“Your parents keep such a clean and tidy house. You’d never know they have kids.” “No thanks, I’ve seen enough YouTube. It’s a little passé at this point.” “Why don’t we pitch in and do our dishes while we’re here to show our appreciation for your parents’ hospitality?” “The...
“Olivia Nuzzi did it all for love. The former political journalist has written a combustive portrait of America, President Trump, and the scandal with Robert F. Kennedy Jr., that upended her career.” — New York Times - - -
1. “You cannot outrun your life on fire.” 2. “What y...
“With the end of the penny, is the clock ticking for the nickel?” — CNN - - -
It keeps replaying in my head. It was a normal morning at a normal time, maybe ten, maybe ten-fifteen, and we were all settling down to work. People were making jokes the way they always did, “keep...
ME: Bluetooth, are you connected to something right now? BLUETOOTH: Yes! All connections made. ME: What’s connected? BLUETOOTH: Let me do a system check. WIFE (from kitchen): IS THAT PORNOGRAPHY? WHY IS THE BEATS PILL MOANING? BLUETOOTH: Systems check complete. Status: stabl...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
Everyone’s got their thing. For some, it’s baking. Others, gardening. Me? I like to take a modified Honda Accord, drive over 100 mph, and swerve between cars, almost killing entire families, babies, men, women, whoever. That’s my thing. Gets my balls rolling. Sometimes I’ll ...
4:50 a.m. — Carmen arrives at the airport for her 6:15 a.m. flight. 4:53 a.m. — Carmen heads to security early, because she doesn’t have TSA PreCheck, CLEAR, or the subscription service where a man in a suit carries you, piggyback, to the front of the line. 5:03 a.m. — Carme...
You know me as the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. Over the past three years, I’ve tried changing the system from within. I’ve written increasingly urgent court opinions. I’ve even deployed symbolism. For President Trump’s second inauguration, I wore a massi...
PART I THE BELIEVER: You’ve been in the poetry and publishing worlds for some thirty years now. What changes have you seen in that time? KEVIN YOUNG: I think poetry itself has broadened and deepened. What I see, having edited The New Yorker anthology, is the way that poetry...
It’s been so long, you sometimes forget that eventually, IT will HAPPEN. It’s impossible to say when IT will HAPPEN. But it can’t be too long until IT HAPPENS. Looking at the data (age, high-stress job, cardiac history), it is statistically plausible that IT will HAPPEN in t...
The time? High summer. The place? Binghamton, New York. My husband and I were there for a two-week stint, and though we weren’t native to the place, we were growing restless. Our Airbnb seemed haunted, with its framed photos of people that looked like ghosts and a decorating...
Senators, please get OUT of my uterus so my friend Brynn, who is almost finished with nursing school, can get in there STAT. My body doesn’t need to produce a child just because it can. Focus on other ways to ruin the country, and let Brynn and the internet give me Life of a...
The time? High summer. The place? Binghamton, New York. My husband and I were there for a two-week stint, and though we weren’t native to the place, we were growing restless. Our Airbnb seemed haunted, with its framed photos of people that looked like ghosts and a decorating...
I love my job. I make a great salary, there’s a clear path to promotion, and a never-ending supply of cold brew in the office. And even though my job requires me to commit sociopathic acts of evil that directly contribute to making the world a measurably worse place from Mon...
“Trump introduced a new idea to tackle home affordability: a 50-year mortgage loan. Federal Housing Finance Agency Director Bill Pulte called the proposal “a complete game changer.” … but many housing experts warn the plan could backfire, raising the cost of homeownership by...
“Eight senators in the Democratic caucus broke with the party late Sunday to vote with Republicans and advance legislation to end the government shutdown.” — New York Times - - -
Great news, everybody: We finally got them to agree to the deal they wanted in the first place, ...
DAY 1 The secret police appear at my door and drag me from my apartment. “What about my desert island discs?” I shout, thinking this will get a laugh. A rag soaked in ether is stuffed in my mouth, and a baton hits me in the back of the head, hard.
DAY 1 (CONT.) I am forced...
“less than a week after voters loudly repudiated Trump, how are Senate Democrats—including minority leader Chuck Schumer—responding? By negotiating a shutdown deal with Republicans that will give Trump almost everything he wants, entrench the GOP’s austerity budget, and deep...
This letter is to inform you (the author) that your intellectual property (middle school diary) has officially entered the public domain due to your failure to secure a copyright for these works. What does this mean for you? Essentially, the materials you authored from sixth...
Other than lawsuits, losing track of a child is every school district’s worst nightmare. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but an EdTech company has painted a compelling picture of this as a possible future problem that can be pre-solved with EdTech. Therefore, we’re pleased to in...
“Jeff Bezos says the future is so bright, he doesn’t see how anybody can be discouraged who is alive right now… ‘In the next couple of decades, there will be millions of people living in space. That’s how fast this is going to accelerate,’ he said.” — Yahoo Tech - - -
If you...
One Bidoon father’s all-consuming and occasionally illegal efforts to assemble the perfect personal library. - - -
When it came to books, my father had absolutely no shame. On his first day at the ten-day Kuwait International Book Fair, he’d pile stacks of books at a publi...
“New York millionaires are plotting their exit from the city after the election of Zohran Mamdani, the socialist who plans to increase the taxes of the rich.” —The Telegraph - - -
Well, looks like the unthinkable has happened—Zohran Mamdani will be the next mayor of New Yor...
Answer all questions in the form of a song title. 1. The Rob Base Postulate Given that a number greater than 1(x) is required to make a thing go right, and that the exact equal number (y) is necessary to make it out of sight (x = y), what is the minimum whole number required...
As we all know, the worst part about eating pizza is how the cheese gets stuck to the insides of your pockets. I can’t tell you how many good pairs of slacks I’ve ruined just because I love pizza and I lead an on-the-go lifestyle. Like most people, I eat pizza every single d...
“I’m skeptical. The odds are that Mamdani’s victory is actually less significant than you think.” — Ross Douthat, New York Times - - -
I was as surprised as anyone about the election results. The polls were a little too unified, so obviously, I assumed it was a conspiracy. B...
Kathy is a soon-to-be-retired small animal veterinarian in the greater Des Moines area. She was once reviewed as a top veterinarian for rats on a local rat forum. In her office, she has a preserved dog heart suspended in fluid filled with heartworm. She once gave this heart ...
No, of course we appreciate the gesture. It’s just that, well, this menu is a little inconsiderate. Sure, all these loaves of bread, that’s very impressive, coming out of thin air and whatnot. The thing is, though, we’re gluten free. Before you ask, no, this isn’t a Celiac t...
I opened this café with the best of intentions: to provide a salon par excellence with a focus on good food and live entertainment, a third place to relax and slow down against the rising tide of modernity. A space where one might, after a long day of work, sip a drink, nibb...
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