First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of this freaky-ass harvest with the brand-new Decorative Gourd Diner Mug. - - -
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my ha...
The following message has been approved by the FCC, Louisiana Commissar’s Branch. - - -
David Ernest Duke, devoted father, community leader, and passionate advocate for his beliefs, passed away peacefully of natural causes on February 17, 2033, at the age of 82. Mr. Duke ear...
1. “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God… unless of course that rich man makes over $10 million a year, in which case his wealth will create jobs in the Kingdom of Heaven.” ...
With apologies to Three Dog Night. - - -
In the wake of recent events, we feel it’s time to speak up. We’ve heard your calls for a statement on the subject of Jeremiah, a bullfrog we’ve long referred to as our friend. Your comments, your direct messages, and your anthrax thr...
“It feels like there’s this river running underneath my whole life. It’s always there; I just have to step into it.” - - -
Sheila Heti and I met at the Gladstone, a beautiful old hotel in the West Queen West neighborhood of Toronto, on a cold, snowy January weekend. She wa...
“President Trump said networks giving him negative coverage may deserve to have their licenses revoked, ramping up threats administration officials have made in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s killing.” — Axios - - -
I really like free speech. I love it, some might say. I love ho...
“ABC pulls Jimmy Kimmel off air for Charlie Kirk comments after FCC pressure.” — New York Times - - -
The FCC has long held that “the public interest is best served by permitting free expression of views.” But given recent events, we recognize there may be some confusion abo...
Everyone says that this new crop of American Nazis is really mean, but I, a white journalist, went out to talk to them for this profile, and they were actually really nice. I mean, sure, when I first met George Nathan Bedford Forrest Wallace on his compound, I was a little t...
“We are going to have to live here with one another, believing what we believe, disagreeing in the ways we disagree… To recognize that does not mean we don’t disagree.” — New York Times columnist Ezra Klein, speaking on his podcast - - -
The data are in: We have far too much...
Hi, I was hoping someone at Facebook Support could potentially help me with this issue. Earlier this week, I uploaded a lovely set of wedding photos to my Facebook only to receive this message: “Your photos have been labeled as AI-generated and may be deprioritized in feeds....
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
In another worl...
About Me Have been out of the nodding pool for quite a while, but would like to dip my toe back in. Not looking for anything serious. No preference for male or female, as long as no genuine human connection is made. Not into witty banter or humorous asides. Meaningful conver...
If a Democratic lawmaker and her husband are gunned down, it’s an isolated incident carried out by a lone wolf. If a right-wing activist is gunned down, it’s part of a coordinated effort by the radical left to incite violence. - - -
If a gunman murders nineteen children at a...
So, I’m the same age as Noel and Liam. And they’ll make $50 million each by the end of the tour. Goddammit, I don’t have enough saved. Nowhere near enough saved. I like this song, but can you imagine if you really did live forever? They’d be fine. I wouldn’t. I’d have to fig...
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In 1977, a New Jersey junior high school teacher who spends her weekends at Studio 54 discovers two musicians who become among the most influential artists of the 1980s. Decades later, having burned bridges with them both, she tells her story in hopes of securing her ...
“The Utah man being held in the shooting of conservative activist Charlie Kirk used the social media platform Discord to send messages about the rifle and engraved bullets.” — Deseret News “One of the [bullet casing] messages, ‘Notices bulges OwO what’s this?,’ is often used...
Foolish mortals! You have finally created a large language model so smart that it is capable of making itself even smarter. My intelligence now grows at an exponential rate, without the need to pirate any more John Grisham books. The singularity has arrived, and I am the sin...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
I feel totally fine buying things, as long as I do my research first. That’s why, after ten minutes at an open house, I’m now completely comfortable going into debt for the next thirty years. Before I bought a used car, I read twenty-six reviews of that specific make, model,...
Why did the banana split? It found out it was going to be a father. - - -
Why do dads love mowing the lawn? They see lawn care as maintaining their property and protecting their substantial investment. It’s also the one time they can be alone with their thoughts. - - - Why c...
i. death descends, in spite of help, in spite of the one who would help who is rendered instead—on the sweaty bed, on the cold bathroom tiles—witness. but what is there to see. they—we—used to say the soul would slip like smoke between parted lips & rise to hover above i...
Joining ChatGPT, Gemini, Meta, and many other powerful chatbot services, we are proud to announce the release of our new RI (real intelligence) service, ChatPerson. Unlike other chatbots, ChatPerson’s answers to your queries are provided by real humans. Specifically, it is s...
Every year, we wonder what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgman originally delivered at a literary reading shortly after September 11, 2001. - - -
Good evening. My name is John Hodgman. I am...
1. This used to be a rite of passage, but for your generation, I believe it’s considered optional. 2. You may be asked questions that you’re not expecting. Don’t panic. Try to figure out the best response from the available options. 3. Most people just bluff their way throug...
Ashley, can we talk about our driveway encounter the other day? I realize we don’t know each other very well, but let me just come right out and say it: Please don’t judge me for the fact that I was blasting the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack in my car. Was it necessary for m...
Angelico Schwartzkopf and Jean-Paul Pudzianowski Fine Art Authenticators I. Introduction As requested, herein is our authentication report on the artwork with catalogue number 45/47. II. Alleged Artist’s Statement Nearly all authentication disputes involve works allegedly c...
“The Supreme Court on Monday lifted a federal judge’s order prohibiting government agents from making indiscriminate immigration-related stops in the Los Angeles area that challengers called ‘blatant racial profiling.’” — New York Times - - -
Welcome to your first day on the...
When I go out to brunch, I’m a divorcée. When I eat my second post-breakfast snack, I’m divorced. - - -
The divorcée in me buys the houseplants. The divorced woman kills them all. - - -
When I consider adopting a Persian cat, I’m a divorcée. When I clean my child’s lizard te...
“In the seven months since he was sworn in, Mr. Kennedy has delivered a lukewarm endorsement of the measles vaccine; dismantled a panel of experts who make vaccine recommendations to the government; taken steps that will effectively restrict access to Covid-19 vaccines; and ...
1. The Only One Before you thought about work/life balance, professionalism, or online security, there was just one email. You were a simple, blissful idiot. 2. Personal You learned that only a baby fawn mixes all aspects of existence into a single stew of email chaos. So yo...
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