“A viral photograph of a dead duck floating in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool has intensified scrutiny of the landmark’s recent $14 million renovation, fueling a mounting debate over water quality, chemical treatments, and alleged vandalism at the historic site.” — New...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
You know the ra...
400,000,000 BCE The creatures that will one day evolve to become human beings glide gracefully through the Paleozoic sea. They emerge onto the rocky shore with new legs, a new dominion for animals on this young marble planet. 300,000 BCE Drowning. 25,500 BCE Drowning. 1,500 ...
In a moment, I will activate your baby’s cochlear implants. For the first time since she was born, she will be able to hear the world around her. You’ve probably thought a lot about the first thing you’d like to say to her. Maybe it’s her name, or that you love her very much...
BEER/WINE/COCKTAILS
“Try one of our new signature seasonal cocktails, Sour Cherry Fizz-Tini, Ocean Mist Margarita, or No Drama Bahama Mama!” A cursory reading of the above might lead one to believe the restaurant is no longer offering its popular White Chocolate Russian Mi...
Brandon Jackson, who not only found his wallet without blaming his entire family for losing it, but also found it in the pants he was wearing. Eric Hughes, who, while listening to his wife’s entire twenty-two-minute story about how rude Lauren always is at book club, did not...
McSweeney’s
• Julia McCloy, Kevin Lutz, Patrick Barb, and Sam Allemang
What band is always in a hurry? Rush Which guitarist had the sauciest riffs? Spagh-Eddie Van Halen Why did AC/DC cancel their pool party? Thunder struck. What is Dark Side of the Moon about? It’s about forty-three minutes. Bon Jovi has a new diet where you eat one fruit ...
Day 1 Pestilence has struck. The very week Endurance was to sail, Young Cecily awoke hot as a kettle. I, her loving father, could not depart frail Cecily in such a state. And Mrs. Shackleton is away at the suffragettes conference for the week, so old Shacky’s flying solo on...
McSweeney’s
• Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
“As the federal health department launches a plan to wean patients off antidepressants, mental health advocates and psychiatrists say blaming the United States’ mental health crisis on overmedicalization and overprescription of psychiatric medications is an inaccurate portra...
All right, here we go. I’m so bad at these icebreakers, and you all had such interesting facts. First one: I’m a Beyoncé superfan, and I’ve seen her in concert seven times. One time, my friends and I waited behind the venue for like two hours after the show, and she signed m...
“President Trump said he hoped the war with Iran would soon be in the ‘rearview mirror’ on Tuesday, even as the terms of a cease-fire he signed remained secret and Vice President JD Vance acknowledged that it was ‘a very general document’ with few details.” – New York Times ...
“The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. Congratulations to all!” — President Donald Trump, in a Truth Social post. - - -
Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, as Starfleet’s Commander in Chief, I am pleased to announce: The war against the Romula...
You didn’t buy it because it looked enticing. Not because of its retro pink-and-gold packaging, and certainly not because of the photos on the box, which make the muffins look like tortilla-chip-sprinkled cups of raw ground beef. You bought it because your oldest kid is abou...
McSweeney’s
• Molly O. Kemper and Bethany Van Delft
Pursuant to my father’s death earlier this year, Father’s Day should obviously have been canceled. However, due to an apparent clerical blunder, the holiday does seem to be approaching, notwithstanding its newfound lack of relevance. I presume that the error will be addresse...
“Iran deal ends Trump’s war that revealed limit of US dominance.” — BBC - - -
Step One: Withdraw from any agreement your predecessor made. A truly great negotiator does not inherit a deal; he wipes the slate clean so he can build one from nothing. Step Two: Bomb them after c...
Welcome… CUNY Hell’s Kitchen Class of 2026. Gooooo Twinks! Today… we CELEBRATE… Theculminationofyearsofhardwork. I want to thank Dean Meyer for her kind introduction. Dr. Meyer’s service to this institution is an inspiration. She has such a generous spirit, a wonderful brain...
Hark ye! I am hummingbird, tiny as a golf ball, dense as a chicken tender, with feathers the size of tomato seeds. I run on sugar. SUGAR. SUGAR WATER! Look look look look look look look, SHUT UP. Look. I built my house on your doorknob. Go around, use one of the other doors,...
Dear United States, Please accept these civil and cautiously optimistic congratulations on achieving a quarter millennium as a nation. We hope this reaches you in time for the celebrations. We didn’t realize that a “semiquincentennial” was an actual thing. Sorry. It’s become...
“It is unclear if the U.S. intentionally struck [Iran’s] water facilities, or knew what was in the buildings. Deliberately targeting civilian infrastructure could constitute a war crime under international law.” – The New York Times - - -
A few crybabies are claiming the Uni...
As AI companies get ready to go public and we get a deeper look at their inner workings, it’s only natural to have questions about their finances, like “Do they make money?” and “How?” Here are a few examples to help the average layperson understand the business side of AI. ...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
Day 4,382 of people asking whether “normal workers” could really move large stones without assistance from mystical sky beings. Yes. That is generally how construction functions. - - -
A man approached me near the Nile today and whispered, “But have you considered… visitors ...
Welcome, soccer fans from around the globe, to the 2026 FIFA World Cup in the United States, Mexico, and Canada. We hope you have a pleasant stay with us and enjoy all the exciting experiences North America has to offer. Oh, and by the way, we’re monetizing the oxygen. Yes, ...
At SuperStrollers, we’re here for you, new parents. That’s why we’ve designed the world’s safest stroller with effortless steering and ample storage that’ll take you from the playground to the grocery store with ease. The best part? It’s super easy to fold as long as you hav...
I am Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus Caligula, successor of Tiberius, Son of the Divine Germanicus, and Supreme Commander and Holder of Tribunician Power, Pontifex Maximus. And I decree, in regard to the upcoming White House UFC event… It’s a bit much, right?...
One thing is for sure: we’ve never seen anything like it. The actions of this president and his administration are completely and utterly unprecedented. - - -
In an unprecedented move, the president chose to boost the inflation rate. That isn’t typically his job, although, i...
“[Scott] Pelley’s firing came after [Bari] Weiss dismissed several of his colleagues and hired a new 60 Minutes boss, Nick Bilton, whom Pelley then clashed with in a staff meeting. Pelley, along with a number of other 60 Minutes correspondents who were fired, have now accuse...
Today’s your lucky day, kid. I’m you from the future. I traveled back to 1955 to give you this sports almanac. It lists all the biggest sports events from now to the end of the century. All you have to do is bet on the winner, and you’ll never lose. You’re the fifth “me” I’v...
“Elon Musk has again weighed in on Christopher Nolan’s upcoming big-budget adaptation of The Odyssey, this time agreeing with a racist comment made by a far-right journalist who criticized the casting of Oscar-winning actor Lupita Nyong’o as Helen of Troy.” — The Hollywood R...
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