You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
I stopped writing wh...
Sometimes you feel like a fist. Other times, you feel like the ashtray after a party no one invited you to. Both are fine. Just don’t throw the fist or eat the ashtray. - - -
You can cry. It doesn’t make you weak. It just means you are hydrated. - - -
Anger is a hot beast. P...
A lot has gone wrong under Donald Trump, but at least we narrowly avoided the catastrophe of a female president. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Kamala Harris. But it’s hard to imagine how any woman would have managed the unrelenting cascade of crises that have descended the esc...
Dearest Beloved, I received your missive of Thursday last with the greatest of gratitude, as I and my brave compatriots have five hours now awaited the orders to approach a moderately busy intersection in the shopping district of a mid-sized American city to confront a force...
From all of us here at Bank of Money, Happy Pride! Though if anyone asks, you didn’t hear that from us. We’re straight now. We know that may come as a surprise after the past ten years of emphasizing all the money we’ve donated to LGBTQIA+ orgs, taking up increasingly more s...
We in the theater world acknowledge that tickets to Broadway shows have become far too expensive. Thanks in part to A-listers pursuing the coveted T in their EGOT, producers have been able to price-gouge to new extremes, making theater inaccessible to most audiences. If you’...
“Last year, two mercurial billionaires formed a partnership and vowed to drive the country in a new direction. Donald Trump had the political power. Elon Musk had the money and social media might. But on Thursday, their union dissolved in remarkably public and rapid fashion,...
Bought a T-shirt with Sylvia Rivera’s face Spent $50 to hear heterosexuals sing at Pride Walked quickly past the unhoused Clutching my Telfar leaving my Tesla I’m not a capitalist just look at this mustache Touch on these muscles while I read Judith Butler I tell you Pride w...
The first movie ever made was released in 1887. That movie is called Air Bud, and it is about a dog who is good at passing a three-dimensional sphere through a two-dimensional hoop, which is illegal. When I found out how many movies there are, I got worried that watching so ...
“After losing big with men under 30 in the 2024 election, Democrats have spent $20 million on a program called ‘Speaking with American Men’ (SAM) to help figure out which ‘spaces’ they need to show up in to fare better with this demographic.” — MSNBC - - -
Sign all bills usi...
Travel is about meeting new people. My semester abroad taught me that if you travel halfway around the world, you can make friends with all sorts of people who go to the same college as you. Studying abroad showed me that Europeans have a real work-life balance. In a typical...
1. Relive these memories from this day seven years ago. 2. Make sure you pack an umbrella, it looks like it might rain this afternoon. 3. I’d leave a little early for Claire’s dance recital today. The rain will make traffic heavier than usual. 4. I’ve compiled a list of seve...
“The president remained steadfast in his novel interpretation of constitutional law.” “Faced with the choice between clinging to the letter of the law and marching to the beat of his own legal drum, the president chose the latter.” “The president’s solutions-focused approach...
My boyfriend and I met at a party hosted by a friend of a friend of mine and a friend of a friend of his. This is an anthropological event, an epochal miracle. He seemed like the kind of guy who would be on my Hinge Standouts (chiseled scruffy jaw, lean, “Greatest strength: ...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
My journey towards bowing to the feet of the Lord of Darkness has been a long one. I can’t be sure exactly where it began, if it was when I started using coconut flour to cut gluten out of my family’s diet, or if the seeds of demon worship were planted in me when I was forci...
“Republican Sen. Joni Ernst faced a number of agitated constituents at a town hall on Friday who expressed concerns that the Republicans’ cuts to Medicaid under their major legislative effort to advance President Donald Trump’s agenda would cause people to die. Her response:...
6:30 a.m. I awaken from sleep with the unparalleled energy of someone who has an entire school-sanctioned day to humiliate their offspring. 6:55 a.m. Peering into my closet, I select the skinniest jeans I own—seriously, I haven’t worn these since before my preteen was born. ...
“The term ‘TACO,’ short for Trump Always Chickens Out, has been used to describe how markets tumble on the president’s tariff threats, then rebound when he gives way.” – New York Times - - -
GRAPE - Gift Received, Announced Pardon Early PORK - Presidential Order Rewarding Kl...
The Desperado: They get a dreamy look in their eyes, then, before you know it, swoop in quick as a bandit and shove their tongue down your throat. The Zombie: Their lips are stiff and dead, and you want to whisper, “Pucker up, you lifeless weirdo,” but you can feel yourself ...
“A national psyche is loosened when someone is allowed to publicly flaunt the agreements we have all made with one another.” - - -
Crime, punishment, and the legacy of TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO’S failed coup. - - -
These were among the remarks delivered to the people of Trinidad ...
“The White House has been hearing out a chorus of ideas in recent weeks for persuading Americans to get married and have more children, an early sign that the Trump administration will embrace a new cultural agenda pushed by many of its allies on the right to reverse declini...
“After back-to-back explosions, SpaceX launched its mega rocket Starship again on Tuesday evening, but fell short of the main objectives when the spacecraft tumbled out of control and broke apart.” – PBS - - -
We at SpaceX would like to remind the losers who have been gleefu...
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was “accessorize.” I am equal parts holy relic and regional pageant tiara. I am crucifix and courtroom bling. I am a sacrament. I am a statement piece. I am forged of divine gold sourced from the sacred h...
STOP WRITING POEMS THAT ARE ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO READ A POEM THAT IS JUST ABOUT A TIME THAT YOU WERE ANGRY, SAD, OR HAPPY. YOU ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING. HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THOSE POEMS. “Plum Poem” Once, I looked in the fridge, And I saw that ...
Why would a fifty-five-year-old man try such a thing as Skittles POP’d Freeze Dried Candy, you might ask. I’ll tell you why. The grocery store was out of Nerds Very Berry Gummy Clusters, and a fiend needs his fix. We are in the midst of something like a golden age of candy t...
“Shy around strangers but will warm up” It will take six months for your friends to even realize you have a cat. They thought your apartment just smelled like that. “Treat motivated” You’ll never enjoy a bagel in peace again. Cats can have a little cream cheese, it’s fine....
Health experts say to wash your water bottle every day. I definitely do this, even if I can’t recall the last time I actually washed my water bottle. I must wash it so often, all my water-bottle-washing incidents blend together. It’s involuntary, like breathing. You wouldn’t...
“The Trump administration on Thursday said it would halt Harvard University’s ability to enroll international students, taking aim at a crucial funding source for the nation’s oldest and wealthiest college in a major escalation of the administration’s efforts to pressure the...
FEATURES: - TIES AROUND THE WAIST - POPULAR WITH GIRLS - DOUBLES AS A SUPERHERO CAPE FOR YOUR GENITALS
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In 1993, a music video played at the end of an episode of a sitcom I liked, featuring one of the show’s stars. The song was “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix” by Joey L...
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