Sure, our health care, environment, and economy all hang in the balance of some two hundred mostly unpopular, mostly white men. And yeah, by Friday, it might be too late to reverse this last push to plunge our country into darkness. But we’re the news, baby, and that shit’s ...
I saw you this morning as you were getting your paper, gazing wistfully at that flagpole bracket like it broke your heart in junior year. You want to hang an American flag. It’s summer. Citronella. Popsicles. It’s natural to feel the tug of the stars and stripes. But what if...
As the country’s most recommended brand-name plaque psoriasis treatment,1 Skyrizi takes any claim of increased irritation due to exposure to our patented, extensive, and deeply trialed2 award-winning advertising3 very seriously. In addition to increased risk of heart disease...
Oh, come on. ICE’s new detention center, Alligator Alcatraz, is nothing like a concentration camp. For one thing, historians unanimously agree that Nazis never used alligator-infested moats. Maybe things would have been different if they had access to a bunch of crocodiles, ...
“Wall Street shivers over ‘hot commie summer’ after Mamdani’s success… When Zohran Mamdani, a 33-year-old self-described socialist, won New York’s mayoral Democratic nomination last week over a seasoned but scandal-scarred veteran, the city’s financial elite had a meltdown.”...
I just had a tour of your newly renovated theme park. I hate to be that guy, but I just want to mention that, while you refer to your destination as a theme park, it would be more accurate to describe it as a motif park. See, a theme is the central subject your experience is...
McSweeney’s
• Kerry Elson, Miriam Jayaratna, and Ali Solomon
A pedestrian “safety island” Enjoy lounging on this six-foot urban oasis of grass, cement, and paper plates stained with sunset-hued pizza grease. The line outside Clinton Street Baking Company Instead of standing for forty-five minutes in the sun, why not sit? Just rememb...
“Parents with religious objections to storybooks with LGBTQ. themes may withdraw their children from public schools when the books are discussed, the Supreme Court ruled on Friday.” — New York Times - - -
Once upon a time, I never got involved in politics. But when the devel...
So there I was, minding my own business, when, for some inexplicable reason, I found myself idly thinking about the fall of the Romanov dynasty. For the life of me, I can’t tell you what led me to reflect on the moment when Nicholas II lost control over a once-burgeoning emp...
The difficulties of procuring water and power in Karachi, Pakistan, where surging temperatures have strained the city’s resources, and much more. - - -
DISCUSSED: Underground Water Tanks, Envy, Climate-Influenced Mood Disorders, A Widow’s Home, Dawn, Urban Heat Islands, Na...
This is what it’s all about. The crack of the bat. The crisp summer air. The camaraderie of old friends on a beautiful new day. These are all experiences I can’t wait to enjoy for myself as soon as I’m done waiting in line for a fourteen-dollar hot dog. You can feel the triu...
Your biggest mistake wasn’t forgetting that we have feelings (and social media accounts) of our own. Your biggest mistake, in posting “All Disney’s good for these days is a live action slog and a CGI clusterfuck,” was thinking that we’re too cute and wholesome to retaliate. ...
Dear Everyone Telling My Daughters They Can Be Anything They Want, Please stop. I agree with you in spirit, but telling my five and four-year-old daughters they can be anything they want only gets their hopes up, which you’re forcing me to dash. I’m already the bad guy at be...
Remember the summertime barbecues of childhood? Sunshine, sprinklers, the slurred speech of day-drunk parents? When, as kids, we’d eat potato chips and, alternately, drink lemonade? Delicious, but so inefficient. With a chip in one hand and a lemonade in the other, how did w...
Experience a heart attack while working in the herb garden. Wonder what its middle school bully is doing now. Show up to court in a white linen suit. Drape itself face down over an ottoman in a fit of ennui. Adjourn to the study for brandy and cigars. Yearn, long, or pine. S...
McSweeney’s
• Madeline Goetz and Yamini Nambimadom
For the most accurate total walk time, select all that apply. You are wearing sensible shoes -1 min You are wearing heels +6 min You are wearing heels (but you are Sarah Jessica Parker) -5 min You are over 5’10” -1 min You are under 5’2” and staging a protest against your lo...
“Through calculated chaos and spectacle, Trump distracts the media and public from the dangerous consequences of his agenda.” — Andrew Mitrovica, Al Jazeera - - -
Well, he finally did it. Controversial business magnate Lex Luthor has surrounded Earth with LexCorp satellites,...
The Misery Factory gets a bad wrap, especially among Millennials and Gen Z, but I’m not sure it’s warranted. It starts with a misunderstanding of what we do. Our slogan, “Ambition Without Vision,” begins to explain the type of work we’re tackling day after day. The core of o...
Before I blew out all seventy-two candles on my birthday cake this year, I made a wish. I wished for something that had been gnawing at my soul ever since I first received my AARP card. It was finally time to launch my political career. But a sobering thought struck me. Am I...
Don’t panic, America. Yes, we launched strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities. Yes, technically, that is an act of war. And yes, the rest of the world is currently googling “how to survive World War III.” But let’s all take a deep breath while the oxygen is still available to ...
“Vance says U.S. ‘not at war with Iran, we’re at war with Iran’s nuclear program.’” — NBC News - - -
You heard the news straight from the Neimoidian’s mouth. We, the Trade Federation, have indeed made tactical strikes against the planet of Naboo. We’ve heard through the gala...
Americans awoke this morning to the news that the United States military had [DROPPED BOMBS AND / OR CARRIED OUT DRONE STRIKES] on [WHATEVER COUNTRY WE’RE BOMBING / DRONE STRIKING THIS TIME]. President [GUY WHO HAS COMMITTED MULTIPLE WAR CRIMES], a [REPUBLICAN / DEMOCRAT], s...
Hiring a plumber without vetting them across multiple Facebook community forums Starting a movie after 9 p.m. Texting without your glasses Eating a Costco hot dog Celebrating the one-year anniversary of ignoring your car’s “check engine” light Sitting under the ceiling fan y...
There are numerous reasons why my wife and I decided to have kids, like learning what it means to be parents, and providing an idyllic childhood that we lacked ourselves. But none mattered as much as procreating so we could blow off our single friends, particularly Jeff. Whe...
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FEATURES: Ceiling fans Nursery Sheer and unrelenting possibility
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I thought we had come to the Home Depot to replace the metal numbers on my mother’s mailbox. But the problem we bring is not the problem we leave with. We walk down an aisle full of toilets, sink...
Gone are the days of storming the gates. In this new era of resistance, we A/B test the gates, analyze the bounce rate of our demands, and push our uprising to GitHub for feedback. Yes, the revolution is here. No, it is not televised. It’s currently available as a limited-ac...
It’s me, your body, the one you’ve inhabited for thirty-plus years. I refuse to say exactly how many, because, as of today, keeping a precise count for you is no longer in my purview. Due to your blatant disregard for my efforts, I won’t be performing any further Sisyphean s...
1. Trump announces on Truth Social that he will solve the crisis in one day, and this will win him the Nobel Peace Prize. 2. Trump accidentally says, out of habit, that this war “never would have started if I were president.” Then he remembers he’s currently the president, b...
1. Trump announces on Truth Social that he will solve the crisis in one day, and this will win him the Nobel Peace Prize. 2. Trump accidentally says, out of habit, that this war “never would have started if I were president.” Then he remembers he’s currently the president, b...
“Cuomo holds his lead one week before primary day, as voters express unease with city’s direction.” — The Manhattan Institute - - -
In case you haven’t heard: I’m running for mayor. I have a vision for our city that focuses on improving the lives of working people. However, ...
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