A few months ago, I was tending to my newborn when across the room my phone pinged. I ignored it. Within a few minutes, however, continuing to do so became impossible, not just because of my compulsive urge to touch my phone every four seconds, but also because the device wa...
The Catcher in the Rye: The College Years If you thought Holden Caulfield was insufferable before, you’ll find that expulsion from prep school was a mere warm-up for the incessant grousing and myriad of beefs inherent in life as an English undergrad. Armed with the perceived...
Hello, it’s your subconscious here. Quince speaking. Having spent years gently occupying your favorite Dharma & Greg rewatch podcast with tales of our top-notch Mongolian cashmere, we are thrilled to move our direct-to-consumer approach into Phase Two: full integration i...
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Writer and McSweeney’s contributor Maeve Dunigan has poured a lifetime of effort into seeming effortlessly chill. The results have been… mixed. Nonetheless, Maeve still believes she’s one pair of leather pants, one perfect use of the word “bespoke,” and one jar of exp...
You might want to sit down for this. Or at least part of this. Your cholesterol looks good, but also quite bad. Your good cholesterol is 45. That’s good. But your bad cholesterol is 141. That’s bad. Your total cholesterol adds up to 222, because doctor math. That is also hig...
“Harvard is quietly asking donors for $10 million gifts to establish new endowed professorships in a sweeping bid to reshape its faculty under the banner of ‘viewpoint diversity,’ according to two people familiar with the initiative.” — The Harvard Crimson - - -
On behalf o...
“The bottles bear the imprint of the Kentucky distillery Woodford Reserve, and are engraved with the words KASH PATEL FBI DIRECTOR, as well as a rendering of an FBI shield. Surrounding the shield is a band of text featuring Patel’s director title and his favored spelling of ...
In the days following my return from the hospital, I have gained agility, speed, and mass. I feel physically better postpartum than I have ever felt in my entire life. I didn’t just bounce back—I double-bounced, and then snapped all the way back around again. Now, I pirouett...
1. You have two children, ages two and five. You must take them to the dentist at 10 a.m. tomorrow, which is five miles from home, and you’ll be driving at thirty miles per hour. When should you start getting your children ready to leave? ANSWER: Yesterday. This allows for o...
“Rather than tilting at a windmill, the proper procedure would be for Don Quixote to file suit to abolish all windmills, ideally in the Fifth Circuit.” - - -
“Whether in the nouveau riche West Egg or the old-money East Egg, housing restrictions are a reasonable tool for main...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Step 1: The Problem I’ve been reborn. My estrogen patch restored my sleep, energy, and hair back to age twenty-two. Time to reverse-age my wardrobe. Step 2: The Store Purdy Girl, a shop that mangles vowels and swaps consonants like a bra worn on the outside. The sales associ...
“President Trump has claimed he ‘aced’ all three cognitive tests administered to him during his first and second presidencies. The commander-in-chief further claimed that no president has ever taken part in a similar exercise when he spoke on his mental acuity at the White H...
1. Conga. It literally cannot get better than this. 2. Assembly. It’s not glamorous, but hot damn is it effective. 3. Waist. Awooooga! 4. Jaw. Hubba Hubba! 5. Hair. Yowie! 6. Blood. Define your legacy. 7. On. How you’re reading this, probably. 8. Shore. She sells seashells h...
“More than 1 in 4 [students at University of Maine at Presque Isle’s online MyPace program] finished their entire degree course load in a single eight-week session, half the length of a traditional academic semester.” — The Washington Post - – - Thanks to the hassle of readi...
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With warmth, humor, and occasional run-ins with bodily fluids, science journalist (and frequent McSweeney’s contributor) Elizabeth Preston leads a highly accessible tour of cutting-edge research into how and why other animals and humans care for their young. She disco...
At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work. “Dentist,” says Maya. “Firefighter,” says Liam. “Bus driver,” says Emma. Oliver raises his hand. “My dad mines crypto.” Ms. Delgado nods politely, the way adults do when they enco...
"We spoke with voters who cast their ballots for Mr. Trump and said they were disappointed with his second term. A few said they even regretted their votes. — New York Times - - -
MODERATOR: In one or two words, finish this sentence: “I’m feeling ‘blank’ about the Empire th...
And when the trumpets sounded, behold, the lamb opened the first four seals, letting forth four horsemen upon the world of man. The first horse, signifying War, was adorned with golden, ill-fitting hair. He was recognized immediately as the great protector of Macaulay Culkin...
MIRANDA PRIESTLY: You go to your floor beside your bed, and select that Nirvana shirt because you’re trying to tell the world that you are a proud Gen-Xer so moved in middle school by Kurt Cobain’s deadpan honesty and self-loathing that Nirvana became your favorite band, and...
“The Supreme Court on Wednesday hollowed out a landmark Civil Rights–era law that has increased minority representation in Congress and elsewhere” — AP News - - -
A key provision of the 1965 Voting Rights Act sought to ensure that racial groups could not be denied political...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Just because I am Pythia, Oracle of Delphi, all-knowing high priestess of the Temple of Apollo, blessed with divine insight into all that shall come to pass, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to hop on a prediction-market platform and throw a couple hundred drachmae on the La...
“Gasoline prices in the United States rose on Tuesday to their highest level in four years as peace talks between the United States and Iran appeared at an impasse.” – New York Times - - -
Here at the Department of Energy, we want to reassure Americans that, while the war we...
“After canceled gigs in the U.K., France, Switzerland, and Poland, Kanye West’s upcoming concert in Italy is sparking an uproar due to the rapper’s antisemitic remarks.” — Variety - - -
Like everyone else who enjoys robot kazoo music, I was shocked to learn the truth about m...
With apologies to Rumi. - - -
May this decree be signed expeditiously and this divorce be soon over. May it be amicable. But not too amicable. I refuse to vacation together. Who do we think we are, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin? May this divorce be like oil and water, ...
I’m confused, maybe someone can help me. This is like the third assassination attempt on Julius Caesar, but things are going great in Rome. The value of silver is strong, the liberti/bad homines immigration is under control, and we’ve bounced back from the bubonic pandemic. ...
Listen, I don’t have thin skin. If I did, I would teach fourth grade and cry along with my students when the spider died at the end of Charlotte’s Web. Anyone can teach kids; I teach young adults. And I introduce them to their mentor, who will decide their fate: New York’s m...
The Sopranos I have not watched The Sopranos. I have, however, seen the clip of the guy pointing angrily at someone across the table while someone else looks tired of his behavior. That three-hour documentary you recommended I saw a screenshot of the host looking very serio...
With apologies to Walt Whitman. - - -
I sneeze myself, I excuse myself. For every sniffle belonging to me as good belongs to you. Sorry! I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass, clawing my eyes as I reach for Zyrtec-D and “fast-acting” eyedrops. I, now ...
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