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McSweeney’s
• Jason Roeder and Mike Sacks
All Aboard Your Disease-Free Late-Summer Cruise
Summer’s winding down, but the FUN’S just getting started. Onboard our fleet of immaculately sanitized cruise liners, you and your family will discover an ocean of possibilities while minimizing your exposure to hantavirus, norovirus, Legionnaires’ disease, and so much more....
McSweeney’s
• Jack Loftus
I’m the Guy Who Destroys Antique Books After We Scan Them into Our Company’s Insatiable AI Platform
“Vendors and rare books experts are increasingly worried that these artifacts may be under threat of destruction by generative AI companies seeking to feed their ravenous technology with new texts. Fears stem from a copyright lawsuit brought against [Anthropic] by book autho...
McSweeney’s
• Samantha Hesburgh
Back-to-School Shopping List for the End-of-Times Academic Year
Welcome back, students and parents, for another, possibly the last, functioning school year! Both the literacy crisis and moral deterioration of our leaders pretty much guarantee our school will be shuttered soon. But in the meantime, we hope to have a well-rounded, fun year...
McSweeney’s
• Carlos Greaves
Relax, If Food Is No Longer Safe to Eat, Just Eat Cake
It seems like food safety is all anyone has been talking about this summer, whether you found out about these problems the easy way (reading an article your mom texted you about the latest recall) or the hard way (weeks-long explosive diarrhea because you ignored your mom’s ...
McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald
Performative Slurp
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
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McSweeney’s
• Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: July 2026: Atrocities 1117-1207
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
McSweeney’s
• Devin Wallace
Why Aren’t People Moving to This Town with Cheap Housing and Literally Nothing Else
If you’re so tired of expensive housing prices in your major city, then why don’t you stop complaining and move to this random town I found with some cheap houses for sale and exactly zero other amenities? No place is perfect. Sure, this city is in the middle of nowhere, isn...
McSweeney’s
• Erica Lies
My Annual Performance, as Reviewed by My Dog
Please rate Erica on a scale of 1-5 on how she demonstrates the following: CONSISTENCY: 5 Erica does fantastic treat work, always offering me a tasty morsel after walks, even though she doesn’t contribute to our daily quota for eating grass. PUNCTUALITY: 2 Erica often delays...
McSweeney’s
• Ben Steere
How Many University Vice-Chancellors Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?
ANSWER: Ten. One Vice-Chancellor for Administration and Finance to commission a feasibility study. One Vice-Chancellor for Institutional Effectiveness to assess the impact of the increased lumens on university accreditation. One Vice-Chancellor for Strategic Planning to ali...
McSweeney’s
• Anavel Mingke
I’ll Give You Fifteen Thousand Dollars to Stop Asking Me to Go Hiking
Hey, Maya — First off, congratulations on becoming an “outdoors person.” Three years ago, you thought mosquitoes were government drones. Now you own boots with names like “Expedition Carbon Ultra GTX.” People change. I’m happy for you. Which is why I’d like to offer you fift...
McSweeney’s
• Andrew Patrick Clark
Our University Does Not Require Books, Paper, or Human Knowledge
Welcome to the university of the future. Our new digital-forward brand of education requires no books, no paper, and, best of all, no human knowledge. The customers—I mean, Young Learning Partners—simply pay their tuition and begin their virtual journey: two entire weeks’ wo...
McSweeney’s
• Cathleen Freedman Deacon
Things That Happened to Both Odysseus in The Odyssey and to Me on My Bachelorette Trip
1. We went to war with our friends. Odysseus and his buddies fought in the Trojan War on what was essentially a decades-long boys’ trip. I went to Nantucket to fight with 23 of my closest girlfriends for three days. 2. We did not follow the map. Odysseus wanted to chart his ...
McSweeney’s
• Devon Anderson
Reasons That I, a Billionaire, Am Still Miserable
The yacht’s Wi-Fi became weak for almost forty-five seconds while crossing the Mediterranean, forcing me to experience what experts call “a thought.” My personal chef interpreted “comfort food” as “deconstructed truffle-infused childhood,” when what I wanted was a grilled ch...
McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald
Nature Endures
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
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McSweeney’s
• Halsten Higgins
All the Things My New Meat Glasses Can Do
I’m so excited my new Meat Glasses have arrived in the mail. I unwrap them and turn them over. Wow, they’ve really done it. You can’t see the camera under the ground beef at all. In fact, they look like high-fashion glasses made of raw, Grade A ground sirloin. Still, Meat Gl...
McSweeney’s
• Rachel Rose Keller
FAQ: Your Favorite ’70s Song Is in Our Prescription Drug Commercial
Q: Why my favorite song? Your favorite song’s lyrics were either generic or changeable enough that we could capitalize on your nostalgia. We figured we could hold your attention for ten seconds longer than our usual arthritis medication commercials, where people do light phy...
McSweeney’s
• Ali Kelley
Work is Not Your Family, but AI is Your Friend
Ready to join an exciting new startup with a radical approach to employee-employer relations? Trustus was founded on a belief that workplaces are not families. For too long, we’ve seen companies use this language to exploit employee labor for personal profit, and we don’t wa...
McSweeney’s
• Talia Argondezzi
Professor Sisyphus Begins a New Semester
On the first day of the semester, Professor Sisyphus made a to-do list. As he completed items on the to-do list, he kept adding new ones at about twice the rate he crossed off items. Professor Sisyphus graded the papers his students had submitted. The day he handed back the ...
McSweeney’s
• Eddie Small
Honest Parks and Rec Soccer Itinerary, Ages 4-5 League
Week 1 Players will arrive at the field, get their shirts, get incredibly excited about their shirts, demand to know why Moana isn’t on any of the shirts, fight among each other about who got the best shirt, and hopefully get within six inches of the ball at some point. Week...
McSweeney’s
• Nicole Blackwood
If You’re a Little Piggy, This Could Be the Job for You
Our company exists to make humanity more free, to solve the challenges MLK forgot to dream about. We began as an idea and bloomed into the market’s least compunctious competitor—that’s what makes us the number one AI-powered workflow management app currently under FTC invest...
McSweeney’s
• Julie Klausner
There’s a New Cookie Place
I have great news: there’s a new cookie place! It just opened. It’s called Kiss the Cookie, but I will do no such thing. I will eat the cookie. All of it. Here’s why that’s impressive: their cookies are very big. In fact, here’s one of their marketing gimmicks: if you can pr...
McSweeney’s
• Tracy Chabala
Trickle-Down Economics Sues Third Law of Motion for Being a Thing
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT SOME SUNNY DISTRICT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA NEAR A HORSE RANCH TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS, (plaintiff) V. THE THIRD LAW OF MOTION, (defendant) STATEMENT OF CLAIM 1. THE THIRD LAW OF MOTION, which has been debunked time and time again by people who say...
McSweeney’s
• Andrew Belfry
An Open Letter to Bounce Houses
As a parent, I am required to obtain a car seat that must withstand a direct missile strike but am expected to look the other way when an inflatable UFC octagon with no referee is a main feature at nearly every birthday party. Admittedly, I had fun bouncing when I was a kid,...
McSweeney’s
• Samantha Green
It’s ICE—We’re Rebranding and Jazz-Handing With Our Sizzling New INCEL™ G.L.O.V.E.S.
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers may soon be outfitted with gloves that can deliver painful electric shocks intended to gain compliance from combative individuals. -CBS News - - -
We in the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement Department have re...
McSweeney’s
• Anaïs Godard
A Field Guide to the Inspirational People You Meet After Having a Disabled Child
Congratulations. Your child has received a diagnosis. You have now entered one of Southern California’s most biodiverse ecosystems. While these remarkable creatures can be found throughout the region, they thrive in particularly fertile habitats: Erewhon checkout lines, adap...
McSweeney’s
• Dan Kennedy
No, Mensa, YOU take MY Online Mini Test
A man stands in a log cabin at night while the roof leaks. He eats Pepperidge Farms cookies and paces to think. What if doing this with a blanket wrapped around you is a sign of genius? You would never know, because your online test is broken and it keeps giving VERY INTELLI...
McSweeney’s
• Lucy Huber
Places My First Baby Slept as a Newborn vs. Places My Third Baby Has Slept as a Newborn
In the hospital bassinet next to my bed while I stayed awake for his first forty-eight hours to make sure he was still breathing In the hospital nursery - - -
Quietly, in my arms while I rocked him to sleep in a rocking chair In the bend of the couch covered in Pokémon stick...
McSweeney’s
• Mary Kay Holmes
Release Notes: Woman™ Version 51.0
Thank you for updating to Woman 51.0. This release includes important security updates, several unexpected hardware changes, a completely redesigned relationship with alcohol, and expanded support for saying “absolutely not” without explaining yourself. New Features Night S...
McSweeney’s
• Bob Woodiwiss
The Free Trial by Franz Kafka
There’s been some sort of error, thought Joseph K. Yes, that was it, an inadvertent error. Quite possibly on his part. A careless thumb tap when paranoiascrolling on his phone or a wayward mouse click while porn-drunk. The type of mistake modern life makes inevitable. Though...