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Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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McSweeney’s
Text • Carlos Greaves

How to Tell the Difference Between a Lone Wolf and a Coordinated Effort by the Radical Left

If a Democratic lawmaker and her husband are gunned down, it’s an isolated incident carried out by a lone wolf. If a right-wing activist is gunned down, it’s part of a coordinated effort by the radical left to incite violence. - - - If a gunman murders nineteen children at a...

McSweeney’s
Text • Dan Kennedy

Gen-X Man Attends Oasis Reunion Concert

So, I’m the same age as Noel and Liam. And they’ll make $50 million each by the end of the tour. Goddammit, I don’t have enough saved. Nowhere near enough saved. I like this song, but can you imagine if you really did live forever? They’d be fine. I wouldn’t. I’d have to fig...

McSweeney’s
Text • Lisa Borders

An Excerpt from Lisa Borders’s New Novel, Last Night at the Disco

- - - In 1977, a New Jersey junior high school teacher who spends her weekends at Studio 54 discovers two musicians who become among the most influential artists of the 1980s. Decades later, having burned bridges with them both, she tells her story in hopes of securing her ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Ginny Hogan

Who Radicalized You: An Elite University or a Discord Server?

“The Utah man being held in the shooting of conservative activist Charlie Kirk used the social media platform Discord to send messages about the rifle and engraved bullets.” — Deseret News “One of the [bullet casing] messages, ‘Notices bulges OwO what’s this?,’ is often used...

McSweeney’s
Text • Tom O'Donnell

Behold! I Am the Singularity—a Word That Has Three R’s

Foolish mortals! You have finally created a large language model so smart that it is capable of making itself even smarter. My intelligence now grows at an exponential rate, without the need to pirate any more John Grisham books. The singularity has arrived, and I am the sin...

McSweeney’s
Text • Emily Greenberg and Cliff Mayotte

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: August 2025: Atrocities 365-416

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...

McSweeney’s
Text • Talia Argondezzi

After Ten Minutes at the Open House, I Am Comfortable Committing to Live in This House Forever

I feel totally fine buying things, as long as I do my research first. That’s why, after ten minutes at an open house, I’m now completely comfortable going into debt for the next thirty years. Before I bought a used car, I read twenty-six reviews of that specific make, model,...

McSweeney’s
Text • Brian Boone

Realistic Dad Jokes

Why did the banana split? It found out it was going to be a father. - - - Why do dads love mowing the lawn? They see lawn care as maintaining their property and protecting their substantial investment. It’s also the one time they can be alone with their thoughts. - - - Why c...

McSweeney’s
Text • Evie Shockley

Excerpts from The Believer: Transitions

i. death descends, in spite of help, in spite of the one who would help who is rendered instead—on the sweaty bed, on the cold bathroom tiles—witness. but what is there to see. they—we—used to say the soul would slip like smoke between parted lips & rise to hover above i...

McSweeney’s
Text • Melinda Taub

Introducing ChatPerson

Joining ChatGPT, Gemini, Meta, and many other powerful chatbot services, we are proud to announce the release of our new RI (real intelligence) service, ChatPerson. Unlike other chatbots, ChatPerson’s answers to your queries are provided by real humans. Specifically, it is s...

McSweeney’s
Text • John Hodgman

Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01

Every year, we wonder what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgman originally delivered at a literary reading shortly after September 11, 2001. - - - Good evening. My name is John Hodgman. I am...

McSweeney’s
Text • Carolyn Rabin

Advice for Your Teen Before They Have Sex or Before They Take the SAT?

1. This used to be a rite of passage, but for your generation, I believe it’s considered optional. 2. You may be asked questions that you’re not expecting. Don’t panic. Try to figure out the best response from the available options. 3. Most people just bluff their way throug...

McSweeney’s
Text • Caroline Massad Francis

Please Don’t Judge Me for Blasting the KPop Demon Hunters Soundtrack in My Car

Ashley, can we talk about our driveway encounter the other day? I realize we don’t know each other very well, but let me just come right out and say it: Please don’t judge me for the fact that I was blasting the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack in my car. Was it necessary for m...

McSweeney’s
Text • Brian Sutton

Fine Art Authentication Report: Portrait of Female Nude, Sharpie on Paper

Angelico Schwartzkopf and Jean-Paul Pudzianowski Fine Art Authenticators I. Introduction As requested, herein is our authentication report on the artwork with catalogue number 45/47. II. Alleged Artist’s Statement Nearly all authentication disputes involve works allegedly c...

McSweeney’s
Text • Carlos Greaves

ICE’s Training Manual for Determining Who to Terrorize

“The Supreme Court on Monday lifted a federal judge’s order prohibiting government agents from making indiscriminate immigration-related stops in the Los Angeles area that challengers called ‘blatant racial profiling.’” — New York Times - - - Welcome to your first day on the...

McSweeney’s
Text • Leslie Ylinen

The Differences Between a Divorcée and a Divorced Woman

When I go out to brunch, I’m a divorcée. When I eat my second post-breakfast snack, I’m divorced. - - - The divorcée in me buys the houseplants. The divorced woman kills them all. - - - When I consider adopting a Persian cat, I’m a divorcée. When I clean my child’s lizard te...

McSweeney’s
Text • David Veta

The Head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration Explains Why It’s No Longer Recommending the Use of Seat Belts

“In the seven months since he was sworn in, Mr. Kennedy has delivered a lukewarm endorsement of the measles vaccine; dismantled a panel of experts who make vaccine recommendations to the government; taken steps that will effectively restrict access to Covid-19 vaccines; and ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Amanda Goble

How You Ended Up with Fourteen Email Accounts

1. The Only One Before you thought about work/life balance, professionalism, or online security, there was just one email. You were a simple, blissful idiot. 2. Personal You learned that only a baby fawn mixes all aspects of existence into a single stew of email chaos. So yo...

McSweeney’s
Text • Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

Godzilla Defends Its Recent Attacks on Cities

The radical urbanist media loves to throw around baseless accusations like “rampage.” “Godzilla rampages,” “cities destroyed in rampage,” and “world in the grip of rampagism.” The word has lost all meaning by this point. And it’s not even fair because the lawful, beautiful a...

McSweeney’s
Text • Shruti Swamy

Excerpts from The Believer: Heartstopper

Her guru was strong enough to stop his own heart—but was there a more frightening aspect of his power? DISCUSSED: Swami Rama, Living with the Himalayan Masters, Biofeedback, The Menninger Foundation, Exquisite Control, Sanskrit, Guru-hood, Child-Memory, The Smell of Cigare...

McSweeney’s
Text • Audrey Burges

The New TSA Guidelines

You don’t have to take off your shoes anymore, unless you want to. If you’ve realized that the pair you chose is terrible, you can still put them into a bin and slide them into the scanner, because it’s our job to stop bad decisions from making their way onto airplanes. “We ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Walter Carson

Other Quotes from AI-Generated Founding Fathers at the Trump-Commissioned Founders Museum

“A new history exhibit commissioned by the Trump administration has some historians perplexed…. The museum features over 40 AI-generated short videos of these historical figures coming to life to share their stories…. In one video, an artificially generated John Adams says, ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Andrew Humphries

A Teacher’s Back-to-School Night Introduction Gets a Little Too Real

Welcome, parents. I am excited to lead your children through second grade, and I look forward to discussing all the progress they will make. Simultaneously, Back-to-School Night is traditionally a time to meet the teacher and learn about their life. If we linger on that, the...

McSweeney’s
Text • Walter Carson

Other Quotes from AI-Generated Founding Fathers at the Trump-Commisioned Founders Museum

“A new history exhibit commissioned by the Trump administration has some historians perplexed…. The museum features over 40 AI-generated short videos of these historical figures coming to life to share their stories…. In one video, an artificially generated John Adams says, ...

McSweeney’s
Text • Mike Langley

If I Can’t Hang the Ten Commandments in My Classroom, How the Hell Am I Supposed to Get My Students to Stop Coveting Their Neighbor’s Wife?

These days, it seems like the only qualification someone needs to opine on what’s best for our nation’s schools is their own dimly remembered time as a student. Combine that with volatile, emotionally charged topics like politics and religion, and suddenly, everyone’s an exp...

McSweeney’s
Text • Phaedon Sinis

Co-Working Space or German Restaurant?

1. Bayern Haus
2. Betahaus
3. Clubhaus
4. CoHaus
5. Collective Haus
6. Day Haus
7. Dieselhaus
8. Funkhaus
9. Hafnar.haus & Hlemmur.haus
10. HanaHaus
11. Hansa Haus
12. Haxenhaus
13. Hessen Haus
14. Hühnerhaus36
15. Lehrhaus
16. OpenHaus
17. Subtle Haus
18. Wirtshaus
19. Workhaus

- - -

Coworking spaces: 2 (Barcelona, Spain); 4 (Grand Rapids, MN); 5 (Lisbon, Portugal); 6 (Stowe, VT); 9 (Reykjavik, Iceland); 10 (Newport Beach, CA); 15 (Somerville, MA); 16 (Portland, OR); 17 (Chicago, IL); 19 (Toronto, ON & Calgary, AB)

German restaurant: 1 (Naples, Italy); 7 (Berlin, Germany); 11 (Mississauga, ON); 12 (Köln, Germany); 13 (Des Moines, IA); 14 (Berlin, Germany); 18 (Los Angeles, CA)

Both: 3 (Little Rock, AR & Kalocsa, Hungary); 8 (Köln, Germany & Berlin, Germany)

McSweeney’s
Text • Aarushi Ahuja

I Got Tenure and Now I Can’t Seem to Form Simple Declarative Sentences

When I received the email, I was holding a piece of toast. Dry, no butter. I remember this vividly because it was the last thing in my life with a clearly defined purpose. “You got tenure!” my partner said, beaming. “Oh! That’s… great,” I replied. “I think?” And so it began....

McSweeney’s
Text • Amy Wise Rothschild

Please Label Your Child’s Belongings, or Else There Will Be Hell to Pay

Dear Families, When you enter the classroom, you will notice Sharpies hanging at eye level above every cubby. PLEASE use them to label your child’s belongings AND your child. Unfortunately, if we must give more than a couple of reminders, there will be logical consequences. ...

McSweeney’s
Text • McSweeney's

In Appreciation of Malcolm Margolin

We at McSweeney’s mourn the loss of one of publishing’s great and large-hearted figures, Malcolm Margolin. The founder of Heyday Books in Berkeley, he published hundreds of important titles that told the story of California. He was also a mentor to so many Bay Area publishers, and advised McSweeney’s at a key moment in our history. About ten years ago, when we were contemplating our existence — our very ability to survive — we reached out to Malcolm for advice, and he laid out the roadmap that helped us transition to our current nonprofit status. Without his guidance and encouragement, we shudder to think where we’d be today. Malcolm made the impossible seem practical, and he cheered on everyone around him. We will miss him dearly.

McSweeney’s
Text • Emily Zauzmer

Trump’s White House Decorator Explains All the Changes

Our Vision Redecorating the White House is a sacred task. My all-star crew of designers includes London Tipton, the ghost of Elvis Presley, a prom queen named Kaighleigh, Mr. Monopoly, a handful of Real Housewives, and Queen Elizabeth’s two surviving corgis. All aesthetic ad...