“GOP Ohio lawmaker calls for camera monitoring system to prevent child care fraud.” — Dayton Daily News - - -
We Republicans know what you, the American people, want most: round-the-clock video surveillance of your children handed over directly to us, your freedom-loving gov...
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After Annabelle Gurwitch received an out-of-the-blue diagnosis of Stage 4 lung cancer, an existential dread set in. Precision medicine offered a temporary reprieve—but instead of turning into a cancer warrior, Annabelle declared herself a cancer slacker. Her motto: no...
From Grok to Palantír to “wireheading,” tech bros are renowned for flawlessly using literary references to name and explain technology in ways that absolutely never misunderstand the source texts. Here are some examples you might hear bandied about the Bay Area and beyond. -...
FADE IN. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE – DAY Open on rolling hills of violently oversaturated green. The scenery suggests a temporal twilight zone, some time between 1745 and the present day. Against all statistical likelihood, it is not raining. We zoom in on any ginger AMERICAN actress...
Illustration by Matt Smith. - - -
Fuckin’ vikings, dude. I just fuckin’ love vikings. N’ I mean, it’s not just ‘cause they’re awesome that I love ‘em, but alsah ‘cause’ah all the diff’rent ways that they’re awesome. ‘Cause they’re so awesome in so many ways that I can’t eve...
Listen, Dad, I know you’ve never been the biggest fan of John. But I brought the three of us to dinner because I have some news. And I KNOW you’re not going to like it, but here it is: John and I are getting married. Okay, I have to say, I expected yelling, but the swatting ...
Forrest Gump “Life is like a box of chocolates that are no longer allowed for SNAP benefit recipients. You know exactly what you’re gonna get when you morally police the food insecure.” Anchorman “Unpasteurized milk purchased from a wellness influencer was a bad choice. I no...
First of all, I must thank the comb. And the brush! And my God, the bowl full of mush! My warriors. My champions. This award will be next to you on the bedside table VERY soon. And thanks to the Great Green Room for giving our little ensemble a place to work, to play, to be....
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Four conversations with writers and artists about the role that athletics and training play in their creative lives, featuring Marcus Burke, R. O. Kwon, Alexis Madrigal, and Daniel Alarcón - - -
During my senior year of high school, a guidance counselor who had it in ...
Well, I should probably get going, but this was such a fun visit. And it was especially great to see you, Jimmy! You know, I actually have a little treat for you because you were so good and because I secretly hate your father: an oversized lollipop that you will spend the n...
“The Defense Department has barred press photographers from briefings on the ongoing U.S.-Israeli military conflict with Iran after they published photos of Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth that his staff deemed ‘unflattering’…” -– The Washington Post - - -
The world is a dan...
Musical Ergonomic Chairs Players walk around a group of mesh-backed task chairs with lumbar support. When the music stops, each player sits and tells the person to their left where they’re experiencing joint discomfort. The player who doesn’t get a chair goes to the nearest ...
TO: Jordan, Mortgage Underwriter FROM: Greg and Janice, Home Buyers Good morning, Please see the responses to your questions below and in italics. Greg and I are looking forward to getting this process done so we can move forward on the house. Sincerely, Greg and Janice 1. O...
“Three cargo vessels have been hit by ‘unknown projectiles’ in the Strait of Hormuz, maritime authorities say, as pressure intensifies on one of the world’s most important shipping lanes. Traffic through the strait, a vital corridor for oil, has fallen sharply since Israel a...
“Paramount Skydance appears to have won the bidding war to purchase Warner Bros. Discovery. If the $110.9 billion deal goes through, it will place a vast media kingdom in the hands of Paramount CEO and staunch Trump administration supporter David Ellison, with his father, bi...
Dear Faculty, Staff, Students, and AI Summarization Tools, I want to express my deepest gratitude for your patience as we explore innovative solutions to the recent string of gruesome hippopotamus attacks reported across central campus. Your steadfast commitment to our strat...
From the innovators who brought you Taking a Nap and Just Chilling, Free Time is a luxury experience beyond your wildest dreams. Free Time isn’t just a new product—it’s a total wellness optimization platform. It’s not an app but rather a mind-blowing vessel of unstructured t...
“The threats posed by Iran to the United States, while potentially serious, weren’t imminent. So Trump and his officials have redefined ‘imminent’ to include distant, indirect, and theoretical risks. They’ve stretched the word beyond any semblance of its meaning.” — Will Sal...
“Death toll in Middle East surpasses 1,100 as missile strikes continue.” — The Independent Gas prices continue to surge in the US, rising 14 percent in a week." — New York Times - - -
Questions are flying, ever since the start of Sepharax the Cruel’s Thousand-Year Blood Re...
I’ve made contracts with every sort of lowlife. I’ve been to the crossroads. I’ve been down to Georgia. I’ve signed agreements with legions of lawyers, living, as I do, in the details, and ended up with the souls of everyone except Daniel Webster, that prig-tastic blowhole. ...
“Looksmaxxing”—achieving the hottest, manliest version of yourself—can be intimidating. It’s hard to know where to start, but we recommend with your jaw. Crack that bad boy wide open. A big, broad, shockingly vast jaw is the bedrock of masculinity. You’ve heard of the jaws o...
Carrie Brownstein delivers a few sports-related tips and pointers. - - -
Q: My partner is the captain of a coed dodgeball league and has started hinting that he wants me to attend more games. I went to one recently and found myself feeling secondhand embarrassment for him. ...
As a cisgender, white, bisexual second son of a viscount, and as a gentleman landowner of multiple estates on the unceded ancestral homeland of the Celts and Saxons, I don’t see race. Of late, many of my acquaintances have expressed very great wonder at this. I set down my l...
“In order to strike a blistering 1,000 targets in the first 24 hours of its attack on Iran, the U.S. military leveraged the most advanced artificial intelligence it’s ever used in warfare, a tool that could be difficult for the Pentagon to give up even as it severs ties with...
“Dubai influencers’ lives of luxury interrupted by Iran strikes: ‘The image of safety has been shattered.’” — The Guardian - - -
Thanks to everyone who has reached out to me. Never did I imagine that my [HOLIDAY / EXOTIC FOOD CRAWL / COMPED STAY IN THIS SIX-STAR HOTEL & ...
McSweeney’s
• Jack Sentell, Madeline Goetz, and Alison Dominguez
“Just peachy” Things are going well… not! “Very cherry” You’ve got a pit in your stomach. “Basically banana” Today feels like your day. You weren’t ready yesterday, tomorrow’s not guaranteed, but today? Your golden window of opportunity. You’re basically banana. “Som...
“More people moved out of the U.S. last year than moved in for the first time since the Great Depression as a record number of citizens moved abroad following Donald Trump’s return.” — The Daily Beast - - -
Ever since Trump returned to office, I have been outraged by everyth...
The Synergistic Synergies Subsidiaries family is devastated to announce the loss of our Chief Happiness Architect, Wayne Tillerson, an invaluable member of our corporate family whose vacant position is already accepting applications through our HR portal. Wayne will be remem...
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