitoes were government drones. Now you own boots with names like “Expedition Carbon Ultra GTX.” People change. I’m happy for you. Which is why I’d like to offer you fift...

McSweeney’s
Text • Andrew Patrick Clark

Our University Does Not Require Books, Paper, or Human Knowledge

Welcome to the university of the future. Our new digital-forward brand of education requires no books, no paper, and, best of all, no human knowledge. The customers—I mean, Young Learning Partners—simply pay their tuition and begin their virtual journey: two entire weeks’ wo...

McSweeney’s
Text • Cathleen Freedman Deacon

Things That Happened to Both Odysseus in The Odyssey and to Me on My Bachelorette Trip

1. We went to war with our friends. Odysseus and his buddies fought in the Trojan War on what was essentially a decades-long boys’ trip. I went to Nantucket to fight with 23 of my closest girlfriends for three days. 2. We did not follow the map. Odysseus wanted to chart his ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Devon Anderson

Reasons That I, a Billionaire, Am Still Miserable

The yacht’s Wi-Fi became weak for almost forty-five seconds while crossing the Mediterranean, forcing me to experience what experts call “a thought.” My personal chef interpreted “comfort food” as “deconstructed truffle-infused childhood,” when what I wanted was a grilled ch...

McSweeney’s
Text • Ali Fitzgerald

Nature Endures

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
Text • Halsten Higgins

All the Things My New Meat Glasses Can Do

I’m so excited my new Meat Glasses have arrived in the mail. I unwrap them and turn them over. Wow, they’ve really done it. You can’t see the camera under the ground beef at all. In fact, they look like high-fashion glasses made of raw, Grade A ground sirloin. Still, Meat Gl...