Remember the summertime barbecues of childhood? Sunshine, sprinklers, the slurred speech of day-drunk parents? When, as kids, we’d eat potato chips and, alternately, drink lemonade? Delicious, but so inefficient. With a chip in one hand and a lemonade in the other, how did w...
Experience a heart attack while working in the herb garden. Wonder what its middle school bully is doing now. Show up to court in a white linen suit. Drape itself face down over an ottoman in a fit of ennui. Adjourn to the study for brandy and cigars. Yearn, long, or pine. S...
McSweeney’s
• Madeline Goetz and Yamini Nambimadom
For the most accurate total walk time, select all that apply. You are wearing sensible shoes -1 min You are wearing heels +6 min You are wearing heels (but you are Sarah Jessica Parker) -5 min You are over 5’10” -1 min You are under 5’2” and staging a protest against your lo...
“Through calculated chaos and spectacle, Trump distracts the media and public from the dangerous consequences of his agenda.” — Andrew Mitrovica, Al Jazeera - - -
Well, he finally did it. Controversial business magnate Lex Luthor has surrounded Earth with LexCorp satellites,...
The Misery Factory gets a bad wrap, especially among Millennials and Gen Z, but I’m not sure it’s warranted. It starts with a misunderstanding of what we do. Our slogan, “Ambition Without Vision,” begins to explain the type of work we’re tackling day after day. The core of o...
Before I blew out all seventy-two candles on my birthday cake this year, I made a wish. I wished for something that had been gnawing at my soul ever since I first received my AARP card. It was finally time to launch my political career. But a sobering thought struck me. Am I...
Don’t panic, America. Yes, we launched strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities. Yes, technically, that is an act of war. And yes, the rest of the world is currently googling “how to survive World War III.” But let’s all take a deep breath while the oxygen is still available to ...
“Vance says U.S. ‘not at war with Iran, we’re at war with Iran’s nuclear program.’” — NBC News - - -
You heard the news straight from the Neimoidian’s mouth. We, the Trade Federation, have indeed made tactical strikes against the planet of Naboo. We’ve heard through the gala...
Americans awoke this morning to the news that the United States military had [DROPPED BOMBS AND / OR CARRIED OUT DRONE STRIKES] on [WHATEVER COUNTRY WE’RE BOMBING / DRONE STRIKING THIS TIME]. President [GUY WHO HAS COMMITTED MULTIPLE WAR CRIMES], a [REPUBLICAN / DEMOCRAT], s...
Hiring a plumber without vetting them across multiple Facebook community forums Starting a movie after 9 p.m. Texting without your glasses Eating a Costco hot dog Celebrating the one-year anniversary of ignoring your car’s “check engine” light Sitting under the ceiling fan y...
There are numerous reasons why my wife and I decided to have kids, like learning what it means to be parents, and providing an idyllic childhood that we lacked ourselves. But none mattered as much as procreating so we could blow off our single friends, particularly Jeff. Whe...
- - -
FEATURES: Ceiling fans Nursery Sheer and unrelenting possibility
- - -
I thought we had come to the Home Depot to replace the metal numbers on my mother’s mailbox. But the problem we bring is not the problem we leave with. We walk down an aisle full of toilets, sink...
Gone are the days of storming the gates. In this new era of resistance, we A/B test the gates, analyze the bounce rate of our demands, and push our uprising to GitHub for feedback. Yes, the revolution is here. No, it is not televised. It’s currently available as a limited-ac...
It’s me, your body, the one you’ve inhabited for thirty-plus years. I refuse to say exactly how many, because, as of today, keeping a precise count for you is no longer in my purview. Due to your blatant disregard for my efforts, I won’t be performing any further Sisyphean s...
1. Trump announces on Truth Social that he will solve the crisis in one day, and this will win him the Nobel Peace Prize. 2. Trump accidentally says, out of habit, that this war “never would have started if I were president.” Then he remembers he’s currently the president, b...
1. Trump announces on Truth Social that he will solve the crisis in one day, and this will win him the Nobel Peace Prize. 2. Trump accidentally says, out of habit, that this war “never would have started if I were president.” Then he remembers he’s currently the president, b...
“Cuomo holds his lead one week before primary day, as voters express unease with city’s direction.” — The Manhattan Institute - - -
In case you haven’t heard: I’m running for mayor. I have a vision for our city that focuses on improving the lives of working people. However, ...
- - -
The first career-spanning book from Bay Area artist Tucker Nichols, Mostly Everything: The Art of Tucker Nichols attempts to capture, in one extravagant volume, decades of the artist’s varied work, from drawings with words, drawings without words, paintings, and sculp...
CHAIR: This meeting will come to order. Will the secretary please call roll. SECRETARY: Single Unit Homes? SUH: Here. SECRETARY: Duplexes? DUPLEXES: Here here. SECRETARY: Triplexes? TRIPLEXES: Here here here. SECRETARY: Mom and Pops? M&P: Oh yeah, present. SECRETARY: Con...
Looking forward to your golden years, but afraid you’ll never be able to afford it? Our state-of-the-art facility offers elderly corporate drones the comfort of a living space with the same lack of character as an office cubicle. Be surrounded by like-minded residents like y...
A large pot sits in plain sight. There’s a frog in it. Every day, Leader announces his plans to boil the frog. His campaign slogan was “BOIL THAT FROG.” He has already made at least one run on the stove. A man stirs the pot with a large stick. “It’s a metaphor,” he says. The...
“The leaders of the Group of 7 nations—Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan and the United States—now will have to confront the fallout from another war in the Middle East: increased instability, surging oil prices and the possibility that Iran will respond with ne...
Listen up, soup for brains. Yesterday, you were just a man. But today, a doctor snipped the umbilical cord off an angry, gray alien with your name on it. And whether it was your wife, your girlfriend, or some other remarkable woman that just heave-ho’ed a pineapple out of he...
McSweeney’s
• Wendi Aarons, Ali Solomon, and Linda Wolff
Three visits to Magic Jewelry, a small shop in Manhattan’s Chinatown, where spectral photographs reveal something more than aura color. - - -
Today we live in the Great Vibes epoch. Inherent yet ephemeral, vibes are difficult to measure. They’re the perfect concept for a pe...
Gentlemen, I want answers. Our quarterly earnings are in the garbage, and I expect one of you overpaid three-martini-lunch layabouts to have a good explanation why my family’s home-decor company is bleeding money like a physician of high standing using proper, modern medical...
Look, I get it. I’ve been in this game a long time, okay? I managed political campaigns on both sides of the aisle, and very nearly won some of them. I get paid more than the combined salaries of an entire elementary school’s faculty to write a weekly diary entry for a natio...
“President Donald Trump is celebrating the Army’s 250th anniversary—and his own 79th birthday—with a massive, multimillion-dollar military parade Saturday in Washington.” — Politico - - -
Dear neighbors, It’s been a long time since my birthday. Almost a year, in fact. That’s...
As our guest, please feel free to help yourself to anything. I didn’t run to the store before your arrival, because as you can see, my pantry is overflowing with foodstuffs. Oh, crackers? An excellent appetizer choice. Those go really well with this jar of local strawberry j...
“The Pentagon significantly escalated the federal response to the immigration enforcement protests in Los Angeles on Monday, mobilizing a battalion of 700 Marines and doubling the number of California National Guard troops in what officials described as a limited mission to ...
Subscribe
