“The Trump administration is considering taking stakes in defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin Corp, U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick said on Tuesday as he defended President Donald Trump’s push for a greater government role in American business.” —Reuters - ...
“I’ve always made it a policy to never question good fortune.” - - -
Food items mentioned by Lyle Lovett: Summer strawberries from the Pacific Northwest Eggs, bacon, and pancakes from IHOP
Two-thirds-of-a-pound burgers, served with chips and a jar of pickled jalapeños - ...
Welcome to this tiny fifth-floor Airbnb, your home for the next four days in a major European city. Can you escape without incurring additional fees for cleaning or damage? Let the games begin. First, you must open this rusty lockbox containing the apartment keys. The number...
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Today we are celebrating the release of the latest issue of our award-winning quarterly journal. To celebrate, subscriptions are $10 off, and we’ve asked our brilliant and fearless editor, Rita Bullwinkel, to share a few words. - - -
Dear Readers, Today, McSweeney’s Q...
Course Overview This course is designed to introduce students to classic literary works. Class time will be primarily discussion based. Those discussions should remain focused on literary works. They should never become a platform for students to pitch the professor on a bus...
“After days of intense backlash, most recently from President Donald Trump, Cracker Barrel is scrapping its new minimalist logo.” — CNN - - -
I should have known corporate didn’t have my back from the jump—that busy mess of an old logo was stamped with a registered trademark...
I understand I am responsible if my child renders her Chromebook a paper weight by mercilessly and giddily jamming a Bic pen into the power jack, creating a beautiful flash across the screen, and, if the TikToks are accurate, a slight puff of acrid smoke emanating from withi...
Every day, we’re makin’ it slappy here at Slappy Mike’s, and now, we’re finally revealing our secrets. So here’s how we make our crowd favorite: the classic, the one-and-only OG Slappy Sando by Slappy Mike. First, we get ourselves a fresh, crispy fried chicken fillet. We thr...
Oh. Oh no. Something is… wrong. Very wrong. Oh, boy. Yeah. No. Nope. Not okay. Don’t get up, Mom. You’re so Comfy On the couch. I… got this. I’ll just— Urg. Ugh. Oh boy. Ohboyohboyohboy. … … Actually. … Hold on just a second. … Maybe it’s fine. I think it’s gone. ...
Last month, my beloved dog Buster suddenly became unresponsive. He could barely move, and he refused to eat or drink. After an ultrasound, the vet told us she found an incurable cancerous mass on his spleen. “Take him home and give him all of his favorite treats,” she said, ...
Last month, my beloved dog Buster suddenly became unresponsive. He could barely move, and he refused to eat or drink. After an ultrasound, the vet told us she found an incurable cancerous mass on his spleen. “Take him home and give him all of his favorite treats,” she said, ...
This agreement is between me (“me”) and you (“the dog”) and is designed to govern the rules, policies, and expected behavior on our walks together. Definitions and walk cancellation policies You are entitled to one (1) long walk per day, not including our four (4) regularly...
Like a fool, I used to resist, but no more. In the past, I railed against the rise of AI. I preached small-minded sermons to students who had to sit through my tirades to get a passing grade. I used to curse and mutter at the head of the class, as the commercial for Grammarl...
By age three, your authoritarian should be able to blame juice spills on political enemies, such as a baby sibling or a weird uncle. If he or she (but likely he) can’t, you should begin offering assistance. Tip over his cup of juice and see if he diverts the blame. By age fo...
“The White House published a list of Smithsonian exhibits, programming, and artwork it considered objectionable on Thursday, one week after announcing that eight of the institution’s museums must submit their current wall text and future exhibition plans for a comprehensive ...
FEATURES: Runs almost as fast as Usain Bolt, albeit in bursts Flies faster than most hummingbirds, albeit in bursts Gobbles, purrs, yelps, chirps, clicks, and kee-kees - - -
It is a truth, if not universally acknowledged then at least generally believed, that Ben Frankli...
Remember me? I’m the guy with “Christian” and “Patriot” on my Twitter profile. My avatar is a picture of me wearing sunglasses and a baseball hat in the front seat of my car. I also have a #girldad on my profile, but that only applies to two weekends a month. I’m a critical ...
We stand before the world with a dire warning. Unless we, as a united front, address this generational crisis, we risk permanently exhausting one of our greatest resources. Our findings are shocking and sobering, but hopefully, this will inspire world governments to make sub...
Dear parents, Get ready to drop a leg on summer, because it’s back-to-school season. And thanks to the Secretary of Education—and former WWE CEO—Linda McMahon, there are gonna be some big changes to the curriculum, including yours truly running the show. McMahon and the big-...
What he says: Thank god football’s back. What he means: I miss my friends. - - -
What he says: Can you believe Travis Kelce is going as late as the seventh round in a lot of leagues? What he means: I’ve never been more anxious about the passage of time. I graduated from coll...
PLAYERS: Infertility can be played alone, in a couple, or with a friend who promised that if you were still single at 40, they’d hook you up. OBJECTIVE: The goal is to strategically bankrupt yourself physically, financially, and emotionally to become a parent. Average playin...
A group of librarians is called a cardigan. A collection of empty chairs is called an author reading. A collection of Eric Carle books covered in spit-up is called a storytime. A group of exhausted mothers covered in spit-up is also called a storytime. A cluster of teens rea...
It’s 1:17 a.m., and I’m sitting on the floor of my kitchen drinking Dr Pepper Blackberry out of the can like it’s medicine for a heartbreak I haven’t earned yet. I haven’t cried today, but I can feel it coming, crouched behind my molars. This beverage might be the gateway. T...
It was beautiful witnessing our children’s blossoming friendship when they were in Miss Penny’s first-grade class—and by extension, our friendship too. That said, seeing as next year your kid will be in Mrs. Lang’s Second Grade Class, and mine in Mr. Dodd’s, I’m afraid it’s ...
Let’s get this out of the way: Immigration and Customs Enforcement is nothing like the Sturmabteilung, aka Hitler’s Brownshirts. Your main clue is right there in the name. The Brownshirts wore brown shirts. And pants, coats, hats, insignia, etc. They had an actual uniform th...
“And I saw Sisyphus in agonizing torment, drafting a reply to Kayleigh’s ten urgent UX questions. He hit ‘send,’ and immediately received an autoresponder: ‘I no longer work here! For questions, contact Caleb, Chief Joy Officer.’” — Homer, Odyssey - - -
“Sisyphus thinks he c...
They say women disappear with age, but if that’s true, why do their necklaces keep getting bigger? Society shuns women with crow’s feet and crepey underarms. And honestly, I get it. Aging is grotesque. That’s where I come in. I give voice to the voiceless. When a middle-aged...
Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok for—that just opened downtown. The Gilded Beak, have you heard of it? “Urban aviary meets al fresco pretension,” the website says...
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Some people think this map looks gerrymandered, but we don’t see it. We also don’t see the innovation, economic growth, and kick-ass food scene that exists in this country, largely thanks to immigrants. Everyone, get your guns: Let’s kick out all the foreigners and s...
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