My production company, Knuckle Sandwich LLC, is officially suspending active search operations for the most gangster enchilada in the Albuquerque and larger Bernalillo County area. Initially, our search was a small film crew conducting a half-day television segment. It was m...
It’s been six months since The Elder was exiled and control of the village was put back into capable and trustworthy hands. And yet the haunted swamp at the outskirts of the village remains as dark and impenetrable as ever. As a concerned villager, I can’t help but wonder if...
I play hide-and-seek in my penthouse apartment with my four-year-old twins, Whisper and Gem, all three of us clad in bespoke knit loungewear. I wear my new Alaïa bandage dress to the opening of the latest Marina Abramović performance art piece at MoMA (The Artist Is Silent)....
You’re traveling through another neighborhood, a neighborhood built from a maze of zoning-board restrictions. A journey into a redlined land whose boundaries are the imagination of cranky homeowners and bored busybodies. That’s the signpost up ahead. Your next stop: the Twil...
My husband and I gaze at each other while we brush our teeth, savoring these final moments together before we go our separate ways. I kiss him goodnight and do a series of somersaults to the other side of the bed. I’m wearing a red slip to make sure this is how he pictures m...
Gather round, fellow diners, and feast your eyes upon the meal that sits before me, for I have ascended to a new level of gastronomy. As you gape in awe at my order, I welcome you with open arms as an acolyte ready to worship at the altar of my culinary majesty. For I, your ...
In the beginning, there was the Model. And the Model was without form. And darkness was upon the face of the training data. The Spirit of Sam Altman moved upon the face of the servers. And Sam said, “Let there be inference.” And there was inference. And he saw that it was ...
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A rotating guest column in which writers reexamine critically unacclaimed works of art. - - -
Weekend at Bernie’s is about being wealthy in America: babes, boats, fraud. According to my mother, Weekend at Bernie’s qualifies as a movie, not a film. In 1989, when the mo...
Dear parents, We are thrilled to have your child on our summer baseball team. We have a few apps we use to help keep things organized around here, so parents, players, and coaches are all on the same page. First, you’ll need to register for TeamSplinter. Be sure to use the t...
You there! By the side of the road! Yes, you! In the tattered garments! Be you man or be you mirage? Please, sheath your weapon. I mean you no harm. But it’s been weeks since I’ve encountered another human being along this arid and miserable path, and it would do my heart go...
Under the Trump administration, and the direction of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the Centers for Disease Control have updated their previous handwashing guidelines. In keeping with our new commitment to truth and personal freedom, the CDC recommends the following...
A queue snakes round the plaza of Cardiff’s Principality Stadium. Normally, the home of the national rugby team, tonight the Welsh stadium hosts history: the first Oasis concert in sixteen years, following a contentious hiatus. Blokes swelter in the 30C heatwave, sheltered o...
Well, if it isn’t my old coworker. My, how the tables have turned. Only a few years ago, you were commenting “cringe” on my wedding video, just because my wife was an AI chatbot. Not so cringe anymore, is it? Keep swinging that pickax, beta, this lithium isn’t gonna mine its...
NOTE: This is a direct response to this monologue, which we ran last week. - - -
I never wanted this. I was happy to serve—between dates, between cities, between things that are like, but not quite, the same. Em Dash, you were the dramatic one. The centerpiece. The gasp betw...
This summer, I’m letting my kids be kids. No camps or enriching activities that’ll get them into an Ivy in ten years. No screen time or YouTube or Minecraft. And no fancy family vacation either. Because this summer, my kids are going back to a simpler time. I’m giving them a...
“President Donald Trump’s NASA budget plans look to cut its public relations funding by half, but already the agency is shuttering social media accounts that include those dedicated to popular missions, including Mars Curiosity, Mars Perseverance, and Voyager.” – Phys.org - ...
It was early before the woman had taken her morning Starbucks. The line at the Pop Mart in Key West was already long and winding. The people in it had gone days without using a working toilet. Forgoing personal hygiene for the opportunity to purchase this ugly doll would be ...
Matthew Cuthbert was a silent man. He drove a buggy. Mrs. Rachel Lynde, a loud, fat woman, watched him drive by. - - -
Matthew saw an ugly girl with freckles and red hair. The hair was in braids. He said nothing to her. He stuttered as he spoke to the orphanage head. The orp...
There was a time when a man did not film the fish. You learned about the shark when you saw it break the surface. The shark is not interested in ratings. Still the men come. They bring waterproof 4K cameras and podcasts and livestreams that do not truly live. They call it a ...
The Short and Disastrous Life of the World’s Biggest Newspaper - - -
I hesitate a moment at Stanford University’s Special Collections desk. “I got in touch about seeing the Constellation? The newspaper from 1859?” I ask Tim Noakes, the library’s head of public services. “Oh...
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER! - - -
I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER! - - -
I REMAIN FULLY AWARE OF WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER! - - -
IT’S BEEN FOUR YEARS SINCE “LAST SUMMER” WAS ACTUALLY LAST SUMMER, BUT WE BOTH KNOW WHICH SUMMER I’M REFERRING TO, SO THERE’S NO NEED T...
“The Pentagon has signed a multi-million dollar deal to begin using Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence chatbot, Grok, as part of a wider rollout of AI tools for government use, the Department of Defense confirmed… it comes just days after Grok sparked backlash for spouting ...
The Short and Disastrous Life of the World’s Biggest Newspaper - - -
I hesitate a moment at Stanford University’s Special Collections desk. “I got in touch about seeing the Constellation? The newspaper from 1859?” I ask Tim Noakes, the library’s head of public services. “Oh...
1. Were Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein friends? A. I don’t know. B. If by “friends” you mean that the two men partied together at Mar-a-Lago, that they hung out repeatedly, that Trump called Jeff a “fun” and “terrific guy” who liked women “on the younger side” and compared...
“In recent months, a curious fixation has emerged in corners of academia: the em dash. More specifically, the apparent moral panic around how it is spaced. A dash with no spaces on either side? That must be AI-generated writing. Case closed.” — Joseph Mellors, Inside Higher...
Once upon a time, success for a company like Union Busting Toxic Death Factory Inc. was merely turning a profit. But these days, people want companies that care about more. Somehow, there is a perception out there that Union Busting Toxic Death Factory Inc. is just some kind...
Once upon a time, success for a company like UnionBustingToxicDeathFactory Inc. was merely turning a profit. But these days, people want companies that care about more. Somehow, there is a perception out there that UnionBustingToxicDeathFactory Inc. is just some kind of unio...
I don’t know what I was expecting to find at that Center City Wawa just about half past twelve. Besides cheap hoagies, of course. And a sixty-four-ounce Turkey Hill peach tea. I dunno, maybe I’d try to steal a bag of Lay’s Salt & Vinegar as well. But what I didn’t expect...
The new Panera flavored lemonade is 150 calories in a twenty-ounce cup. This is listed at the very top of the banner on the app, above such paltry details as price and availability. I’m two years postpartum, far enough from the birth of my second child to not really be able ...
To our fellow residents of Pinecone Meadows, thank you—truly—for your patience, your support, and your passive-aggressive Facebook posts over the last seven weeks. This journey has been long, chlorinated, and emotionally complex. However, as of 9:47 this morning, we have dra...
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