“This is why we have to have all the attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. It’s a larger room, it’s drone-proof and bullet-proof glass. That’s why the Secret Service, the military, are demanding it. They’ve wanted the ballroom for one hundred and fifty years....
“Hi, my name is [NAME], and I’m a constituent from [CITY, ZIP].” Here, you will let out an extremely long, exasperated sigh. Really milk it, like you can’t even believe you have to make this call. Like, your reps should be doing something about stuff already, without you hav...
This is an excerpt from McSweeney’s contributor Hayley DeRoche’s new book, Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent, available now! - - -
When planning a sad, beige child’s first birthday party, it’s important not to lose sight of what’s most i...
You want to know what I was like in the ’90s, kids? Take a deep breath and imagine Snapchat doesn’t exist, and the only way to find out who’s having a party tonight is to press *69 on a landline phone and ask someone’s mom. We were built differently back then. I once had a t...
“The Texas gerrymander freakout: What’s happening in the Lone Star State is not a threat to democracy.” — The Washington Post Editorial Board, 8/20/25 “For months, Democrats crafted the illusion that their plan to redistrict Virginia was about restoring fairness. In a specia...
1. Folding Chair Returning for a fourth consecutive season, Folding Chair always proves its value on the sidelines, even though it lacks the big market payroll of the guy next to you with the hydraulic rockers and the canopy thing. But while FC remains strong in the cupholde...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
“CHATGPT, I need help now, three wolves circling tree.” Okay, Ethan. Got it. Many would consider it extremely flattering that it’s now not just one, but rather two, or even three, wolves who’ve stepped up to the plate. Wolves are busy, and if they’re circling you, it’s becau...
“The Pentagon will no longer require members of the U.S. military to get the flu vaccine, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said on Tuesday.” —Reuters - - -
We are warriors who fight for freedom, and that fight begins at the CVS MinuteClinic. No more mandatory flu shots for ser...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
“Kash Patel has filed a defamation lawsuit against The Atlantic, accusing the magazine and its reporter Sarah Fitzpatrick of defamation over an article that alleged the FBI director… has a habit of ‘excessive drinking and unexplained absences,’ among other recurring behavior...
1. Install Baby Gates Baby gates are great for keeping babies out of places you don’t want them to go, like inside your home. String several gates together with zip ties to form a barrier around the perimeter of your property. Most babies aren’t smart enough to figure out ho...
I understand the university has entered into a partnership with Cyberdyne Systems. What does this mean exactly? Thanks to the support of visionary venture capitalists working tirelessly to usher in an age of equality and prosperity, Cyberdyne is building Skynet, a neural net...
The time I said, “Hey buddy,” to my wife, and my daughter responded, “She is NOT a buddy.” The time on vacation when she said, “We are going to dinner AGAIN? We are going to ANOTHER restaurant?” The time she was whimpering and her mom asked her if she was okay and she said, ...
“A.I. capacity may soon displace oil or enriched uranium as the resource that dictates the global balance of power. [Open AI’s C.E.O.] Sam Altman has said that computing power is ‘the currency of the future.’” — The New Yorker - - -
Gather around, everyday working people, an...
Thanks for reaching out. I’ve stepped away from my office, but I’ll respond promptly when I return. To clear up any confusion, please be advised that: I don’t suffocate people with pillows. Hexes cost extra. I don’t know Florence + The Machine personally, although I have me...
I’m reaching out because, well, I’ve got this shipment of 2.1 million barrels of crude oil, and I would LOVE it if I could just squeeze on by and pass through the Strait of Hormuz? Honestly, no worries if not, though! It’s just that the vast amount of crude oil I have aboard...
“After agreeing to sell all its assets last month for less than 1 percent of its previous $4 billion valuation, the shoe company Allbirds announced on Wednesday that it would ‘pivot its business’ to artificial intelligence.” — New York Times - - -
We at Fisher-Price have alw...
Yikes, look at all these burnt-out doctors and over-extended nurses barely keeping up with the preventable ailments of a populace too busy working to take care of itself. I can plainly see the staff is so used to bending over backward, they won’t admit they’re broken. It’s a...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Harry, 18 Only son, set to inherit a great fortune: land, absolute power, direct connection to God, and more. Seeking a slightly older woman, preferably of Spanish royal blood, willing to testify to papal court that she hasn’t already slept with my (deceased) older brother t...
April 1965 Meeting to Discuss Boob Cancer Problem CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts. TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me. FRANK: Me too. CARL: As medical professionals, it’s incumbent up...
Let me be the first to congratulate you on seeking help. As a clinician, I know it takes great courage to confront wedding planning. It’s a terminal condition, of course, but there are ways to cope. First, know that there is no wrong way to respond to wedding planning. Every...
“President Trump lashed out at Pope Leo XIV in a lengthy social media post Sunday night, calling the pontiff ’WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy.” — CBS News - - -
As Republicans, we were excited when the Catholic Church elected an American pope. America is the g...
Out of the blue, my childhood friend and former neighbor Rita texted me a while ago to tell me that she had gone back to Lebanon, where we both grew up, for the first time in forty-three years. A few seconds later, she sent me several photos. One showed the building we both ...
Take a casual swig of club soda disguised as vodka soda every time you attend a gathering and are trying to hide that you’re newly pregnant. Take a tiny, carefully controlled sip of water every time you vomit. Take another sip of water every time you vomit up the water you j...
“Eric Swalwell, a Democratic congressman from the San Francisco Bay Area, said on Monday that he is resigning after allegations he sexually assaulted a former staff member and engaged in misconduct with other women.” — New York Times - - -
I’m sure the many people who calle...
After weeks of debating, I finally got a walking pad that I can slide right under my bed and never step foot on. It’s so sleek and light, you can store it anywhere and forget you ever bought it. I make health a priority by spending money on things that I’ll use a few times, ...
“Vice President JD Vance’s failure to win the concessions the United States sought from Iran in a single, marathon negotiating session over its nuclear program was no surprise… The failure leaves the Trump administration facing several unpalatable options.” — New York Times ...
How do I find my local H&R Block? Enter your zip code on our website to find an H&R Block near you. Alternatively, just drive by any property that used to contain a Spirit Halloween. Can I file my taxes online? You can, but it hurts our feelings when you use our serv...
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