Dear Troops, First off, welcome! We’ve been anticipating your arrival in our city, where the wind blows like our reported crime rate, so hold on to your MAGA hats and ski masks. The weather changes hourly; prepare for simultaneous sunburn and frostbite. Our humidity smells ...
Thanks for coming in. Have a seat. I realize there’s a lot going on right now between work and the seven-headed dragon that is here to brutally murder us, but I really need you to focus. As you know, this is a critical time for our company, and every individual needs to be a...
Agatha Christie: “I bet I could murder them and get away with it.” Ernest Hemingway: “For sale. Two testicles. Never used.” George R. R. Martin: “Hold on, I’ll tell you later…” Cormac McCarthy: “The man stands. Jaw slacked and mouth opened black and round like a charred spid...
“Thousands of private messages reveal young GOP leaders joking about gas chambers, slavery, and rape…. Vice President JD Vance downplayed [the] bigoted messages, suggesting they were nothing more than ‘edgy, offensive jokes.’” — Politico - - -
If you ever needed proof that w...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
You probably don’t hear “River of Dreams” much anymore. It’s never on the radio, and no one is streaming that song of their own free will. But here in my dental practice, I hear “River of Dreams” at least fifteen times a day. Once per appointment, in fact. Honestly, it’s out...
For fifteen years or so, I’d been kicking around the idea of resurrecting the artist-apprentice model that reigned in the art world for hundreds of years. Again and again, I’d heard from young people who lamented the astronomical and ever-rising cost of art school. For many ...
Anytime you arrive at an event dressed similarly to another guest, things can feel a bit awkward. But the Vatican is notoriously secretive. You had no way of knowing what kind of huge hat the pope would be wearing tonight. Nevertheless, you’re in this mess, here’s what to do...
Thanks for reaching out. Yes, I’m interested in your one-week project, which you’ve described as a “sprint”—a fun euphemism for seven days of sheer panic. When do you need me? Darn, I’ll actually be on a cruise with my family that week, but I suppose I could find a quiet cor...
Sorry, new kid, we’re already sitting here. Hang on, are you Christopher Columbus? I’m India. People keep saying you can’t stop talking about me. They say you’ve been, like, looking for me? Weird. Wait, I heard you found a whole other country and thought it was me. Is that t...
Thank you for attending our company’s all-hands. It’s been an incredible eight years since we launched the first version of the Small Child. I’m not embarrassed to say that initially, we had a suboptimal product-market fit. The UX was terrible, and first-time users had no id...
A QUARTERLY column from Carrie Brownstein, who is better at dispensing advice than taking it - - -
Q: I’m an adult. I bathe. And yet people keep giving me soap. My mom slipped a bar into my Easter basket this year. My best friend gifted me a bourbon-scented soap for my birt...
“Friday” – Rebecca Black “Temporal Awareness Cantata in G Major for Adolescent Voice and Auto-Tuned Choir (‘Hebdomadal Celebration’)” “Mambo No. 5” – Lou Bega “Polygamous Dance Catalog in F Major for German-Cuban Vocalist. Homage to Monica, Erica, Rita, Sandra, Tina, Mary, J...
I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everything in their environment is safe, nutritious, and natural. Those same people probably think I’m a bad mom for letting my little ...
Jacket? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Well, obviously, you’re driving, you big gavone. Okay, Danny, this is gonna be your night. They’re gonna be shocked to see you. The guy every girl wanted and every guy wanted to be. The capital-C Cool Cat who flew into the clouds in a 1948...
Art by Matt Smith - - -
Now, evuhryone knows that the Vikings were some sehriously hahdco’ah fuckin’ fightahs. ‘Cept most’ah ‘em actually didn’t go a-viking as they just stayed there in their frigid fuckin’ homelands fahmin’ n’ fishin’ n’ shit. But those that did go a-vikin...
“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cry. ‘Let’s do the f***ing news,’ she declared.” — The Independent - - -
TO: NEWSROOM FROM: ANIMAL, NEW EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SUBJECT: A...
Foot tapping (beats 2 and 4!). Head shaking (all beats, heavier on beats 2 and 4). Hand drumming on every surface—steering wheel, tables, grocery cart. Get excited when, in the noise of the mall, you hear the perfect high-hat rhythm. Only to find that it’s coming from a coff...
By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, Klan members, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, some dudes we don’t know cosplaying as Walker, Texas Ranger—patrolling your city. Maybe ...
I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that the future might be okay. My company has a slogan like “Connect Everyone” or “Build Beautiful Stuff,” and I promise you that we...
INTERVIEWER: Chemical engineer Dr. Chesel Amniotiv is looking resplendent in orange gabardine, with cobalt accents of actual cobalt. Let’s see if we can get a word in… Dr. Amniotiv, who are you wearing this evening? DR. AMNIOTIV: This is a Bob Mackie lab coat whose hem-to-se...
Life in the big city can be many things. But mostly it is hard, expensive, and exhausting. Occasionally, it can smell like poop. Above all, it is confounding. So, when the city seems to be throwing all kinds of confusing omens and symbols your way, why not turn to a little d...
“Goose is a jam band. Geese is indie rock. They both have new albums. They’re also both on tour. Confused? We can help.” — New York Times - - -
FREDDIE: Hey, Eddie. EDDIE: Hey, Freddie. FREDDIE: So Eddie, I’m putting together a playlist for the Audubon event. EDDIE: Who’s on...
President Trump had another successful week of what is already the greatest presidency of all time, and yet, the woke leftist mob continues to deliberately foment violence by labeling our administration as “fascist.” Donald Trump deserves nothing but praise, and I, Stephen M...
At Bombay Beach, a half-ruined former vacation town on the edge of the Salton Sea, absurdist philosophers, artists, and everyday townsfolk have undertaken a postapocalyptic experiment in radical living. - - -
It is easy to miss California’s biggest environmental disaster. D...
FUCK YOU, BRIAN!
- - - FUCK YOU, BRIAN! Also, please tell your neighbor to the right (your left) that I apologize for smashing their window.
- - - If Brian receives this: FUCK YOU! If Brian’s Neighbor receives this: I need you to know that I’m standing directly across fr...
1. Pearl Jam1 2. Old Lady Curtains2 3. Blind Melon3 4. Alice in Chains4 5. Judge Judy in a Bathrobe5 6. Garbage6 7. Smashing Pumpkins7 8. Toad the Wet Sprocket8 9. Angry Rainbow9 10. Yeah Yeah Yeahs10 11. Nine Inch Nails11 12. Pledge Drive Tote Bag12 13. Red Hot Chili Pepper...
“An ‘AI actor’ named Tilly Norwood has been causing a stir after its Dutch creators said the synthetic performer is in talks with talent agencies.” — BBC - - -
Museum of Bad Decisions begins with a promising premise and a visually rich setting—the Crystal Bridges Museum of A...
We, the GOP, don’t want a shutdown, but Democrats are dangerously close to keeping health insurance costs from spiking. We, the GOP, don’t want a shutdown, but that’s just how things go when you only control all three branches of government. We, the GOP, don’t want a shutdow...
Goonies Since strangers will call the police if kids in the Goon Docks wander around on their own, the boys don’t get a chance to search for One-Eyed Willy’s gold. Instead, they compete in a Mr. Beast challenge in hopes of winning enough money to save their parents’ home. Sa...
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