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Text • John Semley

A Rob Schneider Comedy Show May Be Long And Expensive, But At Least It’s Boring

A Rob Schneider Comedy Show May Be Long And Expensive, But At Least It’s Boring
PHILADELPHIA — On the afternoon of April 9, 2026, partisans of the Albertan separatist movement—who rally for the landlocked province’s secession from the broader, united commonwealth of Canada, and the establishment of a self-sufficient petro-state bankrolled by the its amp...

Defector
Text • Israel Daramola

All That Matters Is That It Bangs

All That Matters Is That It Bangs
Welcome to Listening Habits, a column where I share the music and musical topics I’ve been fixated on recently. The first time I ever noticed that I was being sold to by the shadowy music industry in a way that didn't feel genuine to me was with the arrival of a l...

Defector
Text • Kelsey McKinney

Bonk! This Ball Went Somewhere New!

Bonk! This Ball Went Somewhere New!
There are 30 Major League Baseball teams, and every summer they play a combined 2,430 games. There is baseball on every day all the time. Someone is always hitting a ground ball into a 6-4-3 double play, or going on an eight-game losing streak, or smashing a home run deep in...

Defector
Text • Kathryn Xu

One Night At Formula 1’s Drunk-Driving Simulator

One Night At Formula 1’s Drunk-Driving Simulator
A couple of the members of Defector’s Philadelphia bureau received an invitation, approximately one year ago, to attend the official launch of the city's F1 Arcade (pretty much what it sounds like), with DJ Jazzy Jeff. None of us were able to attend. Ever since then, until t...

Defector
Text • Luis Paez-Pumar

Chelsea Manager Gets Fired, As All Chelsea Managers Do

Chelsea Manager Gets Fired, As All Chelsea Managers Do
As of Wednesday, three teams in the Premier League have fired at least two managers this season. Two of the clubs are Nottingham Forest (who has fired a whopping three managers within one season) and Tottenham Hotspur, both mired in the relegation battle to varying degrees. ...

Defector
Text • Tom Ley

Mike Vrabel To Seek Counseling Over “Completely Innocent Interaction” With Dianna Russini

Mike Vrabel To Seek Counseling Over “Completely Innocent Interaction” With Dianna Russini
Patriots head coach Mike Vrabel has another life update for us. Here's what he had to say at his second press conference of the week, on Wednesday evening: As I said the other day, I promised my family, this organization and this team that I was going to give them the best...

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Text • Barry Petchesky

Philadelphia’s Hottest Club Is The Penalty Box

Philadelphia’s Hottest Club Is The Penalty Box
This isn't Berghain; they're not going to turn you away at the door; the more the merrier. Everybody who's anybody is in the penalty box in South Philly, from the generation's greatest skater to the lowliest goon. And by the time the lights were turned on and everyone scurri...

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Text • Ray Ratto

The Yankees Want To Dress Like All The Other Baseball Teams

The Yankees Want To Dress Like All The Other Baseball Teams
There's no predicting which silly story will become the next unhinged national sociopolitical argument. It is clear how it happens—enough people pretend to be upset about it on television and social media that some other, softer-brained people get upset about it for real—but...

Defector
Text • Ray Ratto

Is It Wrong To Use The Fear Of A Vengeful Easter Bunny To Get My Kid To Eat?

Is It Wrong To Use The Fear Of A Vengeful Easter Bunny To Get My Kid To Eat?

Welcome back to Minor Dilemmas, where a member of Defector's Parents Council will answer your questions on surviving family life. Have a question? Email us at minordilemmas@defector.com.

This week, Ray offers advice on how to get your toddler to sit down to eat at the dinner table.

At Easter dinner, my two year old refused to sit in his chair. Reasoning, threatening, and pleading made no difference. I then had the desperate idea to conjure up a monster to help: I told him that the Easter bunny puts bad little boys in Easter eggs and turns them into chocolate if they don't listen to parents. He immediately stayed in his chair. I've since brought up the Easter bunny twice when he's behaving badly and: prompt, complete compliance. Is this good parenting, or great parenting?

Defector
Text • Lauren Theisen

This Frickin’ Guy

This Frickin’ Guy
If you ever come across a 35-goal scorer with a chip on his shoulder bigger than the state of Florida, just turn around and skate the other way. Brandon Hagel has been a crucial piece of the Tampa Bay Lightning roster for over four years now—a wicked penalty killer and two-w...

Defector
Text • Patrick Redford

Micro Aura Transgressions, With Giri Nathan

Micro Aura Transgressions, With Giri Nathan

Ciao e buongiorno! This week on the show, we welcomed back your friend and ours Giri Nathan to talk about the NBA playoffs and some other stuff. As to the former: Our discussion took place hours after Giri's beloved Knicks and also beloved Nuggets lost at home in a pair of Game 2s, and those two games took up the bulk of the discussion. We also got to Harry's impression of Jordan Peterson crying about SGA's free throws, my beach-informed theory of the Lakers–Celtics rivalry, and Giri's Nikola Jokic expertise.

As to the other stuff: We also had a lengthy discussion of a16z's horrible new TBPN clone, and the ways it is and is not the future of media, and what that means. We closed the show with some tennis chat, before some guys digging in the street severed Giri's internet connection. This was a fun one!

Defector
Text • Dave McKenna

Nats To Fans: Hey Everybody, Look What Dumbasses Our Players Are!

Nats To Fans: Hey Everybody, Look What Dumbasses Our Players Are!

Two underfunded and underperforming D.C.-based operations, the Washington Nationals and the National Park Service, showed their asses on social media this week.

The Nats’ Twitter team got the ball rolling with a video that attempted to be ha-ha funny by asking players and a broadcaster to name their “favorite store on the National Mall.” This is part of the cancer spreading across sports social media staffs, where lots of time and alleged creativity is spent making everybody look and feel dumb. The “joke” is … there are no stores at the National Mall! Gotcha! It’s a national park, not a retail outpost! Get it? 

“National Mall, where’s that?” says shortstop C.J. Abrams. 

Defector
Text • Ray Ratto

Billy Donovan Hops Onto The NBA’s Slow-Moving Coaching Carousel

Billy Donovan Hops Onto The NBA’s Slow-Moving Coaching Carousel
Billy Donovan seemed all set to become the dominant figure in the Chicago Bulls' basketball hierarchy, having not only outlasted the team's head of basketball operations and its general manager but getting an oversold but still noticeable vote of approval from the person who...

Defector
Text • Kathryn Xu

Formula 1’s Emergency Midseason Regulation Changes, Explained

Formula 1’s Emergency Midseason Regulation Changes, Explained
After unceasing complaints from drivers, fans, teams, and team principals, along with a healthy dose of outside humiliation, the FIA and various Formula 1 manufacturing authorities took the opportunity of no April races to implement overhauls to the vastly unpopular 2026 reg...

Defector
Text • Albert Burneko

Pete Hegseth Adds New Weapon To American Warfighter Loadout: Influenza

Pete Hegseth Adds New Weapon To American Warfighter Loadout: Influenza
The U.S. Department of Defense will no longer mandate flu vaccination for military service members or civilian personnel, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Tuesday, in a tweeted video that nothing shy of a credible imminent threat to murder my entire family could make...

Defector
Text • Patrick Redford

The Scariest Part Of A Concussion Is The Uncertainty

The Scariest Part Of A Concussion Is The Uncertainty
With 8:57 left in the second quarter of what had been a pretty entertaining Game 2 between the San Antonio Spurs and Portland Trail Blazers, Victor Wembanyama lost his footing while driving on Jrue Holiday, slipped, fell, and slammed his face into the hardwood. He left the g...

Defector
Text • Drew Magary

A Game Of ‘Clue’ Turns Into Open Warfare

A Game Of ‘Clue’ Turns Into Open Warfare

Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking juicers, the Spock market, airplane seat prep, and more.

Your letters:

Brendan:

Defector
Text • Israel Daramola

Mike Vrabel Says a Whole Lot Of Nothing About Dianna Russini Photos

Mike Vrabel Says a Whole Lot Of Nothing About Dianna Russini Photos
Patriots coach Mike Vrabel decided to have a press conference today, addressing the media for the first time since those eyebrow-raising photos of him and now former NFL insider Dianna Russini were published. What did Vrabel want to tell everyone? It's not really clear based...

Defector
Text • Lauren Theisen

Can’t Miss That

Can’t Miss That
The Carolina Hurricanes spent Game 1 displaying exactly why they're among the East's favorites. After the Ottawa Senators dropped Game 2 in double overtime, they're left ruing all the opportunities they didn't take advantage of in a much more evenly played game. Against thes...

Defector
Text • Drew McQuade

What I Found Sorting Through 1,200 T-Shirts My Son Left Behind

What I Found Sorting Through 1,200 T-Shirts My Son Left Behind
I took the D-shirt challenge, knowing it would be an emotional rollercoaster through weepy terrain. There was some sun overhead though, and some smiles to cut through the cold reality that I had to do it alone. Dan McQuade was my son, and as anyone who is familiar with his ...

Defector
Text • Barry Petchesky

Did You Hear? Cribl, Axonius, And Netskope Were At The Game

Patriots' Day in Massachusetts is known for two things: the Boston Marathon and Here Comes The Pizza. No longer. The third Monday in April will forevermore be remembered as the day Cribl, Axonius, and Netskope were at Fenway Park. No need to clean out your ears, you heard me correctly: Cribl, Axonius, and Netskope.

I'm not sure you understand what a big deal this is. Cribl, Axonius, and Netskope! Three of the entities of all time! Will wonders never cease? Cribl and Netskope taking in a Red Sox game together, sure. That wouldn't make headlines. Cribl and Axonius? I could see it happening. But Cribl, Axonius, and Netskope? All in one place? At the same time? And in historic Fenway Park? Pull the other one!

Defector
Text • Ray Ratto

Connor McWhovid?

Connor McWhovid?
The Edmonton Oilers are perceived to have been cruising on Connor McDavid's nickname more than a decade now, and will be for maybe another decade. And while it became a matter of cross-border amusement that McJesus could not win a Stanley Cup from a guy nicknamed Bob, it was...

Defector
Text • Giri Nathan

Tom Dundon Applies His Chintzy Tactics To The Trail Blazers

Tom Dundon Applies His Chintzy Tactics To The Trail Blazers
At the end of March, the NBA approved the sale of the Portland Trail Blazers to a group of investors led by Dallas billionaire Tom Dundon, at a valuation of about $4.25 billion. On paper, Dundon, who already owns the NHL's Carolina Hurricanes, certainly looks the part of an ...

Defector
Text • Becca Young

The Fatherless Fantasy Of ‘Bridgerton’

The Fatherless Fantasy Of ‘Bridgerton’
In the world of Netflix’s Bridgerton, the wildly popular Regency romance adapted from an equally popular book series, some things are constant: The women wear organza and brocade gowns; everyone takes long walks in manicured parks, and longer reclines in ornate sitting rooms...

Defector
Text • Tom Ley

Madison Square Garden Has A Reluctant New Villain

Madison Square Garden Has A Reluctant New Villain
Near the end of the New York Knicks' Game 1 victory over the Atlanta Hawks on Saturday, the rowdy home fans started chanting, "Fuck Trae Young!" This despite the fact that it has been several years since Young earned the city's ire by knocking the Knicks out of the playoffs....

Defector
Text • Lauren Theisen

Delete The Mets

Delete The Mets
Don't stop me if you've heard this one before: The New York Mets are a real disappointment. This was true last year, when they missed the playoffs, and this was true last week, when the team followed a sweep at the hands of the Athletics with one by the Dodgers. It's somehow...

Defector
Text • Kathryn Xu

Munetaka Murakami Watch: Big Homers, Wacky Numbers

Munetaka Murakami Watch: Big Homers, Wacky Numbers

Forget what the scouting report said about Munetaka Murakami before he came over to MLB from the NPB. As we all know, foreign scouting is not real. Big bombs are real, and Murakami has, in his three most recent games games with the Chicago White Sox, delivered three big bombs. One of them even had the additional oomph of being his first career grand slam.

114.1 mph exit velocity, 431 feet to dead center field
103.9 mph exit velocity, 415 feet to center field

Defector
Text • Luis Paez-Pumar

Manchester City Helpfully Extends Arsenal’s Freefall

Manchester City Helpfully Extends Arsenal’s Freefall

Last week, I wrote that Manchester City had to intervene and stop the Arsenal title march, mainly for my own personal enjoyment. While some of you rightfully didn't appreciate that, you can't argue with the results. Arsenal came out on Sunday at City's stadium ready to play and still lost, 2-1, ceding control of the title race with just five matches left in its season.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeFeAiDvFww

The stats won't back the argument that Arsenal did anything particularly exciting yesterday, at least at face value. City dominated possession, 59-41, and had 15 shots to Arsenal's nine (five to three on target differential). Arsenal's only goal came from a Gianluigi Donnarumma mistake:

Defector
Text • Maitreyi Anantharaman

The Crossword, April 20: Haute Cuisine

The Crossword, April 20: Haute Cuisine

Our Monday crossword is pretty dope. This week's puzzle was constructed by Zachary Edward-Brown and Mishkin Filstrup, and edited by Hoang-Kim Vu. Zach and Mishkin are high school friends from Chicago. Zach enjoys soccer and basketball and rooting for the Bears. Mishkin enjoys playing golf with his family and running track with his friends.

Defector crosswords, launched in partnership with our friends at AVCX, run every Monday. If you’re interested in submitting a puzzle to us, you can read our guidelines HERE. Please note that submissions will be closed from April 1 to May 1. 

Defector
Text • Ben Dowsett

The Block, As Remembered By The Guy Who Called It And The Guy Who Let It Be

The Block, As Remembered By The Guy Who Called It And The Guy Who Let It Be

Monty McCutchen remembers the play unfolding in front of him.

With just under two minutes left in Game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals, the game tied at 89, Golden State's Andre Iguodala grabbed a rebound and dribbled up the floor. He was coming right at McCutchen, who was backpedaling and would end up as the "lead" official positioned underneath the basket Iguodala was sprinting toward. Iguodala and teammate Steph Curry bore down on J.R. Smith, the only Cleveland Cavalier back on defense; Iguodala passed it off to Curry, who skipped it straight back. As the closest referee, McCutchen prepared for a contested attempt at the rim.

"I was refereeing J.R. Smith," says McCutchen, one of three officials on the game and now the NBA's senior VP of referee development and training. "I remember thinking, 'You got J.R. Get J.R. Get J.R.'"