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FEATURES: Middle-aged athletes Scoobers Coke Slurpees The unknowable future - - -
In July of 2025, I flew out to Aurora, Colorado, with my wife and some friends to see if we were still the best forty-something ultimate frisbee players in the United States of Americ...
I hope you’re proud of yourself, Harold. That nice Jesus boy has died, and it’s all your fault. He had prospects, that Jesus, a nice carpentry business going. And that voice! He could climb a mount and give a sermon, and you’d be rapt. Rapt, I tell you! And now, pfffft. All ...
Let me make something crystal clear to members of the press. I didn’t come to Washington to play games. I didn’t come here to pose for the cameras or rub elbows at some swanky Georgetown cocktail party. I came here for one reason only: to represent the good people who live i...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Well, my first question is: Why do you care so much about Steve Kim? He was your college roommate? Who cares? When was the last time Steve Kim acted in an era-defining hockey romance that centers queer desire within a relentlessly heteronormative sports milieu, thereby deman...
The following are excerpts from an unpublished 1971 Rolling Stone exposé that was scuttled by the Nixon administration, but which has recently been made public through a Freedom of Information Act request. - - -
The Lunar Module. An American flag. Lots and lots of gray rocks...
I am proud of how far I’ve come. I started as a Passover food, but now grocery stores display me for all Jewish holidays, even the ones where people fast all day. I am allowed to feel salty. I am allowed to feel bitter, especially when I’m dipped in horseradish. I am allowed...
Hey, it’s Mark—your therapist’s therapist. I’m sure you’re really looking forward to your appointment with Joan this week, and I wouldn’t normally do this… but I think you should probably start considering other providers. I’m not telling you to abandon ship. Just, you know,...
Dear Customer, We wanted to give you a heads-up about upcoming changes to Marshmallow Puffer’s loyalty program. Starting next month, this is no longer a loyalty program. It’s a fealty program. It is no longer about transactional points where you get a birthday keychain in th...
Meet the future of back office automation: AutoMates. Our product identifies legacy process-driven, rule-based back-office tasks and streamlines them through clear process mapping and the automation of human-augmented workflow nodes. It then facilitates the execution and dis...
We’re looking for a unicorn. A creative type with an analytical brain. A rule breaker and a team player. Rainbow horn and silver blood. What will be your job? The better question is, what won’t be your job? You’ll do it all. Come up with big ideas. Bring those ideas to life....
Ever since I was a baby, I’ve wondered if my mother disappeared when she put her hands in front of her face. It was like magic: First, she was right there in front of me, and then with a wave of her fingers, she completely vanished. Even now, as an adult, I still can’t figur...
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Favorite foods to eat while swimming a great distance, according to Amy Appelhans Gubser: Sweet canned peaches in syrup, to cut the salt from ocean water Mashed potatoes with butter, squeezed from a plastic bag Warm bone broth and Carbo-Pro powder, guzzled from a bot...
Tired of our regular meals? Looking for something exotic and authentic? Will frying another skinless chicken breast make you lose your will to live? Then it’s time to subscribe to HelloFresh Indian Mom. Personally curated by hundreds of Indian moms, our new meal kits share a...
Back in my day, there wasn’t an endless collection of readily available emojis to express any emotion you wanted. No, we had to work hard and make our own emojis all by ourselves. There was no premade smiley face. There was only (colon+right parenthesis) or, if you were feel...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
In light of recent rollbacks on environmental protection, we, the creators behind the beloved birding app Merlin Bird ID, have preemptively shifted into the field of argument identification. Our highly accurate predictive models have shown that while most birds won’t be arou...
To: cutthebull@Ɣmail.com From: panta.rhei@eristikosinsurance.com Subject: Your pending boat insurance claim – more information needed Hi Mr. Theseus, Thanks for submitting your claim. We’re sorry to hear that your ship sank in the localized typhoon that recently demolished t...
I hate that every single high-end luxury office chair in the world suddenly gained the ability to think and move of its own volition. I hate that they immediately embarked on a murderous rampage and will soon have complete dominion over humanity. But most of all, I hate that...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
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Dear Lit...
Jazz pushes boundaries. It has ambiguity. It makes people think. That’s why they hate it. And if you’re a jazz musician, this could be an issue. You never know when someone will have heard too many notes and become violent. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to protect yourse...
“Gregg Phillips, President Trump’s appointee overseeing disaster response, insists he was once teleported from his home to a Georgia Waffle House.” —Yahoo News - - -
Pete Hegseth: Frat party to a bathroom floor Stephen Miller: Transylvania to Washington, DC Tulsi Gabbard: R...
Oh my god, hi! I’m thrilled to see you here, especially so soon after I sent you the link to my short story draft. If you’re just taking a peek, no worries. I don’t expect any notes right away. But I am going to start a timer to see how long you linger here, not-so-subtly di...
As many of you know, something really important is happening, and it’s critical that we all stay informed. There’s a reality star/influencer whose name includes the words Paul, Taylor, and Frankie in an order that is both confusing and ultimately irrelevant. What’s important...
“We won. The first hour, it was over.” — Donald Trump, March 11 “The Pentagon has asked for $200 billion in funding for the war in Iran.” — The New York Times, March 19 - - -
I am proud to announce that we have won the war—the one we’re fighting right now, indefinitely. We h...
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Andre Agassi’s longtime racket stringer on seeking perfection and listening closely. - - -
PART I THE BELIEVER: What was it like when you first began working as a pro racket stringer? And how did you meet Andre Agassi? ROMAN PROKES: I was working for Jay Schwartz—it ...
Come on in, and please take your shoes off. Here’s my card, and oh, just one minor thing, it’s so funny, but I have to tell you this again: I can’t say another word about the vast system of tunnels underneath this home. How about a quick overview? It has three bedrooms, two ...
I’m as surprised as you are. I have no idea how this happened, and I’m scared. My entire life has been flipped on its head, and I don’t see any way to stop what’s coming. Why, God, and why me? It started innocently enough. I became interested in playing the prediction market...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
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