To Faculty and Parents, I am writing to let you know I can no longer serve as the faculty advisor for the Harrison High School Human Cloning Club. I am sick of developing cutting-edge cloning research, pushing the boundaries of biological possibilities, and dominating in the...
I’m running. I will do it better. I will create wilder expectations, deliver fewer results, and scapegoat even more. I will raise plausible deniability to record highs. I will say even less with more words. I will make knowing what I actually think, stand for, or am joking a...
“President Trump, speaking at a campaign rally Monday, suggested ‘[Iran] can take out a city, let ’em take out Los Angeles, let ’em take out San Diego. This is a very small price to pay.’” — Los Angeles Times - - -
Listen, we get that Americans are upset. The Iran War has st...
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Longtime McSweeney’s contributor Jessica M. Goldstein’s novel Retro is about a struggling, out-of-work actress, Ash, who gets a job as a Time Travel Agent at a start-up that takes wealthy tourists on vacations to the past. Destination bachelorettes in the Wild West! “...
Welcome to Pearly Gates Valley Mountain Strip Mall, located off whichever highway is closest to you. Parking is free. Our strip mall has a pet shop called “Pet Shop,” featuring premium poison dart frogs and betta fish in Tupperware containers. There’s also a donation box for...
I am a citizen living in a swing state, and I need to see more political advertisements before deciding who to vote for. Many of my state’s federal elections are toss-ups. So for the last year, I have been advertised to every time I engage with media, front yards, billboards...
“An intense, public outcry over a woman’s account of being gang-raped at a Cornell University fraternity house prompted New York’s governor this week to angrily yank control of the investigation away from the local prosecutor who didn’t initially see what happened as a crime...
Hi, it’s me, Grandpa Joe from the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I used my family’s food budget to sign up for high-speed internet, and I just learned about this controversy surrounding a lesbian bar in Western Massachusetts. I don’t really know what lesbia...
You don’t have to do this. In fact, it would be a whole lot better for you if you didn’t do this. You have absolutely no connection to that place or the people who live there anymore. None of your family members have children who are on the high school football team. You don...
I thought this kind of thing would surely no longer be happening. After the multiple waves of feminism, the #MeToo movement, and all that wokeness we did before it became cringe, we believed we’d progressed. Now here we are, back in this terrible place, just forty-one years ...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.
As the ruler of this fine kingdom, I must surround myself with only the most virtuous and wise minds as I navigate the daily demands of my position. That’s why I rely heavily on the counsel of my most trusted advisor, Conniving Worm. No one knows where he came from, but I li...
“Sen. Eric Schmitt (R-Mo.) is facing accusations he tried to launch a conspiracy tying former special counsel Jack Smith to others who prosecuted President Trump—a line of questioning that unwound when the senator apparently confused two basketball teams.” — The Hill - - -
D...
“I am willing, perfectly willing to lay down all my joys in this life.” — Union Major Sullivan Ballou - - -
10:00 p.m. My Very Dear Husband, Indications are strong that we shall soon Uber to the superclub. Lest I have poor service or big drops to cheer, I feel it prudent to...
“A New York prosecutor said Monday that he would reopen an investigation into accusations of a 2024 sexual assault at Cornell University… The lawsuit alleged that the seven accused fraternity members were given the opportunity to ‘mitigate their conduct by submitting essays ...
I’m an American, and as such, I believe in free and fair elections. Actually, let me dial that back. I used to believe in them, and I’d like to again. So when I heard the cookie perverts over at Oreo had launched their “Twist, Lick, Vote” campaign, I felt a long-dormant patr...
To My Best Friend You will receive a midmorning text asking if you, too, have ever felt a sharp pain on the left side of your chest when flexing your right foot while seated. Your job is to assure me that you’ve had this same sensation many a time without consequence. In fac...
Originally published in the near future. - - -
Are you one of the last humans reading? You are rare. Appreciation! I wrote this—personally, with hands—to help the billions who don’t read to read good again. It’s painful, but with my technique, you can read entire sentences w...
Well, if it isn’t the cool millennial parent who doesn’t believe in screaming at his kids. Good to see you again. It’s me, the Gen X dad who tells people he could have played college football within five minutes of meeting them. Grab a cold septuple IPA even though it’s only...
Loser runs a beer mile. This common league punishment sprints straight into Article 20, which stipulates that the movements of POWs must be conducted at least as humanely as the movements of your own side’s troops. Until everybody commits to chugging four Pabsts and heading ...
Consolidated Harvest Friends, LLC Interoffice Memorandum Not For Public Release Dear Executives, Executive Assistants, Interoffice Subordinates, and High-Value Shareholders— Recent disturbing reports have surfaced which claim that Glünch: The Edible Glue, the newest addition...
“Senator Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) says Democrats should not impeach ‘anybody’ if they regain control of Congress … ‘I would rather move the ball forward’ to the benefit of the American people, and if we can do it in a way that allows him [Trump] to save face, and he doesn’t st...
McSweeney’s
• Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
You could go suavely into that good night. That might be cool. You’d need a smooth, cool aura to pull it off, though. Maybe try on a silk shirt, look in the mirror, and do a little self-evaluation before attempting this one. Oh, you know what? Could you go rowdy into that go...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
This morning, o...
Sup Hey Down 2 hang tomorrow? Are you free this Friday? Not looking for anything serious I’m only asking because I’m looking for someone But we could still have fun To drive me out into the woods R u on Snapchat? And dig a hole Add me on Snapchat And bury me in it I had fun ...
“The White House has launched its own round-the-clock video channel, dubbed ‘Trump TV: The Essentials Station,’ just days after President Donald Trump barred CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from the White House.” — Newsweek - - -
The White House is thrilled to announce the arrival...
The following is an excerpt from McSweeney’s contributor Eli Burnstein’s new book, Phrased & Confused, a guide to the great quotations that we just keep getting wrong. From ancient maxims like “Seize the day” to modern sound bites like “The road less traveled,” Phrased &...
Congratulations, colleague. We, the meeting overlords, have agreed to end this meeting early and are benevolently granting you fifteen minutes of your day back. With this bountiful amount of time, we hope you choose to hydrate, eat, catch up on sleep, stand up for the first ...
“That tie is old and ugly.” “There are no normal people.” “Your room stank really bad.” “Your room really stank bad.” “I am better without you.” “Without you, I am better.” “I only eat small sour lemons.” “My friend has seven children, so what?’ “Why are you sleeping under t...
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