Thank you for updating to Woman 51.0. This release includes important security updates, several unexpected hardware changes, a completely redesigned relationship with alcohol, and expanded support for saying “absolutely not” without explaining yourself. New Features Night S...
There’s been some sort of error, thought Joseph K. Yes, that was it, an inadvertent error. Quite possibly on his part. A careless thumb tap when paranoiascrolling on his phone or a wayward mouse click while porn-drunk. The type of mistake modern life makes inevitable. Though...
“Taylor Farms is recalling items containing jalapeños sold at major retailers over Salmonella risk. The salad company, which recently recalled certain lettuce products amid the ongoing cyclosporiasis outbreak, announced on Aug. 9 that it is recalling its products made with j...
Welcome aboard Svelte Airlines flight 362426. We’re so glad to have you with us today. Not you, econo-fat in 49C; we just tolerate you. For now. Please sit in your assigned seat. Unless the person next to you doesn’t like that. Ultimately, the person to your left will decide...
Subject History of Present Illness: The patient, a thirty-year-old female, describes “not feeling like myself” following an incident at the temple of Athena. Intake nurse documented patient as hostile when she refused to remove veil. Chief Complaints The patient reports expe...
Sillicombe Valley Public Beta, November 1650
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
Eight-week public beta completed successfully. Eight hundred and forty-seven community posts. Eighty-five percent village adoption. Twelve fatalities, all community-led.
PROJECT BACKGROUND
Sillicombe is an u...
MOM: I’m going to the front desk. I want to embarrass our adult children. DAD: I was just there to do exactly that by getting a ridiculous number of washcloths that we won’t use. MOM: Perfect. I’ll ask for a problematic number of towels and a pillow with impossible attribute...
The following prompts were submitted to an image-generation service over the course of a century. The user has since been suspended. Prompt 1 Create a timeless late-Victorian oil painting of the most beautiful boy in the world (me). Comely features. Lovely. Fair. Debonair an...
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE EXTREME HEAT ALERT ///BULLETIN BEGINS/// … ALERT… ALERT… ALERT… … BE ADVISED: EXTREME HEAT AND HUMIDITY POSE SEVERE RISKS TO HEALTH AND CRITICAL INFRASTRUCTURE ACROSS THE REGION FOR THE NEXT 48 TO 72 HOURS… … SAFETY GUIDANCE: CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO ...
“How sure are we that she’s dead? Should we double-check just to be safe? I know for a fact that she would not want to be buried alive.” “My dog wasn’t chill with anyone, but he was chill with her.” “She was never weird in conversation, and even if she was, I have no recolle...
How do I like a profile? Please highlight what you like and add a query. How do I dislike a profile? Please use track changes. What if I disliked a profile by accident? Write “stet.” Are you hiring freelancers? No. Can I end my “About me” section with a preposition? Doing so...
Dear Ted Lasso, With your new season coming out, I thought you’d like some storyline advice from a non-Emmy-winning, suicide-surviving, journaling-through-the-pain, amateur writer mom. We can be pent-up-feelings pals. I’m beyond grateful that in the first three seasons, you ...
“For a fee of up to $100,000 a month, trading firms can access ‘Truth API’ to get a glimpse of the president’s often market-moving announcements about economic policy and global affairs before the rest of the world.” — NPR - - -
Truth API is the premier platform for breaking...
Grandma, it’s the first of the month. Did you forget the blood tithe was due? Don’t worry, gam-gam, I’ll help you figure it out. You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a f...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
Toni Morrison f...
He steals from the rich to give to the poor, which sounds generous until you learn what he steals. The people of Sherwood do not need six unmatched salt shakers, twenty-three hotel towels, or a bag of decorative seashells. And yet, every few days, Robin bursts into the villa...
Dear Astral Skye Data Center Workers, When A-Skye first took possession of four thousand acres of your town’s land to build an AI facility the size of three thousand football fields, it gave some of you pause. You wanted transparency. You wanted oversight. While we couldn’t ...
Steer Clear When spotting another American in a foreign country, your first instinct is usually the correct one: run in the opposite direction. Like you, this person has come here to blot out, even if for a bewildered weekend, the very idea of the place left behind. The last...
What to Pack A minimum of thirty books for her one-week trip, as the woman I will become is a voracious speed reader. Include: Elin Hilderbrand’s entire back catalog, plus Die with Zero, to be left casually on the $8,000 burnt oak coffee table at her in-laws’ beach house. Th...
1. I’ll overheat and sweat through the armpit area of my shirt. 2. I’ll mix up my words and embarrass myself. 3. The audience will collectively decide to murder me. 4. I’ll speak too quickly and forget to take pauses in between sentences. 5. While I focus on trying to slow d...
Snuggle Alert! There’s an adorable new critter burning up the internet, and by clicking through to this article, you have consented to meet Zurbo, and any attempt to cease beyond this point will be considered a breach of contract in all known jurisdictions. Though you may fi...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
The Backlash Columnist (Contrarianus grievancius) HABITAT: Op-ed page of a formerly relevant magazine. DISTINCTIVE CALL: “Some say the culture wars divide us, but I believe fighting actually brings us together.” DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Will find one radical social media post...
Yeah, I’m your family’s fryer. Six quarts of matte-black authority sitting proudly between the coffee maker and the fruit bowl. Digital touchscreen. Eight preset modes. Nonstick basket. The apex predator of countertop appliances. And I am exhausted. Because apparently every ...
What exactly is the Department of Fertility? It’s the future of American boning. The sunburnt half of the map’s outbanged us for too long. We’re making the nasty hotter. Faster. Less protected. And this is an official, taxpayer-funded move? Yup. Today, at least. You know how...
There’s so much more to me than impaling. I paint watercolors. I run half-marathons. I am a father, many times over, all across the Wallachian countryside. In fact, it’s statistically likely I’m a #girldad—and so, obviously, I’m also a feminist. Although I contain these mult...
Hide is the name of Carolina Ebeid’s second collection of poetry, and a sign of that can be found in the range of possibilities echoing in that simple word. An imperative, an activity, a place, a skin. The book is all of these. Justice, the injustice of its absence, haunt th...
Instead of buying a sleek convertible, you head to Dick’s Sporting Goods and take a test-spin on every model of high-performance scooter. You settle on an electric one, which isn’t practical enough for your seven-mile commute to work, so you mainly use it to compete in the l...
“On Wednesday, the Pentagon reported on its casualties website that 18 American service members had been killed during the war in Iran. By Thursday, the Defense Department had lowered that number, reporting that 14 American troops had been killed in the war. Three military o...
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