My journey towards bowing to the feet of the Lord of Darkness has been a long one. I can’t be sure exactly where it began, if it was when I started using coconut flour to cut gluten out of my family’s diet, or if the seeds of demon worship were planted in me when I was forci...
“Republican Sen. Joni Ernst faced a number of agitated constituents at a town hall on Friday who expressed concerns that the Republicans’ cuts to Medicaid under their major legislative effort to advance President Donald Trump’s agenda would cause people to die. Her response:...
6:30 a.m. I awaken from sleep with the unparalleled energy of someone who has an entire school-sanctioned day to humiliate their offspring. 6:55 a.m. Peering into my closet, I select the skinniest jeans I own—seriously, I haven’t worn these since before my preteen was born. ...
“The term ‘TACO,’ short for Trump Always Chickens Out, has been used to describe how markets tumble on the president’s tariff threats, then rebound when he gives way.” – New York Times - - -
GRAPE - Gift Received, Announced Pardon Early PORK - Presidential Order Rewarding Kl...
The Desperado: They get a dreamy look in their eyes, then, before you know it, swoop in quick as a bandit and shove their tongue down your throat. The Zombie: Their lips are stiff and dead, and you want to whisper, “Pucker up, you lifeless weirdo,” but you can feel yourself ...
“A national psyche is loosened when someone is allowed to publicly flaunt the agreements we have all made with one another.” - - -
Crime, punishment, and the legacy of TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO’S failed coup. - - -
These were among the remarks delivered to the people of Trinidad ...
“The White House has been hearing out a chorus of ideas in recent weeks for persuading Americans to get married and have more children, an early sign that the Trump administration will embrace a new cultural agenda pushed by many of its allies on the right to reverse declini...
“After back-to-back explosions, SpaceX launched its mega rocket Starship again on Tuesday evening, but fell short of the main objectives when the spacecraft tumbled out of control and broke apart.” – PBS - - -
We at SpaceX would like to remind the losers who have been gleefu...
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was “accessorize.” I am equal parts holy relic and regional pageant tiara. I am crucifix and courtroom bling. I am a sacrament. I am a statement piece. I am forged of divine gold sourced from the sacred h...
STOP WRITING POEMS THAT ARE ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO READ A POEM THAT IS JUST ABOUT A TIME THAT YOU WERE ANGRY, SAD, OR HAPPY. YOU ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING. HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THOSE POEMS. “Plum Poem” Once, I looked in the fridge, And I saw that ...
Why would a fifty-five-year-old man try such a thing as Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy, you might ask. I’ll tell you why. The grocery store was out of Nerds Very Berry Gummy Clusters, and a fiend needs his fix. We are in the midst of something like a golden age of candy t...
“Shy around strangers but will warm up” It will take six months for your friends to even realize you have a cat. They thought your apartment just smelled like that. “Treat motivated” You’ll never enjoy a bagel in peace again. Cats can have a little cream cheese, it’s fine....
Health experts say to wash your water bottle every day. I definitely do this, even if I can’t recall the last time I actually washed my water bottle. I must wash it so often, all my water-bottle-washing incidents blend together. It’s involuntary, like breathing. You wouldn’t...
“The Trump administration on Thursday said it would halt Harvard University’s ability to enroll international students, taking aim at a crucial funding source for the nation’s oldest and wealthiest college in a major escalation of the administration’s efforts to pressure the...
FEATURES: - TIES AROUND THE WAIST - POPULAR WITH GIRLS - DOUBLES AS A SUPERHERO CAPE FOR YOUR GENITALS
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In 1993, a music video played at the end of an episode of a sitcom I liked, featuring one of the show’s stars. The song was “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix” by Joey L...
Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college. - - -
Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial. - - -
Social media influencer in the menopause space. - - -
Molly Ringwald look-alike contest. - - -
Selling vintage T-shirts from concerts you actually attended. - - -
Freelance music critic (mostly unpaid). - - -
Osteoporosis clinical trial patient. - - -
Lyft driver known for blasting “retro music” from the 1900s. - - -
Shoplift, because it’s not like anyone even notices you anymore.
Come closer, grandchild. Thanks for visiting me one last time before I die. I’ve lived a great life. I climbed Mt. Everest, founded a Fortune 500 company, and had six amazing children. But there’s one mistake that haunts me: not spending more of my life creating, entering, a...
Since 1988, we at Dippin’ Dots have proudly sold the official ice cream of the future. And ever since, we’ve been waiting for the future to arrive at Little League concession stands and any place that smells like popcorn and feet. But now that the future is here, we regret t...
“A federal agency has cancelled a $117,000 grant that was set to go to the Emily Dickinson Museum.” — MassLive - - -
Dear Miss Dickinson, Following a routine audit of publicly funded projects for ideological alignment, your grant for digitizing a newly cataloged collection o...
Great to see you again. Sorry for the wait. The last procedure went a little long. How are you feeling? Nervous? Ready to get this over with? Wondering about this hat? We should be ready to go soon; they’re just turning over the OR. I wanted to come out and say a quick hello...
Read the first installment, published during Trump’s first term. - - -
United States Department of Agriculture Ad salmonellam “Towards salmonella” Immigration and Customs Enforcement Perfugium profugorum “Refuge from refugees” Department of Education Omnes discipuli reliquun...
One of the things so compelling about Margaret Ross’s Saturday is her obsessive fidelity to a purity of description: “Beige clouds in a greenish sky / seen through cheap sunglasses.” To that, she adds an instability of syntax and line break that she makes into a thing of coo...
I’ve lived in this city for decades, but I’m noticing more and more problems. There’s crowding, congestion, changing people, tall buildings, and the biggest problem: This city is a literal city. I love living in a city, but I hate dealing with other people. I shouldn’t be su...
“Bruce Springsteen has spoken out against the White House again after President Donald Trump called him a ‘dried-out prune’ on social media. Speaking in Manchester, England, the musician criticized the government for the second time during his Land of Hopes and Dreams tour, ...
Hey team. It’s your CEO. I know your time is valuable, so I’ll cut right to the chase: It’s come to my attention that some of you have been bad-mouthing the Giant Plagiarism Machine. I’d like to remind you that our company policy is pro–Plagiarism Machine. We’re a tech-forwa...
Honey, before you race out the door, don’t forget your backpack and your lunch and your— Wait. Hold on a second. Back yourself right back in here. Are those Bermuda shorts? Don’t you lie to me. Those cuffs are at least an inch thick—you think I can’t see how many times you’v...
Hey Mum! Remember a couple of months before you died, when you told me the Freemasons had installed Pope Francis? And that he was in cahoots with Obama, who was the Antichrist? You waved your iPad at me, with the YouTube page open that laid it all out. And I said, kind of te...
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A quarterly column from Carrie Brownstein, who is better at dispensing advice than taking it - - -
Q: About a year ago, my friend asked me to start sharing my real-time location with her. At first, the layer of forced transparency made me anxious. What if I want to re...
Illustrations by Katie Gorman. - - -
What a glorious life I lead as the boon companion to a great hero! I am a noble steed, ready to leap into action at any moment should my hero call me. Tally-ho! Today, the hero left me standing on the edge of a cliff as he glided off wit...
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