FeedCity: McSweeney’s

McSweeney’s
17 Jul 02:21 • Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

We Need to Stop This Reckless Rhetoric About Abolishing the Thought Police

“As a new video emerged capturing gunshots and yelling in a fatal shooting in Maine involving federal immigration officers, the state’s governor called on Congress to immediately reform and rein in ICE ‘before more families are robbed of a loved one.’” — ABC News - - - I’ve ...

McSweeney’s
16 Jul 20:06 • Kate Chrisman

Effective Immediately, Every God-Fearing Soldier Will Be Jacked to the Gills with Testosterone

“Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced on Wednesday a new mandatory screening program to test all service members age 30 and older, including women, for testosterone deficiency annually.” – New York Times - - - In the past, Washington said the real dangers facing American...

McSweeney’s
16 Jul 20:06 • Ali Fitzgerald

Disgruntled Performance

McSweeney’s
16 Jul 13:12 • Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: June 2026: Atrocities 1014-1112

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...

McSweeney’s
15 Jul 19:06 • Ellie Race-Moore

A Case for the Giant Toxic Goo Pit I Want to Build in the Center of Town

I am a humble man. I made my fortune the old-fashioned way, through grit, determination, and a small multi-million-dollar loan from my father. And now I’m trying to achieve something beyond what humans have ever imagined: a giant toxic goo pit. Polling suggests people are up...

McSweeney’s
15 Jul 15:15 • Tom Ellison

Introducing: MAN-THOLOGY, by Alpha Male Guru, Chud Buffly

- - - Alpha Master Chud Buffly has hunted and gathered his most elite tips and musings into a daily reading that will allow all men to achieve peak performance with only the most primal practices, protocols, and powders. With the help of frequent McSweeney’s contributor, To...

McSweeney’s
15 Jul 13:12 • Ellen Poplavska

Text Messages from the Mall Food Court Kiosk Where I Am Trying to Order a Chicago-Style Hot Dog

Your total is $6.99. You added relish. Your total is $7.99. You added mustard. Your total is $8.99. You tried to remove mustard. Your total is $9.99. You tried to add ketchup. What is wrong with you? Your total is $12.99. We queried the Google Maps API and saw the closest op...

McSweeney’s
14 Jul 18:06 • Aliza Zelin Neidich

Transcript from the Annual Meeting of the Global Children’s Shoe-Sizing Consortium

CHAIRPERSON: Welcome, delegates. Before we begin, I’d like to congratulate everyone on another successful year of making children’s shoe sizing completely incomprehensible. (Applause.) VICE CHAIRPERSON: Thank you. As you know, our mission remains unchanged: no parent should ...

McSweeney’s
14 Jul 13:15 • Patrick Coyne

Enjoy Our Beach House, but Please Don’t Open the Beguiling Door of Mystery

Welcome to your beachside getaway. We are so glad to have you as our guests. Feel free to unpack, relax, kick off your shoes, and become better acquainted with your surroundings. Your vacation officially starts now… Just a tiny request. You see how the house has one locked d...

McSweeney’s
13 Jul 18:06 • Lisa Borders

As a Democratic Member of Congress, I Don’t Wish to Speak Ill of the Dead

“Lindsey Graham, a Republican senator from South Carolina and a onetime opponent turned stalwart ally of President Trump who was a forceful advocate for an interventionist U.S. foreign policy, died on Saturday evening.” — New York Times - - - I don’t wish to speak ill of the...

McSweeney’s
13 Jul 13:42 • Jess Keefe

I’m Cyclosporiasis, the Explosive Diarrhea Parasite, and I’m Pivoting to Music

It’s a little embarrassing, but yeah, you’ve probably heard of me. Cyclosporiasis? I’m kind of, like, the most famous parasitic illness in the country right now? It’s so crazy, dude, but I’m grateful for the platform. Now I can transmit my talents to my true passion: Music. ...

McSweeney’s
10 Jul 20:06 • Mike Drucker

My Critics Are Missing the Nuance of My Membership in the Wealthy People Hunting Poor People for Sport Club

By now, many of you have probably read or heard about the recent exposé revealing a secretive society in which the wealthy and the famous hunt poor people for sport. I more than understand fans being concerned about my reported involvement when they’re seeing bizarre headlin...

McSweeney’s
10 Jul 13:39 • John Moe

A Letter from Mick Jagger to the Devil on the First Draft of “Sympathy for the Devil”

Lucifer, you old dog! Thanks for all the success you’ve granted me and the lads, Luci. Must say we were surprised that you didn’t want our souls in return, just a chance to write a song together. But great! Also delighted you sent your proposed new lyrics in the form of a de...

McSweeney’s
10 Jul 00:06 • Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

President Trump’s Mind Is Too Advanced to Be Constrained by Reality

“‘We had 111 missiles shot by the Islamic Republic of Japan. They were shot at the aircraft carrier,’ Trump said, inventing a new government and confusing Japan with Iran.” — The New Republic - - - The White House would like to address the malicious rumors that President Tru...

McSweeney’s
09 Jul 19:51 • Kara Panzer

We Believe Pregnancy Is a Magical Time in a Woman’s Life, So We Designed the Shapeless Maternity Sack™

As a purveyor of maternity attire, we feel pregnancy is sacred, divine, and an opportunity to celebrate the beauty of e-commerce by repurposing fabric originally intended for sails on a line of girly sailboats and re-dyed circus tents. For a limited time (eighteen months fro...

McSweeney’s
09 Jul 17:51 • Ali Fitzgerald

Reset Yourself

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

- - -

McSweeney’s
09 Jul 13:18 • Brian Barker and Nicky Beer

Tom Waits White Noise Sound Options

Rumble of freight trains at dusk

Tuesday delivery at scrap metal yard

Broom sweeping floor of bar in Sheboygan at closing time

Hailstorm on roof of jalopy

Guy named Monty playing spoons in front of barrel fire

Minor league baseball game on radio in room next door at flophouse, 1953

Time

One-eared mule eating oats out of rusted Radio Flyer wagon

Footsteps, size ten wingtips, left heel worn down

Fly ricocheting against Greyhound bus window in August

Third-to-last unfiltered Chesterfield being drawn from pack

Musical saw practicing scales in abandoned Viennese opera house

Resigned exhalation of dishwater blonde sipping rotgut from chipped dimestore mug while hounds from the farm over the hill next grieve passing hours that slip away like clouds skulking over the rotted face of the moon

Carny coughing into red bandana

McSweeney’s
08 Jul 20:21 • Evan Dotas

Why Can’t the Left Understand That a Politician’s Mysterious Illness Is Between Him and His Doctor?

“Senator Mitch McConnell, Republican of Kentucky and the former majority leader, was hospitalized on June 14. Since then, his office has provided few updates about his condition. The scant official statements have led to speculation around Washington and efforts to piece tog...

McSweeney’s
08 Jul 13:42 • Nina Semczuk

Let’s Drive This Friend Group Right Into the Abyss

Did someone say group trip? Yes please, Abilene paradox. We should absolutely go to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed price to sleep in various uncomfortable configurations and spend unmitigated time together with unexpressed needs simmering and expressed needs expl...

McSweeney’s
07 Jul 18:06 • Rebecca Saltzman

If Only There Had Been a Sign that the Face-Melting Nazi from Indiana Jones Wouldn’t Make a Good Senator

“An oysterman who has never held elected office, Mr. Platner has been dogged by controversies since he announced his bid [for Maine Senate seat] last August, including allegations about his past treatment of women, revelations of a tattoo he had that resembled a Nazi symbol ...

McSweeney’s
07 Jul 16:12 • Erica Lies

Reviews of New Food: Rice Krispies Treat Strawberry Ice Cream Sandwiches

There are innumerable ways to cope with the particular malaise of job burnout. Some people do spa treatments, others prefer the endless scroll of TikTok, but personally, I turn to unfettered capitalism. There is no work stress that I cannot numb under the bright lights of a ...

McSweeney’s
07 Jul 14:09 • Caroline Marsh

Novel GLP-1 Receptor Agonist Delivers Transition to Astral Plane

PRESS RELEASE In a clinical trial, XANTOBI delivered weight loss of up to 406 pounds, or 100 percent of patients’ starting weight. Study participants experienced an average loss of 147 pounds and a reduction in opacity by several degrees. Eighty-six percent of partici...

McSweeney’s
07 Jul 01:06 • Audrey Farnsworth

America Kept Inviting Me to Her Birthday Party, But I Just Wanted to Take Her to the Hospital So She Can Get the Help She Sorely Needs

America kept on trying to get me to go to her birthday party. She does this every year, but this time it got really weird. She sent reminder after reminder, over and over again, that it was going to be her birthday soon, like, months in advance. “I’ve actually been celebrati...

McSweeney’s
06 Jul 18:06 • Mark Taylor

Why the Taco Bell Meal for Two Is the Only Economic Indicator That Matters

Every year, economists gather in conference rooms to debate inflation, interest rates, and the future of the American economy. Meanwhile, I can determine the health of the entire financial system in approximately six seconds by opening the Taco Bell app. If the Meal for Two ...

McSweeney’s
06 Jul 12:45 • Andrew Paul

I Don’t Know What I Expected at President Nyarlathotep’s Great American Shitshow, but Color Me Disappointed

“‘A total disappointment’: revelers face unbearable heat at Great American State Fair.” — The Guardian - - - I drove from Dubuque for this, you know. My remaining friends are all longtime Nyarlathotep supporters, and the ones still able to speak coherently always tell me my ...

McSweeney’s
03 Jul 13:24 • Tucker Nichols

USA: We Go Together Like…

- - -

Tucker Nichols’s latest book, “Mostly Everything: The Art of Tucker Nichols” is available in our store.

McSweeney’s
02 Jul 18:06 • Tyler Gooch

Survival Tips for Anyone Currently Being Hunted by Joey Chestnut

Somehow he’s escaped containment. They were supposed to throw a burlap sack over Mr. Chestnut’s head, like they do when subduing an ostrich, and take him away once he’d finished the pile of hot dogs. But now he’s loose, and he’s picked up your scent. Here is what to do… Run ...

McSweeney’s
02 Jul 14:12 • Amanda Goble, Mary Heitkamp, and Delaney Gibbons

Which Founding Father Are You?

McSweeney’s
01 Jul 20:03 • Jack Loftus

The US Constitution Is for Simple Folk Still Burdened by the Belief That Words Have Meaning

“A bare majority of five justices, in an opinion written by Chief Justice John Roberts, held that the long-settled understanding of the 14th Amendment, adopted after the Civil War, makes a citizen of anyone born in the country, with very limited exceptions.” — The Associated...

McSweeney’s
01 Jul 17:00 • Ali Fitzgerald

July 4th

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

- - -