I’m so excited my new Meat Glasses have arrived in the mail. I unwrap them and turn them over. Wow, they’ve really done it. You can’t see the camera under the ground beef at all. In fact, they look like high-fashion glasses made of raw, Grade A ground sirloin. Still, Meat Gl...
Q: Why my favorite song? Your favorite song’s lyrics were either generic or changeable enough that we could capitalize on your nostalgia. We figured we could hold your attention for ten seconds longer than our usual arthritis medication commercials, where people do light phy...
Ready to join an exciting new startup with a radical approach to employee-employer relations? Trustus was founded on a belief that workplaces are not families. For too long, we’ve seen companies use this language to exploit employee labor for personal profit, and we don’t wa...
On the first day of the semester, Professor Sisyphus made a to-do list. As he completed items on the to-do list, he kept adding new ones at about twice the rate he crossed off items. Professor Sisyphus graded the papers his students had submitted. The day he handed back the ...
Week 1 Players will arrive at the field, get their shirts, get incredibly excited about their shirts, demand to know why Moana isn’t on any of the shirts, fight among each other about who got the best shirt, and hopefully get within six inches of the ball at some point. Week...
Our company exists to make humanity more free, to solve the challenges MLK forgot to dream about. We began as an idea and bloomed into the market’s least compunctious competitor—that’s what makes us the number one AI-powered workflow management app currently under FTC invest...
I have great news: there’s a new cookie place! It just opened. It’s called Kiss the Cookie, but I will do no such thing. I will eat the cookie. All of it. Here’s why that’s impressive: their cookies are very big. In fact, here’s one of their marketing gimmicks: if you can pr...
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT SOME SUNNY DISTRICT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA NEAR A HORSE RANCH TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS, (plaintiff) V. THE THIRD LAW OF MOTION, (defendant) STATEMENT OF CLAIM 1. THE THIRD LAW OF MOTION, which has been debunked time and time again by people who say...
As a parent, I am required to obtain a car seat that must withstand a direct missile strike but am expected to look the other way when an inflatable UFC octagon with no referee is a main feature at nearly every birthday party. Admittedly, I had fun bouncing when I was a kid,...
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers may soon be outfitted with gloves that can deliver painful electric shocks intended to gain compliance from combative individuals. -CBS News - - -
We in the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement Department have re...
Congratulations. Your child has received a diagnosis. You have now entered one of Southern California’s most biodiverse ecosystems. While these remarkable creatures can be found throughout the region, they thrive in particularly fertile habitats: Erewhon checkout lines, adap...
A man stands in a log cabin at night while the roof leaks. He eats Pepperidge Farms cookies and paces to think. What if doing this with a blanket wrapped around you is a sign of genius? You would never know, because your online test is broken and it keeps giving VERY INTELLI...
In the hospital bassinet next to my bed while I stayed awake for his first forty-eight hours to make sure he was still breathing In the hospital nursery - - -
Quietly, in my arms while I rocked him to sleep in a rocking chair In the bend of the couch covered in Pokémon stick...
Thank you for updating to Woman 51.0. This release includes important security updates, several unexpected hardware changes, a completely redesigned relationship with alcohol, and expanded support for saying “absolutely not” without explaining yourself. New Features Night S...
There’s been some sort of error, thought Joseph K. Yes, that was it, an inadvertent error. Quite possibly on his part. A careless thumb tap when paranoiascrolling on his phone or a wayward mouse click while porn-drunk. The type of mistake modern life makes inevitable. Though...
“Taylor Farms is recalling items containing jalapeños sold at major retailers over Salmonella risk. The salad company, which recently recalled certain lettuce products amid the ongoing cyclosporiasis outbreak, announced on Aug. 9 that it is recalling its products made with j...
Welcome aboard Svelte Airlines flight 362426. We’re so glad to have you with us today. Not you, econo-fat in 49C; we just tolerate you. For now. Please sit in your assigned seat. Unless the person next to you doesn’t like that. Ultimately, the person to your left will decide...
Subject History of Present Illness: The patient, a thirty-year-old female, describes “not feeling like myself” following an incident at the temple of Athena. Intake nurse documented patient as hostile when she refused to remove veil. Chief Complaints The patient reports expe...
Sillicombe Valley Public Beta, November 1650
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
Eight-week public beta completed successfully. Eight hundred and forty-seven community posts. Eighty-five percent village adoption. Twelve fatalities, all community-led.
PROJECT BACKGROUND
Sillicombe is an u...
MOM: I’m going to the front desk. I want to embarrass our adult children. DAD: I was just there to do exactly that by getting a ridiculous number of washcloths that we won’t use. MOM: Perfect. I’ll ask for a problematic number of towels and a pillow with impossible attribute...
The following prompts were submitted to an image-generation service over the course of a century. The user has since been suspended. Prompt 1 Create a timeless late-Victorian oil painting of the most beautiful boy in the world (me). Comely features. Lovely. Fair. Debonair an...
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE EXTREME HEAT ALERT ///BULLETIN BEGINS/// … ALERT… ALERT… ALERT… … BE ADVISED: EXTREME HEAT AND HUMIDITY POSE SEVERE RISKS TO HEALTH AND CRITICAL INFRASTRUCTURE ACROSS THE REGION FOR THE NEXT 48 TO 72 HOURS… … SAFETY GUIDANCE: CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO ...
“How sure are we that she’s dead? Should we double-check just to be safe? I know for a fact that she would not want to be buried alive.” “My dog wasn’t chill with anyone, but he was chill with her.” “She was never weird in conversation, and even if she was, I have no recolle...
How do I like a profile? Please highlight what you like and add a query. How do I dislike a profile? Please use track changes. What if I disliked a profile by accident? Write “stet.” Are you hiring freelancers? No. Can I end my “About me” section with a preposition? Doing so...
Dear Ted Lasso, With your new season coming out, I thought you’d like some storyline advice from a non-Emmy-winning, suicide-surviving, journaling-through-the-pain, amateur writer mom. We can be pent-up-feelings pals. I’m beyond grateful that in the first three seasons, you ...
“For a fee of up to $100,000 a month, trading firms can access ‘Truth API’ to get a glimpse of the president’s often market-moving announcements about economic policy and global affairs before the rest of the world.” — NPR - - -
Truth API is the premier platform for breaking...
Grandma, it’s the first of the month. Did you forget the blood tithe was due? Don’t worry, gam-gam, I’ll help you figure it out. You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a f...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
Toni Morrison f...
He steals from the rich to give to the poor, which sounds generous until you learn what he steals. The people of Sherwood do not need six unmatched salt shakers, twenty-three hotel towels, or a bag of decorative seashells. And yet, every few days, Robin bursts into the villa...
Dear Astral Skye Data Center Workers, When A-Skye first took possession of four thousand acres of your town’s land to build an AI facility the size of three thousand football fields, it gave some of you pause. You wanted transparency. You wanted oversight. While we couldn’t ...
Subscribe
