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Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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McSweeney’s
• Justin P. Drew

I Wished on a Monkey’s Paw for Susan Collins to Lose Her Senate Seat, and Now We’re Stuck with Graham Platner

“Several women who dated Graham Platner recall ‘unsettling’ behavior. The Democratic candidate for Senate in Maine could be charming, women said in interviews, but some found his actions intimidating and disturbing.” — The New York Times - - - I must apologize. You see, rig...

McSweeney’s
• Louie Aronowitz

I Can’t Fix Your Life; I’m Just a Bodega Cat Stretching

Hey, thanks for reaching out. I get that you are having an existential crisis of self, facing the realities of aging, and accepting your social and economic circumstances, but listen, there is nothing I can do; I’m just a cat stretching in a bodega. And no, it doesn’t matter...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Engorged by Criticism

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
• Justin Taroli

A Queer Writer’s Survival Guide to the Literary Agent Hypocrisy Circus: PRETEND vs. ACTUAL

PRETEND: “We want diverse stories that push boundaries!” ACTUAL: “Just make sure your ‘diversity’ doesn’t make our white, straight readers uncomfortable. Gay but not too gay. Brown, but relatable. If your trauma can’t be solved by brunch, it’s a pass.” PRETEND: “Literature s...

McSweeney’s
• Jack Loftus

“NEWS MAN BAD”: A Personnel Memo from Animal, Your Editor-In-Chief

“‘The leadership of 60 Minutes is no longer recognizable,’ Scott Pelley said late Tuesday, just hours after being fired from CBS News after almost 40 years at the network. ‘The principles I hold dear are gone, and so I must leave as well.’” — Variety - - - Previously, in th...

McSweeney’s
• Ryan Weber

“Descartes Against Humanity” and Other Games Designed by Famous Philosophers

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McSweeney’s
• Dan Hass

Reviews of New Food: Taco Bell’s Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets

Forgive me, Padre, for I have binged. Kissed brimstone. Huffed hellfire. Made a $5.99 deal with El Diablo for a five-pack of chicken nuggets. In the back booth of a Taco Bell Cantina, I plop down my tray like I’m late to the Last Supper. Spread before me: an unholy communion...

McSweeney’s
• Tony Delgado

I’m Jessica Fletcher, and I Don’t Even Feel Anything Anymore When I Find a Dead Body

I’m a famous mystery novelist, power-walking enthusiast, and spunky widow who, despite my husband’s death, has not had my joie de vivre diminished in the slightest. Meeting me, perhaps you’d surmise that I’m a glass-half-full kind of gal who loves socializing, travel, and di...

McSweeney’s
• J Brooke

LGB  Is No Longer My Four-Le  er Word

Yeah, I’m  rans, bu  mos  people can’     ell. Maybe  hey can  ell I’m nonbinary, bu  mos  days  hey jus misgender me “hey ma’am” (  hough I’m no ). I was born  his way, I always knew I was a bo...

McSweeney’s
• Emily Bressler

I’m Sorry, Sweetie, You Can’t Have a Cell Phone Because I Don’t Know How to Add You to Grandma’s Family Plan

Sweetie, sit down. I know you’ve been asking for a cell phone for a while now. And though your father and I both agree that you’re ready for the responsibility, we unfortunately can’t get you one just yet, or maybe ever, because we don’t know how to add you to Grandma’s fami...

McSweeney’s
• Emily Bressler

I’m Sorry, Sweetie, You Can’t Have a Cellphone Because I Don’t Know How to Add You to Grandma’s Family Plan

Sweetie, sit down. I know you’ve been asking for a cell phone for a while now. And though your father and I both agree that you’re ready for the responsibility, we unfortunately can’t get you one just yet, or maybe ever, because we don’t know how to add you to Grandma’s fami...

McSweeney’s
• Ruyi Wen

Your Body Is Now Considered Vintage

Dear Human, We are pleased to inform you that after several decades of constant (if often subpar) operation, you have finally crossed the threshold from “garage sale junk” to “retro memorabilia.” Your body is no longer considered a worn-out, high-mileage clunker, but a herit...

McSweeney’s
• Andrew Patrick Clark

What I Will Give to Access This Airport Wi-Fi

Welcome to the wireless high-speed intranet and internet access system (“Wi-Fi System”) at Chicago O’Hare International Airport (“ORD”). Please read the following information, terms, and conditions carefully before using the ORD Free Wi-Fi. This agreement (“Agreement”) gover...

McSweeney’s
• Andrew Patrick Clark

What I Will Give to Access This Airport WiFi

Welcome to the wireless high-speed Intranet and Internet access system (“Wi-Fi System”) at Chicago O’Hare International Airport (“ORD”). Please read the following information, terms, and conditions carefully before using the ORD Free Wi-Fi. This agreement (“Agreement”) gover...

McSweeney’s
• Rebecca Schiff and Sam Axelrod

Writers

Writers have problems. Writers win prizes. Writers play ping-pong, think other writers are their friends. Writers write baseball novels. Writers write war novels. Writers write about the South. Writers make music. Writers draw. Writers take pictures of their desks. Writers s...

McSweeney’s
• Ginger Greene

A Short Interview with Rafia Zakaria

Last week, Rafia Zakaria won the 2026 National Magazine Award in the category of Columns and Essays. The winning piece, “Water Pressure,” was published in Issue 150 of The Believer and is available to read in full on their website. It follows Zakaria’s father on his search f...

McSweeney’s
• Caleb Coy

The Only Opening Songs On an Album

“This here banger should grab your attention.” “This semi-banger should alert your attention before the second track really grabs your attention.” “Slowwwwwww fade in.” “Honestly, this is the only track worth listening to, but it’s the pre-digital age, and we just forced you...

McSweeney’s
• Nashae Jones

Being the Black Main Character in a Destination Rom-Com: A Choose Your Own Adventure

Your life is a mess, an absolute Level 10 disaster. You’ve lost your job, and there might be pending charges after you borrowed your employer’s Hermes silk dress and Prada pumps. You’ve got no place to live after your thirteenth-floor walk-up Hell’s Kitchen sublet has decide...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Affable Insects

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
• Jesse Kubanet

What May Follow When You Are Slacked “Hey”

You’re fired.

You are getting a promotion.

You are getting a demotion.

You are now in charge.

The person you hate here the most is now in charge, and they told me to tell you that you are fired.

No paychecks this week, cool?

Could I borrow you for a sec?

Could I borrow you for a quick sec?

I’ve always loved you.

We’re doubling your salary.

We’re taking your salary and cutting it in half.

We’re taking your salary, cutting it in half, and giving that half to the person here you hate the most.

The Christmas gift this year is a donation to the charity of someone else’s choice.

Layoffs are coming, and you’re safe.

Layoffs are coming. We’re safe.

Layoffs are coming. You’re safe, I’m not.

Layoffs are coming. I’m safe, you’re not.

Layoffs are coming. We’re both fucked.

Lunch?

Guess who’s fucked?

Guess who fucked?

Coffee?

Can you open this doc?

Nevermind.

McSweeney’s
• Miles Kahn

AI Writing Jobs You Should Apply to Today

Hollywood Annotated Creative Labs, Inc. Role: AI Script Trainer The best Hollywood scripting models still take illogical leaps in narrative structure. Every correction you make becomes a training node for the next AI self-scripting model and also another notch in the deathbe...

McSweeney’s
• David Shih

For Sale: Digital Art Collection and Miscellaneous Items Priced to Move

Hi. So I have this collection. It is a significant collection. At its peak in February 2022, it was worth—conservatively—$2.3 million. Seriously. I have documentation. I will show you the documentation. I am asking $400 for all 847 pieces. This is not a joke. The $400 is fir...

McSweeney’s
• Jack Loftus

I, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There

“Insider reporting from an unnamed White House official says the Iran deal is ‘95% done.’ The remaining 5% of negotiations are focused on Iran opening the Strait of Hormuz and turning over all nuclear material.” – Conservative pollster Frank Luntz, writing on X. - - - I, Sis...

McSweeney’s
• Ioan Marc Jones

Can You Avoid an Old High School Friend at the Bus Stop? A Decision Tree

1. Do you have a mobile phone? Can you act like you have received an important call? A. I have the latest iPhone, and I studied at the Cours Florent in Paris for three years, under the tutelage of the great Cédric Blanc. I have trained my entire life for this moment. B. Yes,...

McSweeney’s
• Knopf

An Interview with Dave Eggers About His New Novel, Contrapposto

- - - Q: This is a very funny, very moving book about the deepest kind of friendship. It unfolds over many decades, and the novel took shape over decades for you, too. When did you begin thinking about these characters? DAVE EGGERS: I’ve been thinking about Cricket and Olym...

McSweeney’s
• Audrey Burges

My Typical Day According to My Thirteen-Year-Old

I wake before dawn to coordinate with my vast network of parental co-conspirators. Our agenda this morning is straight fire, as the youth would say, beginning with a vigorous debate about scheduling sunrise for maximum cruelty. We ultimately settle on triggering dawn just a ...

McSweeney’s
• Kristen Mulrooney

Reviews of New Food: Fenway Park’s Lobstah Poutine

So you spent the last two hours fighting for your life trying to merge into aggressive traffic, avoid potholes, find the one open space in the parking garage near the T stop, and stay on your feet in a crammed Green Line train with no handholds, and now you’re going to sit y...

McSweeney’s
• Tyler Gooch

I’ll Take This Costco Sample, but Only So I Can Make an Informed Purchasing Decision

Oh, hello—sorry, almost didn’t see you here at the end of the aisle with your hairnet and your alluring toaster oven full of mysterious, cost-free delicacies. I was just passing by, shopping for things that cost money. That’s what I do when I come here. I participate in the ...

McSweeney’s
• Kristina Grob

Thirteen Ways of Looking at AI

With apologies to Wallace Stevens. - - - I Meeting with the academic dean I asked him to share with faculty How admin are using AI. II A colleague shares a short story: Kafka sitting in a sales meeting For AI. III AI can help faculty take Burdensome things off their plate, S...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Nature Cam

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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