You’ve had a long, hard nine months. Your wife’s been pregnant, and in month nine, she was so uncomfortable in bed that she made you sleep on the futon. Twice. And yet, you survived. At long last, the big day is upon you. A baby’s birth is a significant medical event, and pa...
“In the end, only one will remain and will leave the island with one million dollars in cash as their reward.” — Jeff Probst, host of Survivor
“For the moment, the fund has been capped at the patriotically symbolic sum of $1.776 billion, and many Jan. 6ers have already done the math in an effort to determine the maximum amount that each of them could get. If all of them sought money and received the same amount, the payouts would be around $1.125 million each.” —New York Times
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*-“Paramount Is Rolling Back DEI Initiatives to Align With Trump Mandates.” — Variety
“President Donald Trump dropped his $10 billion lawsuit against the Internal Revenue Service on Monday in exchange for a settlement deal to launch a $1.8 billion fund to pay claims made by his friends for purported unfair prosecution.” — Mother Jones - - -
This used to be a ...
SCENE 1. EXT. A BOULEVARD. MIDNIGHT. POE drops his frock coat, loosens his cravat, and tears open his shirt, buttons flying, to reveal his body, which is totally jacked. His nipples glisten in the moonlight. A BLACK CAT, in the process of killing a RAT, spies POE’s lithe, fr...
Like many others, I left the United States because I wanted to get away from Trumpʼs America. But now that my only entertainment opportunities involve two men riding neon glow-in-the-dark motorcycles inside an enormous orb, I must ask myself if I made the right decision. It ...
It is widely believed (by me, just now) that William Shakespeare revised his plays constantly, fueled by ambition, self-doubt, and whatever they drank instead of coffee back then. Based on that and vibes alone, here is what he probably thought each time he tweaked the same s...
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McSweeney’s and Broadway Video present the official over-six-hundred-page comprehensive companion book to IFC’s Documentary Now!, made with the assistance of series directors Rhys Thomas and Alex Buono and including new writing by Seth Meyers, a foreword by Pulitzer P...
"The phrase ‘tax the rich’ can be ‘just as hateful as some disgusting racial slurs,’ according to the New York City billionaire Steve Roth, who said that the top 1 percent should be ‘praised and thanked.’” — The Guardian - - -
First they came for the pieds-à-terre, which the...
McSweeney’s
• Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
After months sequestered in the Pagoda of Masculinity, which is beneath my parents’ house but is fair to consider my basement, I have emerged a new man. Through my relentless commitment to living the ascetic lifestyle of a monk who is allowed to play video games, I, the Angu...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
Dearest Neuroba...
“The United States Army has officially raised its enlistment age limit to 42.” — New York Times - - -
Arrival Once you step off the bus, basic training has begun. Recruits carrying ergonomic rolling luggage will be immediately singled out for punishment. Next, your bags will...
Oh, I see you are reading this on a device. Perhaps you need to top off your battery? Do you need a cable for that? A USB cable? Because I have an assortment. I have somehow accumulated several lifetimes’ worth of USB cables, and I cannot get rid of them. How about a 1.0, 2....
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
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McSweeney’s
• Max Gutmann, Sylvia Gutmann, and Isaac Gutman
Dua Lipa I have two lips. Elvis Presley Someone has flattened the elves. Elton John Where’s the bathroom? Cher I want it all. Ed Sheeran My eyebrows itch. Bad Bunny I am going to consume this carrot, and you are powerless to stop me. John Denver The bathroom is in Colorado. ...
Honey, I’m sorry I messed up our moment on the kiss cam. I’m sorry I mouthed “That’s my sister!” and made a face like yuck while jerking my thumb at you, my loving wife of thirty-one years. I’m sorry I couldn’t look you in the eye and, instead, doubled-down and began talking...
A few months ago, I was tending to my newborn when across the room my phone pinged. I ignored it. Within a few minutes, however, continuing to do so became impossible, not just because of my compulsive urge to touch my phone every four seconds, but also because the device wa...
The Catcher in the Rye: The College Years If you thought Holden Caulfield was insufferable before, you’ll find that expulsion from prep school was a mere warm-up for the incessant grousing and myriad of beefs inherent in life as an English undergrad. Armed with the perceived...
Hello, it’s your subconscious here. Quince speaking. Having spent years gently occupying your favorite Dharma & Greg rewatch podcast with tales of our top-notch Mongolian cashmere, we are thrilled to move our direct-to-consumer approach into Phase Two: full integration i...
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Writer and McSweeney’s contributor Maeve Dunigan has poured a lifetime of effort into seeming effortlessly chill. The results have been… mixed. Nonetheless, Maeve still believes she’s one pair of leather pants, one perfect use of the word “bespoke,” and one jar of exp...
You might want to sit down for this. Or at least part of this. Your cholesterol looks good, but also quite bad. Your good cholesterol is 45. That’s good. But your bad cholesterol is 141. That’s bad. Your total cholesterol adds up to 222, because doctor math. That is also hig...
“Harvard is quietly asking donors for $10 million gifts to establish new endowed professorships in a sweeping bid to reshape its faculty under the banner of ‘viewpoint diversity,’ according to two people familiar with the initiative.” — The Harvard Crimson - - -
On behalf o...
“The bottles bear the imprint of the Kentucky distillery Woodford Reserve, and are engraved with the words KASH PATEL FBI DIRECTOR, as well as a rendering of an FBI shield. Surrounding the shield is a band of text featuring Patel’s director title and his favored spelling of ...
In the days following my return from the hospital, I have gained agility, speed, and mass. I feel physically better postpartum than I have ever felt in my entire life. I didn’t just bounce back—I double-bounced, and then snapped all the way back around again. Now, I pirouett...
1. You have two children, ages two and five. You must take them to the dentist at 10 a.m. tomorrow, which is five miles from home, and you’ll be driving at thirty miles per hour. When should you start getting your children ready to leave? ANSWER: Yesterday. This allows for o...
“Rather than tilting at a windmill, the proper procedure would be for Don Quixote to file suit to abolish all windmills, ideally in the Fifth Circuit.” - - -
“Whether in the nouveau riche West Egg or the old-money East Egg, housing restrictions are a reasonable tool for main...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Step 1: The Problem I’ve been reborn. My estrogen patch restored my sleep, energy, and hair back to age twenty-two. Time to reverse-age my wardrobe. Step 2: The Store Purdy Girl, a shop that mangles vowels and swaps consonants like a bra worn on the outside. The sales associ...
“President Trump has claimed he ‘aced’ all three cognitive tests administered to him during his first and second presidencies. The commander-in-chief further claimed that no president has ever taken part in a similar exercise when he spoke on his mental acuity at the White H...
1. Conga. It literally cannot get better than this. 2. Assembly. It’s not glamorous, but hot damn is it effective. 3. Waist. Awooooga! 4. Jaw. Hubba Hubba! 5. Hair. Yowie! 6. Blood. Define your legacy. 7. On. How you’re reading this, probably. 8. Shore. She sells seashells h...
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