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Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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McSweeney’s
• Kara Panzer

We Believe Pregnancy Is a Magical Time in a Woman’s Life, So We Designed the Shapeless Maternity Sack™

As a purveyor of maternity attire, we feel pregnancy is sacred, divine, and an opportunity to celebrate the beauty of e-commerce by repurposing fabric originally intended for sails on a line of girly sailboats and re-dyed circus tents. For a limited time (eighteen months fro...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Reset Yourself

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
• Brian Barker and Nicky Beer

Tom Waits White Noise Sound Options

Rumble of freight trains at dusk

Tuesday delivery at scrap metal yard

Broom sweeping floor of bar in Sheboygan at closing time

Hailstorm on roof of jalopy

Guy named Monty playing spoons in front of barrel fire

Minor league baseball game on radio in room next door at flophouse, 1953

Time

One-eared mule eating oats out of rusted Radio Flyer wagon

Footsteps, size ten wingtips, left heel worn down

Fly ricocheting against Greyhound bus window in August

Third-to-last unfiltered Chesterfield being drawn from pack

Musical saw practicing scales in abandoned Viennese opera house

Resigned exhalation of dishwater blonde sipping rotgut from chipped dimestore mug while hounds from the farm over the hill next grieve passing hours that slip away like clouds skulking over the rotted face of the moon

Carny coughing into red bandana

McSweeney’s
• Evan Dotas

Why Can’t the Left Understand That a Politician’s Mysterious Illness Is Between Him and His Doctor?

“Senator Mitch McConnell, Republican of Kentucky and the former majority leader, was hospitalized on June 14. Since then, his office has provided few updates about his condition. The scant official statements have led to speculation around Washington and efforts to piece tog...

McSweeney’s
• Nina Semczuk

Let’s Drive This Friend Group Right Into the Abyss

Did someone say group trip? Yes please, Abilene paradox. We should absolutely go to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed price to sleep in various uncomfortable configurations and spend unmitigated time together with unexpressed needs simmering and expressed needs expl...

McSweeney’s
• Rebecca Saltzman

If Only There Had Been a Sign that the Face-Melting Nazi from Indiana Jones Wouldn’t Make a Good Senator

“An oysterman who has never held elected office, Mr. Platner has been dogged by controversies since he announced his bid [for Maine Senate seat] last August, including allegations about his past treatment of women, revelations of a tattoo he had that resembled a Nazi symbol ...

McSweeney’s
• Erica Lies

Reviews of New Food: Rice Krispies Treat Strawberry Ice Cream Sandwiches

There are innumerable ways to cope with the particular malaise of job burnout. Some people do spa treatments, others prefer the endless scroll of TikTok, but personally, I turn to unfettered capitalism. There is no work stress that I cannot numb under the bright lights of a ...

McSweeney’s
• Caroline Marsh

Novel GLP-1 Receptor Agonist Delivers Transition to Astral Plane

PRESS RELEASE In a clinical trial, XANTOBI delivered weight loss of up to 406 pounds, or 100 percent of patients’ starting weight. Study participants experienced an average loss of 147 pounds and a reduction in opacity by several degrees. Eighty-six percent of partici...

McSweeney’s
• Audrey Farnsworth

America Kept Inviting Me to Her Birthday Party, But I Just Wanted to Take Her to the Hospital So She Can Get the Help She Sorely Needs

America kept on trying to get me to go to her birthday party. She does this every year, but this time it got really weird. She sent reminder after reminder, over and over again, that it was going to be her birthday soon, like, months in advance. “I’ve actually been celebrati...

McSweeney’s
• Mark Taylor

Why the Taco Bell Meal for Two Is the Only Economic Indicator That Matters

Every year, economists gather in conference rooms to debate inflation, interest rates, and the future of the American economy. Meanwhile, I can determine the health of the entire financial system in approximately six seconds by opening the Taco Bell app. If the Meal for Two ...

McSweeney’s
• Andrew Paul

I Don’t Know What I Expected at President Nyarlathotep’s Great American Shitshow, but Color Me Disappointed

“‘A total disappointment’: revelers face unbearable heat at Great American State Fair.” — The Guardian - - - I drove from Dubuque for this, you know. My remaining friends are all longtime Nyarlathotep supporters, and the ones still able to speak coherently always tell me my ...

McSweeney’s
• Tucker Nichols

USA: We Go Together Like…

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Tucker Nichols’s latest book, “Mostly Everything: The Art of Tucker Nichols” is available in our store.

McSweeney’s
• Tyler Gooch

Survival Tips for Anyone Currently Being Hunted by Joey Chestnut

Somehow he’s escaped containment. They were supposed to throw a burlap sack over Mr. Chestnut’s head, like they do when subduing an ostrich, and take him away once he’d finished the pile of hot dogs. But now he’s loose, and he’s picked up your scent. Here is what to do… Run ...

McSweeney’s
• Amanda Goble, Mary Heitkamp, and Delaney Gibbons

Which Founding Father Are You?

McSweeney’s
• Jack Loftus

The US Constitution Is for Simple Folk Still Burdened by the Belief That Words Have Meaning

“A bare majority of five justices, in an opinion written by Chief Justice John Roberts, held that the long-settled understanding of the 14th Amendment, adopted after the Civil War, makes a citizen of anyone born in the country, with very limited exceptions.” — The Associated...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

July 4th

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
• Andrea Ryan and Abby McLellan

On the Historical Significance of the Male Low Ponytail

Throughout American history, the male low ponytail has transformed ordinary men into leaders, shifting the outcomes of wars and upending cultural norms. Here, we explore the immense impact of this powerful hairstyle. 1776: George Washington first asked the question: Who says...

McSweeney’s
• Teddy Wayne

My Gen-Z Sitcom

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT We are in a hip neighborhood that is like Williamsburg circa 2003. The roommates are a “three-person couple polycule,” although in this case, there is no polyamory, because young people these days never have sex. TONY enters on his skateboard. He has...

McSweeney’s
• Ginny Hogan and Carlos Greaves

Democrats Need to Win Back Voters by Becoming Republicans

The following is an excerpt from our upcoming book, Obey In Advance: How to Survive and Thrive Under Authoritarianism by longtime McSweeney’s writer Ginny Hogan and McSweeney’s resident satirist Carlos Greaves. From how to stick your head in the sand to avoid thinking about ...

McSweeney’s
• Andrew Patrick Clark

How to Hustle Like a Tech Founder

Mind on the Grind Founders know how to grind. Grind on the job. Grind at the gym. Grind your spices in an authentic molcajete. Grind your own meat for a perfect blend of Chuck, Skirt, and Sirloin. Grind your teeth as you lie in bed at night. When your dentist gives you a ret...

McSweeney’s
• Kelley Greene

Reviews of New Food: Bush’s Rocket Pop Flavored Baked Beans

America. A country known for its natural beauty, rugged individualism, and unhinged portion sizes. In celebration of the States’ 250th birthday, Bush’s Beans dug deep within their bean-well to create the ultimate patriotic (pardon my French) accouterments: Rocket Pop Flavore...

McSweeney’s
• Jeremy Hooper

The Proper Level of Enthusiasm for a Parent During Camp Dropoff

Upon arriving at the bus stop, your sigh should be that of the wistful and forlorn, not like a convert stumbling upon God’s holy grille. When the curious ask your dear camper’s length of stay, “Eight weeks!” must glide out like a person accepting the growing-out of a bad hai...

McSweeney’s
• Talia Argondezzi

To Solve the Housing Crisis, We Simply Need to Build More Homes (Just Not in My Town)

I’m heartbroken that the housing needs of my fellow citizens are not being met at either the national or local level. It’s especially upsetting when the solution is so simple: build more houses. But my town, just so you know, is full. In fact, the last new building that was ...

McSweeney’s
• JiJi Lee

Wirecutter Headlines During the Revolutionary War

“We Tested 100 Quill Pens to Find the Best One for Writing the Declaration of Independence” “The British Cut Off Our Salt Supply. Here are Five Dupes to Use Instead” “Here’s the Unfussy Telescope We Used to Monitor Hessian Mercenaries During the Battle of Trenton” “Why We Lo...

McSweeney’s
• Sebastian Petrou Griffith

Thank You for Experiencing Ego Death at the Hands of Our Digital AI-Fueled Panopticon Application Software

Dear applicant, After five rounds of interviews, three personality evaluations, a lie-detector test, electroshock therapy, and a metaphysical ascension into the unconscious plane, we’ve decided to go with a candidate whose experience more closely aligns with the listed posit...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Persona Hatching

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

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McSweeney’s
• Dan McCoy

My Manic Pixie Dream Femme Fatale

Her legs went all the way up to the fringe of her babydoll dress. Presumably further than that, but that’s where the bright polka dots distracted me from theorizing. They clashed with her fuchsia parasol, still open indoors, and her bottle-tangerine hair, which cascaded from...

McSweeney’s
• Carlos Greaves

Vandalizing Washington, DC, Is a Crime—Unless You’re Overturning an Election

“President Donald Trump called Monday for those he accused of vandalizing the newly renovated, and now quickly deteriorating, Reflecting Pool on the National Mall to face serious criminal charges that could result in lengthy prison sentences.” — CNN - - - President Trump’s s...

McSweeney’s
• Lisa Zucker

Human Visibility Scale

15-Year-Old Girl: Fully visible
15-Year-Old Boy: In your face!

25-Year-Old Woman: Lookin’ good
25-Year-Old Man: Bro!

35-Year-Old Woman: Partially obscured
35-Year-Old Man: BRO!

45-Year-Old Woman: Oops, sorry, I didn’t see you there
45-Year-Old Man: Loud and clear

55-Year-Old Woman: Foggy
55-Year-Old Man: Still hangin’ in there!

65-Year-Old Woman: Translucent
65-Year-Old Man: How ’bout them Cubs?

75-Year-Old Woman: Invisible
75-Year-Old Man: You’re still around? Looking dapper, bro!

McSweeney’s
• Oskar Milton

The Seven Meanings of “Fine,” in Descending Order of Plausible Deniability

1. Excellent. Fine as in cabernet. Fine as in dovetail joinery. Fine as in your mother’s china. The original meaning is still technically available. At a dinner party, when Margaret uses fine this way—"the duck was fine"—the table pauses, scans her for irony, finds none, and...