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McSweeney’s
• Amanda Goble

How You Ended Up with Fourteen Email Accounts

1. The Only One Before you thought about work/life balance, professionalism, or online security, there was just one email. You were a simple, blissful idiot. 2. Personal You learned that only a baby fawn mixes all aspects of existence into a single stew of email chaos. So yo...

McSweeney’s
• Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

Godzilla Defends Its Recent Attacks on Cities

The radical urbanist media loves to throw around baseless accusations like “rampage.” “Godzilla rampages,” “cities destroyed in rampage,” and “world in the grip of rampagism.” The word has lost all meaning by this point. And it’s not even fair because the lawful, beautiful a...

McSweeney’s
• Shruti Swamy

Excerpts from The Believer: Heartstopper

Her guru was strong enough to stop his own heart—but was there a more frightening aspect of his power? DISCUSSED: Swami Rama, Living with the Himalayan Masters, Biofeedback, The Menninger Foundation, Exquisite Control, Sanskrit, Guru-hood, Child-Memory, The Smell of Cigare...

McSweeney’s
• Audrey Burges

The New TSA Guidelines

You don’t have to take off your shoes anymore, unless you want to. If you’ve realized that the pair you chose is terrible, you can still put them into a bin and slide them into the scanner, because it’s our job to stop bad decisions from making their way onto airplanes. “We ...

McSweeney’s
• Walter Carson

Other Quotes from AI-Generated Founding Fathers at the Trump-Commissioned Founders Museum

“A new history exhibit commissioned by the Trump administration has some historians perplexed…. The museum features over 40 AI-generated short videos of these historical figures coming to life to share their stories…. In one video, an artificially generated John Adams says, ...

McSweeney’s
• Andrew Humphries

A Teacher’s Back-to-School Night Introduction Gets a Little Too Real

Welcome, parents. I am excited to lead your children through second grade, and I look forward to discussing all the progress they will make. Simultaneously, Back-to-School Night is traditionally a time to meet the teacher and learn about their life. If we linger on that, the...

McSweeney’s
• Walter Carson

Other Quotes from AI-Generated Founding Fathers at the Trump-Commisioned Founders Museum

“A new history exhibit commissioned by the Trump administration has some historians perplexed…. The museum features over 40 AI-generated short videos of these historical figures coming to life to share their stories…. In one video, an artificially generated John Adams says, ...

McSweeney’s
• Mike Langley

If I Can’t Hang the Ten Commandments in My Classroom, How the Hell Am I Supposed to Get My Students to Stop Coveting Their Neighbor’s Wife?

These days, it seems like the only qualification someone needs to opine on what’s best for our nation’s schools is their own dimly remembered time as a student. Combine that with volatile, emotionally charged topics like politics and religion, and suddenly, everyone’s an exp...

McSweeney’s
• Phaedon Sinis

Co-Working Space or German Restaurant?

1. Bayern Haus
2. Betahaus
3. Clubhaus
4. CoHaus
5. Collective Haus
6. Day Haus
7. Dieselhaus
8. Funkhaus
9. Hafnar.haus & Hlemmur.haus
10. HanaHaus
11. Hansa Haus
12. Haxenhaus
13. Hessen Haus
14. Hühnerhaus36
15. Lehrhaus
16. OpenHaus
17. Subtle Haus
18. Wirtshaus
19. Workhaus

- - -

Coworking spaces: 2 (Barcelona, Spain); 4 (Grand Rapids, MN); 5 (Lisbon, Portugal); 6 (Stowe, VT); 9 (Reykjavik, Iceland); 10 (Newport Beach, CA); 15 (Somerville, MA); 16 (Portland, OR); 17 (Chicago, IL); 19 (Toronto, ON & Calgary, AB)

German restaurant: 1 (Naples, Italy); 7 (Berlin, Germany); 11 (Mississauga, ON); 12 (Köln, Germany); 13 (Des Moines, IA); 14 (Berlin, Germany); 18 (Los Angeles, CA)

Both: 3 (Little Rock, AR & Kalocsa, Hungary); 8 (Köln, Germany & Berlin, Germany)

McSweeney’s
• Aarushi Ahuja

I Got Tenure and Now I Can’t Seem to Form Simple Declarative Sentences

When I received the email, I was holding a piece of toast. Dry, no butter. I remember this vividly because it was the last thing in my life with a clearly defined purpose. “You got tenure!” my partner said, beaming. “Oh! That’s… great,” I replied. “I think?” And so it began....

McSweeney’s
• Amy Wise Rothschild

Please Label Your Child’s Belongings, or Else There Will Be Hell to Pay

Dear Families, When you enter the classroom, you will notice Sharpies hanging at eye level above every cubby. PLEASE use them to label your child’s belongings AND your child. Unfortunately, if we must give more than a couple of reminders, there will be logical consequences. ...

McSweeney’s
• McSweeney's

In Appreciation of Malcolm Margolin

We at McSweeney’s mourn the loss of one of publishing’s great and large-hearted figures, Malcolm Margolin. The founder of Heyday Books in Berkeley, he published hundreds of important titles that told the story of California. He was also a mentor to so many Bay Area publishers, and advised McSweeney’s at a key moment in our history. About ten years ago, when we were contemplating our existence — our very ability to survive — we reached out to Malcolm for advice, and he laid out the roadmap that helped us transition to our current nonprofit status. Without his guidance and encouragement, we shudder to think where we’d be today. Malcolm made the impossible seem practical, and he cheered on everyone around him. We will miss him dearly.

McSweeney’s
• Emily Zauzmer

Trump’s White House Decorator Explains All the Changes

Our Vision Redecorating the White House is a sacred task. My all-star crew of designers includes London Tipton, the ghost of Elvis Presley, a prom queen named Kaighleigh, Mr. Monopoly, a handful of Real Housewives, and Queen Elizabeth’s two surviving corgis. All aesthetic ad...

McSweeney’s
• Jack Loftus

America Now Really Does Run on Dunkin’

“The Trump administration is considering taking stakes in defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin Corp, U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick said on Tuesday as he defended President Donald Trump’s push for a greater government role in American business.” —Reuters - ...

McSweeney’s
• Melissa Locker

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Lyle Lovett

“I’ve always made it a policy to never question good fortune.” - - - Food items mentioned by Lyle Lovett: Summer strawberries from the Pacific Northwest Eggs, bacon, and pancakes from IHOP Two-thirds-of-a-pound burgers, served with chips and a jar of pickled jalapeños - ...

McSweeney’s
• Juliana Gray

Escape Room Challenge: Your European Airbnb

Welcome to this tiny fifth-floor Airbnb, your home for the next four days in a major European city. Can you escape without incurring additional fees for cleaning or damage? Let the games begin. First, you must open this rusty lockbox containing the apartment keys. The number...

McSweeney’s
• Rita Bullwinkel

A Letter from the Editor of McSweeney’s Quarterly

- - - Today we are celebrating the release of the latest issue of our award-winning quarterly journal. To celebrate, subscriptions are $10 off, and we’ve asked our brilliant and fearless editor, Rita Bullwinkel, to share a few words. - - - Dear Readers, Today, McSweeney’s Q...

McSweeney’s
• Tyler Gooch

Updated Syllabus, Revised After What Happened Last Semester

Course Overview This course is designed to introduce students to classic literary works. Class time will be primarily discussion based. Those discussions should remain focused on literary works. They should never become a platform for students to pitch the professor on a bus...

McSweeney’s
• Emily Flake

I’m the Abandoned New Cracker Barrel Logo, and You Can All Go Fuck Yourselves

“After days of intense backlash, most recently from President Donald Trump, Cracker Barrel is scrapping its new minimalist logo.” — CNN - - - I should have known corporate didn’t have my back from the jump—that busy mess of an old logo was stamped with a registered trademark...

McSweeney’s
• Mark E. Griffin

I Assume All Responsibility If My Child Jams a Bic Pen into Her School-Issued Chromebook

I understand I am responsible if my child renders her Chromebook a paper weight by mercilessly and giddily jamming a Bic pen into the power jack, creating a beautiful flash across the screen, and, if the TikToks are accurate, a slight puff of acrid smoke emanating from withi...

McSweeney’s
• Chris Keilman

The OG Slappy Sando from Slappy Mike’s

Every day, we’re makin’ it slappy here at Slappy Mike’s, and now, we’re finally revealing our secrets. So here’s how we make our crowd favorite: the classic, the one-and-only OG Slappy Sando by Slappy Mike. First, we get ourselves a fresh, crispy fried chicken fillet. We thr...

McSweeney’s
• Karen Scholl

I Am a Dog. I Am About to Puke. Where Is the Good Rug?

Oh. Oh no. Something is… wrong. Very wrong. Oh, boy. Yeah. No. Nope. Not okay. Don’t get up, Mom. You’re so Comfy On the couch. I… got this. I’ll just— Urg. Ugh. Oh boy. Ohboyohboyohboy. … … Actually. … Hold on just a second. … Maybe it’s fine. I think it’s gone. ...

McSweeney’s
• Kristen Mulrooney

Reviews of New Food: Dunkin’ Vanilla Glaze Flavor Dog Biscuits

Last month, my beloved dog Buster suddenly became unresponsive. He could barely move, and he refused to eat or drink. After an ultrasound, the vet told us she found an incurable cancerous mass on his spleen. “Take him home and give him all of his favorite treats,” she said, ...

McSweeney’s
• Kristen Mulrooney

Reviews of New Food: Dunkin’ Vanilla Glazed Dog Biscuits

Last month, my beloved dog Buster suddenly became unresponsive. He could barely move, and he refused to eat or drink. After an ultrasound, the vet told us she found an incurable cancerous mass on his spleen. “Take him home and give him all of his favorite treats,” she said, ...

McSweeney’s
• Ysabel Yates

Terms and Conditions for Walks with My Dog

This agreement is between me (“me”) and you (“the dog”) and is designed to govern the rules, policies, and expected behavior on our walks together. Definitions and walk cancellation policies You are entitled to one (1) long walk per day, not including our four (4) regularly...

McSweeney’s
• Brian Michael Murphy

How I Learned to Stop Teaching and Love AI

Like a fool, I used to resist, but no more. In the past, I railed against the rise of AI. I preached small-minded sermons to students who had to sit through my tirades to get a passing grade. I used to curse and mutter at the head of the class, as the commercial for Grammarl...

McSweeney’s
• Ginny Hogan

Developmental Milestones for Authoritarians

By age three, your authoritarian should be able to blame juice spills on political enemies, such as a baby sibling or a weird uncle. If he or she (but likely he) can’t, you should begin offering assistance. Tip over his cup of juice and see if he diverts the blame. By age fo...

McSweeney’s
• Benjamin Roby

Smithsonian Exhibits That the White House Finds Objectionable

“The White House published a list of Smithsonian exhibits, programming, and artwork it considered objectionable on Thursday, one week after announcing that eight of the institution’s museums must submit their current wall text and future exhibition plans for a comprehensive ...

McSweeney’s
• Gish Jen

Excerpts from The Believer: Animal: Wild Turkey

FEATURES: Runs almost as fast as Usain Bolt, albeit in bursts Flies faster than most hummingbirds, albeit in bursts Gobbles, purrs, yelps, chirps, clicks, and kee-kees - - - It is a truth, if not universally acknowledged then at least generally believed, that Ben Frankli...

McSweeney’s
• Noah Seligman

I’m Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative, Which Is Totally Not Meaningless

Remember me? I’m the guy with “Christian” and “Patriot” on my Twitter profile. My avatar is a picture of me wearing sunglasses and a baseball hat in the front seat of my car. I also have a #girldad on my profile, but that only applies to two weekends a month. I’m a critical ...