FeedCity: McSweeney’s

McSweeney’s
18 Sep 18:06 • Jack Loftus

An Important Vaccine Update from the Lord Thy God

And lo, I was looking between the cushions of My heavenly couch the other day, seeking the divine TV remote, when I found something I had not seen in several millennia. An eleventh commandment. Apparently it had slipped down there sometime after Sinai. And I said, “Well, shi...

McSweeney’s
18 Sep 15:36 • Neil Tollfree

It’s Friday Night, Bro: Let’s Get Sober as Fuck

Come on, man, let’s get absolutely sober. It’s Friday. It’s been a long-ass week; I need to get clear-headed as a motherfucker. Teas, right? Let’s get some teas. You want some milk? Don’t be a milk pussy, dude. Get some calcium. I don’t want to be the only one with strong bo...

McSweeney’s
18 Sep 04:18 • Julie Klausner

Backrooms, but for Introverts

Thanks, everyone, for joining me on this Zoom pitch. I know we’re all in the same city, but it’s really hard for me to leave the house. Studio liaisons, assistants, third wives of executives who now work as development consultants, and everyone else on the line: You know Bac...

McSweeney’s
18 Sep 04:18 • Ali Fitzgerald

Sculpture Weather

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
18 Sep 04:18 • Mary Spencer

Rumpelstiltskin Isn’t Your Typical Fertility Startup

For some, having a baby can be prohibitively expensive, but the cost of living shouldn’t mean that starting a family is just a fairy tale. That’s where Rumpelstiltskin comes in. Rumpelstiltskin isn’t your typical fertility startup. Rumpelstiltskin is here for your child. Our...

McSweeney’s
16 Sep 20:06 • Sam E. Sutin

Ryan Lewis’s Silence on the Macklemore Situation Is Deafening

“The rapper Macklemore has been dropped as an opening act from Ed Sheeran’s stadium tour after he said ‘Free Palestine’ onstage before performing a protest song at a concert this month.” – New York Times - - - This is, objectively, a bizarre situation. Not because Macklemore...

McSweeney’s
16 Sep 13:48 • Meg Reid

An Open Letter to Juvenile, Snoop Dogg, and Lil Jon Regarding My Recently Diagnosed Degenerative Knee Condition

Dear Juvenile, Mr. Dogg, and Mr. Jon, I have just returned from an orthopedist and have concluded that my newly diagnosed degenerative knee condition could only have been caused by the numerous demands you and your colleagues made of my generation to do some variation of dro...

McSweeney’s
15 Sep 18:06 • Pete Reynolds

We Must Create the Shit Machine

For as long as humans have created SHIT with our BODIES AND BUTTS, we have been asking this FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION: What if there were a COMPUTER that could ALSO SHIT? It was this IRONCLAD CERTAINTY about people UNIVERSALLY WANTING MACHINE-GENERATED SHIT that drove us to creat...

McSweeney’s
15 Sep 13:12 • Elizabeth Simone

You Don’t Qualify for an ER Visit Until After You Attend This Online Group Class About How to Care for Your Giant Gaping Wound at Home

Welcome to your online group health class “Caring for Your Deep Laceration at Home.” We are sorry to hear that your body was badly cut, stabbed, or mauled. This class will teach you simple at-home care techniques you can start using today. I see we have a question popping up...

McSweeney’s
14 Sep 20:09 • Juliet Zhou

Faculty Search Committee Feedback on Applications from Founding Figures of the Fields for Tenure-Track Positions

Classics Homer “This guy gave his job talk in dialects. We need someone who can teach Freshman Greek 100.” Sappho “What’s the point now that DEI initiatives have been canceled?” Socrates “We read his teaching statement carefully. While the argumentative dialogue method might...

McSweeney’s
14 Sep 13:42 • Natalia Ballinger

Justifications for Not Getting Botox

You just want to buy a caftan at Chico’s without being eyed suspiciously. A smooth countenance does not go with the orthopedic shoes you’ve been rocking. If you’ve got a Hotmail account, the jig is up anyway. You want to rob a bank while remaining invisible to everyone. You’...

McSweeney’s
11 Sep 19:18 • Jonah Meyerson

Technically, There Is a Non-Zero Chance That Anything Might Kill Off Humanity in the Next Decade: A Response from Anthropic’s Claude

“AI researchers shook the world Tuesday when they publicly acknowledged that there’s a non-zero chance of AI killing off humanity in the next decade.” — Axios - - - If you want to get technical about it, then yes, there is a non-zero chance of AI killing off humanity in the ...

McSweeney’s
10 Sep 18:06 • Carlos Greaves

I Can’t Believe Zohran Mamdani is Attending the Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Memorial of 9/11, When He Did Nothing to Prevent the Attacks

“Rudy Giuliani… publicly criticized current Mayor Zohran Mamdani for planning to attend a 9/11 commemoration ceremony at Ground Zero on Friday… Giuliani’s criticism was heavily tinged with anti-Muslim sentiment and false claims about Mamdani’s beliefs. ‘They have every desir...

McSweeney’s
10 Sep 18:06 • Ali Fitzgerald

Griefmobiles

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
10 Sep 14:45 • Seema Yasmin

A Note from Your Editor Regarding the Entirely Routine Authentication of Your Humanity

Dear Author, Thank you for submitting your manuscript. Before we proceed, we require confirmation that it was written by you, a person, rather than a technology trained on books written by you without your knowledge or consent. We appreciate that this may feel circular. Plea...

McSweeney’s
09 Sep 22:06 • Ginny Hogan and Carlos Greaves

A Day in the Life of a New Yorker, According to My Fox News-Watching Florida Family Members

The following is an excerpt from our new book, Obey In Advance: How to Survive and Thrive Under Authoritarianism by longtime McSweeney’s writer Ginny Hogan and McSweeney’s resident satirist Carlos Greaves. From how to stick your head in the sand to avoid thinking about your ...

McSweeney’s
09 Sep 13:12 • Maria Choong

My Ideal Building Contractor

“I don’t believe in door-to-door solicitation, so I’m glad you called me to be one of the twenty-seven quotes you’ll receive for a storm door, after which you’ll decide you no longer want a storm door.” [Knocks on wall] “Wow—every repair in this house done by the previous ow...

McSweeney’s
08 Sep 18:00 • Dorian Fox

These Exciting Progressive Candidates Who Might Lose Must Be Replaced by Boring Moderates Who Will Definitely Lose

Here at the DNC, we’ve been dismayed by the string of progressive and socialist candidates who’ve recently won primaries in Michigan, Colorado, and even deep-red Florida. Sure, these folks might stir up enthusiasm and make a splash online, but when they’re tested in a genera...

McSweeney’s
08 Sep 15:57 • John Moe

Selected Calendar Times for Someone Self-Employed Who Works from Home

September 14 1:30 p.m. – 2 p.m. Team meeting and staring session w/ strange spot on wall (weekly, recurring) Heads of facilities and maintenance (both self) invited to offer theories, ideas HR and Marketing leads (both self) invited to explore the idea of naming the spot “...

McSweeney’s
04 Sep 20:06 • Jonathan Zeller

Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

When I awoke on RTO Day (officially “Remain to Office,” since management maintained that I’d misremembered and we’d always been in office six days a week), I was not as excited as I should have been. I felt queasy at the thought of signing the Memorandum of Loving RTO as a c...

McSweeney’s
04 Sep 15:15 • Claire Guinan

About Our Super El Niño Climate Crisis–Accurate Hot Pilates Studio

Here at DIE HOT Pilates (SoHo), we do things a little differently. We’re your new favorite fitness fusion studio blending elements of Pilates, barre, yoga, drought, inclement weather, the 1930s Dust Bowl, Zara Larsson, HIIT, cardio, cardiac arrest, and fun. Our UNIQLO-adjace...

McSweeney’s
03 Sep 19:27 • Noah Seligman

I’m Your Friend Who Just Doesn’t “Do Politics”

Look, we’ve known each other for how many years now? You remember how we met, of course. We’re current or former work colleagues whose kids go to school or play sports together or some other extracurricular activity, so we connected on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and in our...

McSweeney’s
03 Sep 19:27 • Ali Fitzgerald

Barren World

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
03 Sep 15:15 • Amanda Uhle

Voice of Witness Returns to McSweeney’s

Hi everyone, What a pleasure to share some wonderful news about the crucial work of our longtime sister organization, Voice of Witness, publisher of dozens of incredible books illuminating human rights crises. As you may know, the leadership of VOW made the difficult decisio...

McSweeney’s
03 Sep 15:15 • Joe Kleinschmidt

This Boat Is for Silent Brooding

I can tell you didn’t come to this boat expo for puerile recreation. I mean, you walked right past the Alumacraft booth. No, something tells me you understand that having a boat isn’t about holding a fishing rod and chugging a cold one. It’s really a place to harbor your mos...

McSweeney’s
02 Sep 20:06 • Kristen Koopman

Generic State University Pivots to Dark Academia

Generic State University has been proudly upholding its mission to provide opportunities and build character in all students since its founding. Now, we turn our attention to the next frontier of education: joining the ranks of Dark Academia, which we are mostly sure we coul...

McSweeney’s
02 Sep 13:15 • JiJi Lee

US Open Ticket Options for Ordinary Folks

The US Open prides itself on being an inclusive tennis event for people of all upper-income brackets. Here are some budget-friendly ticket options that are still available. Underground Pass Tennis fans can now experience the US Open as they’ve never experienced it before: on...

McSweeney’s
01 Sep 18:36 • Ginny Hogan

Future Iterations of Woke

“‘Woke 1.0 was crazy,’ Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York said in a recent interview. The congresswoman, speaking on ABC’s This Week, seemed to distance herself from the positions of an era of Democratic politics around 2020… If Woke 1.0 is in the past, when...

McSweeney’s
01 Sep 15:15 • Katy Maiolatesi and Kelley Greene

Reviews of New Food: Panera Bread Salad Stuffers

Upon entering a Panera To Go restaurant, you’re greeted by barren decor: millennial-gray tiles, a row of tablets, and not a single human in sight. It’s the uncanny valley version of a fast-casual restaurant, and it’s unnerving. As you approach the counter, it quickly becomes...

McSweeney’s
01 Sep 13:12 • Paula Grace

FAQs for the Women’s Invisibility Network

What is the Women’s Invisibility Network? The Women’s Invisibility Network (or WIN) is a neighborhood support group for women in their sunset years. We assist aging women tossed aside by society, who are still capable of great feats, because they’re invisible. WINners meet i...