“More than 1 in 4 [students at University of Maine at Presque Isle’s online MyPace program] finished their entire degree course load in a single eight-week session, half the length of a traditional academic semester.” — The Washington Post - – - Thanks to the hassle of readi...
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With warmth, humor, and occasional run-ins with bodily fluids, science journalist (and frequent McSweeney’s contributor) Elizabeth Preston leads a highly accessible tour of cutting-edge research into how and why other animals and humans care for their young. She disco...
At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work. “Dentist,” says Maya. “Firefighter,” says Liam. “Bus driver,” says Emma. Oliver raises his hand. “My dad mines crypto.” Ms. Delgado nods politely, the way adults do when they enco...
"We spoke with voters who cast their ballots for Mr. Trump and said they were disappointed with his second term. A few said they even regretted their votes. — New York Times - - -
MODERATOR: In one or two words, finish this sentence: “I’m feeling ‘blank’ about the Empire th...
And when the trumpets sounded, behold, the lamb opened the first four seals, letting forth four horsemen upon the world of man. The first horse, signifying War, was adorned with golden, ill-fitting hair. He was recognized immediately as the great protector of Macaulay Culkin...
MIRANDA PRIESTLY: You go to your floor beside your bed, and select that Nirvana shirt because you’re trying to tell the world that you are a proud Gen-Xer so moved in middle school by Kurt Cobain’s deadpan honesty and self-loathing that Nirvana became your favorite band, and...
“The Supreme Court on Wednesday hollowed out a landmark Civil Rights–era law that has increased minority representation in Congress and elsewhere” — AP News - - -
A key provision of the 1965 Voting Rights Act sought to ensure that racial groups could not be denied political...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Just because I am Pythia, Oracle of Delphi, all-knowing high priestess of the Temple of Apollo, blessed with divine insight into all that shall come to pass, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to hop on a prediction-market platform and throw a couple hundred drachmae on the La...
“Gasoline prices in the United States rose on Tuesday to their highest level in four years as peace talks between the United States and Iran appeared at an impasse.” – New York Times - - -
Here at the Department of Energy, we want to reassure Americans that, while the war we...
“After canceled gigs in the U.K., France, Switzerland, and Poland, Kanye West’s upcoming concert in Italy is sparking an uproar due to the rapper’s antisemitic remarks.” — Variety - - -
Like everyone else who enjoys robot kazoo music, I was shocked to learn the truth about m...
With apologies to Rumi. - - -
May this decree be signed expeditiously and this divorce be soon over. May it be amicable. But not too amicable. I refuse to vacation together. Who do we think we are, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin? May this divorce be like oil and water, ...
I’m confused, maybe someone can help me. This is like the third assassination attempt on Julius Caesar, but things are going great in Rome. The value of silver is strong, the liberti/bad homines immigration is under control, and we’ve bounced back from the bubonic pandemic. ...
Listen, I don’t have thin skin. If I did, I would teach fourth grade and cry along with my students when the spider died at the end of Charlotte’s Web. Anyone can teach kids; I teach young adults. And I introduce them to their mentor, who will decide their fate: New York’s m...
The Sopranos I have not watched The Sopranos. I have, however, seen the clip of the guy pointing angrily at someone across the table while someone else looks tired of his behavior. That three-hour documentary you recommended I saw a screenshot of the host looking very serio...
With apologies to Walt Whitman. - - -
I sneeze myself, I excuse myself. For every sniffle belonging to me as good belongs to you. Sorry! I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass, clawing my eyes as I reach for Zyrtec-D and “fast-acting” eyedrops. I, now ...
“This is why we have to have all the attributes of what we’re planning at the White House. It’s a larger room, it’s drone-proof and bullet-proof glass. That’s why the Secret Service, the military, are demanding it. They’ve wanted the ballroom for one hundred and fifty years....
“Hi, my name is [NAME], and I’m a constituent from [CITY, ZIP].” Here, you will let out an extremely long, exasperated sigh. Really milk it, like you can’t even believe you have to make this call. Like, your reps should be doing something about stuff already, without you hav...
This is an excerpt from McSweeney’s contributor Hayley DeRoche’s new book, Dress Your Baby in Sage and Taupe: A Handbook for the Sad Beige Parent, available now! - - -
When planning a sad, beige child’s first birthday party, it’s important not to lose sight of what’s most i...
You want to know what I was like in the ’90s, kids? Take a deep breath and imagine Snapchat doesn’t exist, and the only way to find out who’s having a party tonight is to press *69 on a landline phone and ask someone’s mom. We were built differently back then. I once had a t...
“The Texas gerrymander freakout: What’s happening in the Lone Star State is not a threat to democracy.” — The Washington Post Editorial Board, 8/20/25 “For months, Democrats crafted the illusion that their plan to redistrict Virginia was about restoring fairness. In a specia...
1. Folding Chair Returning for a fourth consecutive season, Folding Chair always proves its value on the sidelines, even though it lacks the big market payroll of the guy next to you with the hydraulic rockers and the canopy thing. But while FC remains strong in the cupholde...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
“CHATGPT, I need help now, three wolves circling tree.” Okay, Ethan. Got it. Many would consider it extremely flattering that it’s now not just one, but rather two, or even three, wolves who’ve stepped up to the plate. Wolves are busy, and if they’re circling you, it’s becau...
“The Pentagon will no longer require members of the U.S. military to get the flu vaccine, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said on Tuesday.” —Reuters - - -
We are warriors who fight for freedom, and that fight begins at the CVS MinuteClinic. No more mandatory flu shots for ser...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
“Kash Patel has filed a defamation lawsuit against The Atlantic, accusing the magazine and its reporter Sarah Fitzpatrick of defamation over an article that alleged the FBI director… has a habit of ‘excessive drinking and unexplained absences,’ among other recurring behavior...
1. Install Baby Gates Baby gates are great for keeping babies out of places you don’t want them to go, like inside your home. String several gates together with zip ties to form a barrier around the perimeter of your property. Most babies aren’t smart enough to figure out ho...
I understand the university has entered into a partnership with Cyberdyne Systems. What does this mean exactly? Thanks to the support of visionary venture capitalists working tirelessly to usher in an age of equality and prosperity, Cyberdyne is building Skynet, a neural net...
The time I said, “Hey buddy,” to my wife, and my daughter responded, “She is NOT a buddy.” The time on vacation when she said, “We are going to dinner AGAIN? We are going to ANOTHER restaurant?” The time she was whimpering and her mom asked her if she was okay and she said, ...
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