Winning trivia night at the bar you went to in college. - - -
Dance partner in a high-end pharmaceutical commercial. - - -
Social media influencer in the menopause space. - - -
Molly Ringwald look-alike contest. - - -
Selling vintage T-shirts from concerts you actually attended. - - -
Freelance music critic (mostly unpaid). - - -
Osteoporosis clinical trial patient. - - -
Lyft driver known for blasting “retro music” from the 1900s. - - -
Shoplift, because it’s not like anyone even notices you anymore.
Come closer, grandchild. Thanks for visiting me one last time before I die. I’ve lived a great life. I climbed Mt. Everest, founded a Fortune 500 company, and had six amazing children. But there’s one mistake that haunts me: not spending more of my life creating, entering, a...
Since 1988, we at Dippin’ Dots have proudly sold the official ice cream of the future. And ever since, we’ve been waiting for the future to arrive at Little League concession stands and any place that smells like popcorn and feet. But now that the future is here, we regret t...
“A federal agency has cancelled a $117,000 grant that was set to go to the Emily Dickinson Museum.” — MassLive - - -
Dear Miss Dickinson, Following a routine audit of publicly funded projects for ideological alignment, your grant for digitizing a newly cataloged collection o...
Great to see you again. Sorry for the wait. The last procedure went a little long. How are you feeling? Nervous? Ready to get this over with? Wondering about this hat? We should be ready to go soon; they’re just turning over the OR. I wanted to come out and say a quick hello...
Read the first installment, published during Trump’s first term. - - -
United States Department of Agriculture Ad salmonellam “Towards salmonella” Immigration and Customs Enforcement Perfugium profugorum “Refuge from refugees” Department of Education Omnes discipuli reliquun...
One of the things so compelling about Margaret Ross’s Saturday is her obsessive fidelity to a purity of description: “Beige clouds in a greenish sky / seen through cheap sunglasses.” To that, she adds an instability of syntax and line break that she makes into a thing of coo...
I’ve lived in this city for decades, but I’m noticing more and more problems. There’s crowding, congestion, changing people, tall buildings, and the biggest problem: This city is a literal city. I love living in a city, but I hate dealing with other people. I shouldn’t be su...
“Bruce Springsteen has spoken out against the White House again after President Donald Trump called him a ‘dried-out prune’ on social media. Speaking in Manchester, England, the musician criticized the government for the second time during his Land of Hopes and Dreams tour, ...
Hey team. It’s your CEO. I know your time is valuable, so I’ll cut right to the chase: It’s come to my attention that some of you have been bad-mouthing the Giant Plagiarism Machine. I’d like to remind you that our company policy is pro–Plagiarism Machine. We’re a tech-forwa...
Honey, before you race out the door, don’t forget your backpack and your lunch and your— Wait. Hold on a second. Back yourself right back in here. Are those Bermuda shorts? Don’t you lie to me. Those cuffs are at least an inch thick—you think I can’t see how many times you’v...
Hey Mum! Remember a couple of months before you died, when you told me the Freemasons had installed Pope Francis? And that he was in cahoots with Obama, who was the Antichrist? You waved your iPad at me, with the YouTube page open that laid it all out. And I said, kind of te...
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A quarterly column from Carrie Brownstein, who is better at dispensing advice than taking it - - -
Q: About a year ago, my friend asked me to start sharing my real-time location with her. At first, the layer of forced transparency made me anxious. What if I want to re...
Illustrations by Katie Gorman. - - -
What a glorious life I lead as the boon companion to a great hero! I am a noble steed, ready to leap into action at any moment should my hero call me. Tally-ho! Today, the hero left me standing on the edge of a cliff as he glided off wit...
“Republicans advance bill with steep cuts to Medicaid as part of Trump agenda.” —The Hill - - -
Quit complaining about Republicans’ proposed cuts to Medicaid. If you all stopped whining that low- and middle-income people deserve quality health care, you’d notice there are pl...
“The first group of White South African refugees arrived in the U.S. on Monday under President Trump’s executive order mandating they be prioritized for resettlement—even as the broader refugee program remains largely on hold.” —NPR - - -
1. Are you a victim of racial discr...
