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The first career-spanning book from Bay Area artist Tucker Nichols, Mostly Everything: The Art of Tucker Nichols attempts to capture, in one extravagant volume, decades of the artist’s varied work, from drawings with words, drawings without words, paintings, and sculp...
CHAIR: This meeting will come to order. Will the secretary please call roll. SECRETARY: Single Unit Homes? SUH: Here. SECRETARY: Duplexes? DUPLEXES: Here here. SECRETARY: Triplexes? TRIPLEXES: Here here here. SECRETARY: Mom and Pops? M&P: Oh yeah, present. SECRETARY: Con...
Looking forward to your golden years, but afraid you’ll never be able to afford it? Our state-of-the-art facility offers elderly corporate drones the comfort of a living space with the same lack of character as an office cubicle. Be surrounded by like-minded residents like y...
A large pot sits in plain sight. There’s a frog in it. Every day, Leader announces his plans to boil the frog. His campaign slogan was “BOIL THAT FROG.” He has already made at least one run on the stove. A man stirs the pot with a large stick. “It’s a metaphor,” he says. The...
“The leaders of the Group of 7 nations—Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan and the United States—now will have to confront the fallout from another war in the Middle East: increased instability, surging oil prices and the possibility that Iran will respond with ne...
Listen up, soup for brains. Yesterday, you were just a man. But today, a doctor snipped the umbilical cord off an angry, gray alien with your name on it. And whether it was your wife, your girlfriend, or some other remarkable woman that just heave-ho’ed a pineapple out of he...
McSweeney’s
• Wendi Aarons, Ali Solomon, and Linda Wolff
Three visits to Magic Jewelry, a small shop in Manhattan’s Chinatown, where spectral photographs reveal something more than aura color. - - -
Today we live in the Great Vibes epoch. Inherent yet ephemeral, vibes are difficult to measure. They’re the perfect concept for a pe...
Gentlemen, I want answers. Our quarterly earnings are in the garbage, and I expect one of you overpaid three-martini-lunch layabouts to have a good explanation why my family’s home-decor company is bleeding money like a physician of high standing using proper, modern medical...
Look, I get it. I’ve been in this game a long time, okay? I managed political campaigns on both sides of the aisle, and very nearly won some of them. I get paid more than the combined salaries of an entire elementary school’s faculty to write a weekly diary entry for a natio...
“President Donald Trump is celebrating the Army’s 250th anniversary—and his own 79th birthday—with a massive, multimillion-dollar military parade Saturday in Washington.” — Politico - - -
Dear neighbors, It’s been a long time since my birthday. Almost a year, in fact. That’s...
As our guest, please feel free to help yourself to anything. I didn’t run to the store before your arrival, because as you can see, my pantry is overflowing with foodstuffs. Oh, crackers? An excellent appetizer choice. Those go really well with this jar of local strawberry j...
“The Pentagon significantly escalated the federal response to the immigration enforcement protests in Los Angeles on Monday, mobilizing a battalion of 700 Marines and doubling the number of California National Guard troops in what officials described as a limited mission to ...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
I stopped writing wh...
Sometimes you feel like a fist. Other times, you feel like the ashtray after a party no one invited you to. Both are fine. Just don’t throw the fist or eat the ashtray. - - -
You can cry. It doesn’t make you weak. It just means you are hydrated. - - -
Anger is a hot beast. P...
A lot has gone wrong under Donald Trump, but at least we narrowly avoided the catastrophe of a female president. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Kamala Harris. But it’s hard to imagine how any woman would have managed the unrelenting cascade of crises that have descended the esc...
Dearest Beloved, I received your missive of Thursday last with the greatest of gratitude, as I and my brave compatriots have five hours now awaited the orders to approach a moderately busy intersection in the shopping district of a mid-sized American city to confront a force...
From all of us here at Bank of Money, Happy Pride! Though if anyone asks, you didn’t hear that from us. We’re straight now. We know that may come as a surprise after the past ten years of emphasizing all the money we’ve donated to LGBTQIA+ orgs, taking up increasingly more s...
We in the theater world acknowledge that tickets to Broadway shows have become far too expensive. Thanks in part to A-listers pursuing the coveted T in their EGOT, producers have been able to price-gouge to new extremes, making theater inaccessible to most audiences. If you’...
“Last year, two mercurial billionaires formed a partnership and vowed to drive the country in a new direction. Donald Trump had the political power. Elon Musk had the money and social media might. But on Thursday, their union dissolved in remarkably public and rapid fashion,...
Bought a T-shirt with Sylvia Rivera’s face Spent $50 to hear heterosexuals sing at Pride Walked quickly past the unhoused Clutching my Telfar leaving my Tesla I’m not a capitalist just look at this mustache Touch on these muscles while I read Judith Butler I tell you Pride w...
The first movie ever made was released in 1887. That movie is called Air Bud, and it is about a dog who is good at passing a three-dimensional sphere through a two-dimensional hoop, which is illegal. When I found out how many movies there are, I got worried that watching so ...
“After losing big with men under 30 in the 2024 election, Democrats have spent $20 million on a program called ‘Speaking with American Men’ (SAM) to help figure out which ‘spaces’ they need to show up in to fare better with this demographic.” — MSNBC - - -
Sign all bills usi...
Travel is about meeting new people. My semester abroad taught me that if you travel halfway around the world, you can make friends with all sorts of people who go to the same college as you. Studying abroad showed me that Europeans have a real work-life balance. In a typical...
1. Relive these memories from this day seven years ago. 2. Make sure you pack an umbrella, it looks like it might rain this afternoon. 3. I’d leave a little early for Claire’s dance recital today. The rain will make traffic heavier than usual. 4. I’ve compiled a list of seve...
“The president remained steadfast in his novel interpretation of constitutional law.” “Faced with the choice between clinging to the letter of the law and marching to the beat of his own legal drum, the president chose the latter.” “The president’s solutions-focused approach...
My boyfriend and I met at a party hosted by a friend of a friend of mine and a friend of a friend of his. This is an anthropological event, an epochal miracle. He seemed like the kind of guy who would be on my Hinge Standouts (chiseled scruffy jaw, lean, “Greatest strength: ...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
My journey towards bowing to the feet of the Lord of Darkness has been a long one. I can’t be sure exactly where it began, if it was when I started using coconut flour to cut gluten out of my family’s diet, or if the seeds of demon worship were planted in me when I was forci...
“Republican Sen. Joni Ernst faced a number of agitated constituents at a town hall on Friday who expressed concerns that the Republicans’ cuts to Medicaid under their major legislative effort to advance President Donald Trump’s agenda would cause people to die. Her response:...
