Welcome, soft idiot. You’ve been issued a Human Body, the most fragile, overpromised, poorly updated model in the known universe. It arrives preloaded with ten to fourteen irrational fears, a vague longing for something you can’t name, and knees made of soup. Please review t...
1. Thirteen-year-olds work unsupervised in ninety-degree heat. 2. The water contains disturbingly high levels of mercury and pee. 3. Strictest workplace safety regulation: NO RUNNING sign. 4. Its leader stars in garish commercials that wake you up at 3 a.m., and his eyes fol...
JADEN, COLLEGE STUDENT: “It was second semester senior year. I was quietly chatting with classmates before our French literature exam. That’s when an older woman, like, much older, busted into the lecture hall.” CHLOE, COLLEGE STUDENT: “We all jumped. No one knew who she was...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
To our valued customers, For decades, we have provided you with top-quality care. Or, when we don’t want to provide you with care, we provide top-quality explanations as to why you aren’t entitled to it. Customers often express frustration with our company, as these denials ...
“After two incredible years, I’ve decided to step down as CEO of 𝕏.” — Linda Yaccarino, in a X post announcing her resignation from the social media platform. - - -
When I was first offered the chance to take over Murder House—back when it was still called Bellwether Manor—t...
“We watch not because of the animals’ beauty alone, or because of what we learn from watching, but because the webcam—like a memento mori—trains our attention on the now.” - - -
DISCUSSED: Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute; Front Royal, Virginia; Cheetah Cub Cam; N...
Okay, we’re just going to come right out and say it: We mistook your grandmother for another patient and brought her in for surgery this morning. This happens from time to time. Thankfully, the surgery went well. Still, we think it’s important to be as transparent as possibl...
Hold up! I know what ur thinking. A law firm sliding into my DMs? Basic AF. Well, we might be a law firm, but we are bussin. No cap! Fr fr. So, I know a lot of y’all out there fw MrBeast. Str8 up a lot of folx do. Or did. Maybe u even did some gig work for bruh. Maybe u even...
“Trump’s Medicaid cuts are coming for rural Americans: ‘It’s going to have to hit them first.’ Experts worry the tax-and-spending bill will gut healthcare and hospitals, especially in states like North Carolina.” — The Guardian - - -
The Department of Health and Human Servic...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
Before 2013, no...
Nirvana “The Spirit of People Aged Twenty and Older Is Odorless” The Cure “I’m Not in Love, Which Is How I Know Today Isn’t Friday” Bruce Springsteen “Do You Know What It’s Like to Be Someone Who Isn’t on Fire? Because I Don’t” Beastie Boys “Pacifists Abdicate Their Right to...
“Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem slammed the ‘ancient system’ used to warn the public of potential weather threats — and vowed the Trump administration plans to ‘fix’ the technology… Sitting next to Gov. Greg Abbott, Noem was asked why the National Weather Service’s ...
Thank you for coming to my press conference. Many people describe the Caldecott Honor–winning tome by Robert McCloskey, which recounts my harrowing tale, with words like “precious” and “adorable.” Truth is, inadvertently switching places with a bear cub and almost being rais...
If Zohran Mamdani does the inevitable and becomes mayor, and if he avoids deportation for committing the most tell-tale sign of a communist—using your hands to eat chicken over rice—New Yorkers might experience a cultural shift not seen since Jay-Z and Alicia Keys convinced ...
Starting later this year, all American women will be required to have a Government-Assigned Life Coach (GALC) in order to maintain US citizenship. According to America’s top scientists, Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan, women’s independent thinking has been officially declared ...
Here at PepsiCo, we take pride in our family of beloved brands, which are enjoyed by billions of consumers all over the world. As evidenced by our numerous corporate-responsibility initiatives, we take our obligations to society seriously, which is why we are writing today t...
Sure, our health care, environment, and economy all hang in the balance of some two hundred mostly unpopular, mostly white men. And yeah, by Friday, it might be too late to reverse this last push to plunge our country into darkness. But we’re the news, baby, and that shit’s ...
I saw you this morning as you were getting your paper, gazing wistfully at that flagpole bracket like it broke your heart in junior year. You want to hang an American flag. It’s summer. Citronella. Popsicles. It’s natural to feel the tug of the stars and stripes. But what if...
As the country’s most recommended brand-name plaque psoriasis treatment,1 Skyrizi takes any claim of increased irritation due to exposure to our patented, extensive, and deeply trialed2 award-winning advertising3 very seriously. In addition to increased risk of heart disease...
Oh, come on. ICE’s new detention center, Alligator Alcatraz, is nothing like a concentration camp. For one thing, historians unanimously agree that Nazis never used alligator-infested moats. Maybe things would have been different if they had access to a bunch of crocodiles, ...
“Wall Street shivers over ‘hot commie summer’ after Mamdani’s success… When Zohran Mamdani, a 33-year-old self-described socialist, won New York’s mayoral Democratic nomination last week over a seasoned but scandal-scarred veteran, the city’s financial elite had a meltdown.”...
I just had a tour of your newly renovated theme park. I hate to be that guy, but I just want to mention that, while you refer to your destination as a theme park, it would be more accurate to describe it as a motif park. See, a theme is the central subject your experience is...
McSweeney’s
• Kerry Elson, Miriam Jayaratna, and Ali Solomon
A pedestrian “safety island” Enjoy lounging on this six-foot urban oasis of grass, cement, and paper plates stained with sunset-hued pizza grease. The line outside Clinton Street Baking Company Instead of standing for forty-five minutes in the sun, why not sit? Just rememb...
“Parents with religious objections to storybooks with LGBTQ. themes may withdraw their children from public schools when the books are discussed, the Supreme Court ruled on Friday.” — New York Times - - -
Once upon a time, I never got involved in politics. But when the devel...
So there I was, minding my own business, when, for some inexplicable reason, I found myself idly thinking about the fall of the Romanov dynasty. For the life of me, I can’t tell you what led me to reflect on the moment when Nicholas II lost control over a once-burgeoning emp...
The difficulties of procuring water and power in Karachi, Pakistan, where surging temperatures have strained the city’s resources, and much more. - - -
DISCUSSED: Underground Water Tanks, Envy, Climate-Influenced Mood Disorders, A Widow’s Home, Dawn, Urban Heat Islands, Na...
This is what it’s all about. The crack of the bat. The crisp summer air. The camaraderie of old friends on a beautiful new day. These are all experiences I can’t wait to enjoy for myself as soon as I’m done waiting in line for a fourteen-dollar hot dog. You can feel the triu...
Your biggest mistake wasn’t forgetting that we have feelings (and social media accounts) of our own. Your biggest mistake, in posting “All Disney’s good for these days is a live action slog and a CGI clusterfuck,” was thinking that we’re too cute and wholesome to retaliate. ...
Dear Everyone Telling My Daughters They Can Be Anything They Want, Please stop. I agree with you in spirit, but telling my five and four-year-old daughters they can be anything they want only gets their hopes up, which you’re forcing me to dash. I’m already the bad guy at be...
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