Due to the overwhelming number of anticipated brawls this Thanksgiving, we decided to streamline your day with an Official Family Thanksgiving Fight Schedule. This is a double-elimination tournament that will abide by UFC rules.1 MOM vs. GRANDMA 1:00 p.m. / Living Room This ...
REPORTER: I’m here live with Uncle Bill just moments after Thanksgiving dinner. Bill, can you walk us through what happened tonight? UNCLE BILL: Sure, I mean, obviously, I’m not happy with the result. Before we took our places, I was informed I’d be sitting at the kids’ tabl...
“President Donald Trump on Wednesday sought to bring a swift end to perhaps the most damaging saga of his term, signing a measure compelling the release of the Epstein files after losing a monthslong, tooth-and-nail fight to prevent their disclosure.” – CNN - - -
Congress fi...
Here’s how this is gonna go: First, you will step up to the rental counter only when I give you The Look. The Look is not markedly different from my resting face. In fact, it’s no different at all. But it’s your job to recognize The Look, so pay attention. If, upon your turn...
Making popcorn again, huh, Snoopy? Keep it up. Sounds like pure nostalgia, especially with the way this year’s been going. I bet Linus would’ve called those popping kernels “little pangs of painful joy,” or something equally poetic, but of course, he’s not coming this year. ...
I’ve been bred fine, Mr. President. Finer than the rest. When the light comes up over the pens, it strikes my feathers like a torch, and I know it is not the sun but the world itself come to see me. They say a bird cannot understand destiny, but they never met a bird with mi...
I’ve been bred fine, Mr. President. Finer than the rest. When the light comes up over the pens, it strikes my feathers like a torch, and I know it is not the sun but the world itself come to see me. They say a bird cannot understand destiny, but they never met a bird with mi...
Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmother’s house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow. Over the river and through the screens Then stuck at security I’ve been patted down and thrown to the ground Due to my lithium bat...
Dear colleagues, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m officially done saying sorry. As a woman, I feel the flippant use and misuse of this word gives away my power, if that makes any sense. If you have any free time this week or next, or even in the next coup...
A quarterly column, steady as ever. - - -
Books read: Love’s Labour: How We Break and Make the Bonds of Love—Stephen Grosz Affairs: True Stories of Love, Lies, Hope and Desire—Juliet Rosenfeld The Light Years—Elizabeth Jane Howard Books bought: Working the Room: Essays and ...
1. There’s a turkey neck situation. 2. Is it four thousand degrees in the kitchen, or is it just you? 3. You love your family, but you also wish they’d leave you alone so you can watch Gilmore Girls and eat mashed potatoes. 4. You’re so bloated that you feel like a float in ...
Who dares enter my domain!? Don’t you know who I am? You think a lowly peon such as yourself is worthy of my precious time? Because, jeez Louise, I am absolutely slammed right now. Tremble before me: I am the judge, jury, and executioner! I could slap a death sentence on you...
“President Trump assailed an American journalist in the Oval Office on Tuesday for asking Saudi Arabia’s crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, about the violent death of a Washington Post columnist at the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul in 2018. ‘You don’t have to embarrass our gue...
“Your parents keep such a clean and tidy house. You’d never know they have kids.” “No thanks, I’ve seen enough YouTube. It’s a little passé at this point.” “Why don’t we pitch in and do our dishes while we’re here to show our appreciation for your parents’ hospitality?” “The...
“Olivia Nuzzi did it all for love. The former political journalist has written a combustive portrait of America, President Trump, and the scandal with Robert F. Kennedy Jr., that upended her career.” — New York Times - - -
1. “You cannot outrun your life on fire.” 2. “What y...
“With the end of the penny, is the clock ticking for the nickel?” — CNN - - -
It keeps replaying in my head. It was a normal morning at a normal time, maybe ten, maybe ten-fifteen, and we were all settling down to work. People were making jokes the way they always did, “keep...
ME: Bluetooth, are you connected to something right now? BLUETOOTH: Yes! All connections made. ME: What’s connected? BLUETOOTH: Let me do a system check. WIFE (from kitchen): IS THAT PORNOGRAPHY? WHY IS THE BEATS PILL MOANING? BLUETOOTH: Systems check complete. Status: stabl...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
Everyone’s got their thing. For some, it’s baking. Others, gardening. Me? I like to take a modified Honda Accord, drive over 100 mph, and swerve between cars, almost killing entire families, babies, men, women, whoever. That’s my thing. Gets my balls rolling. Sometimes I’ll ...
4:50 a.m. — Carmen arrives at the airport for her 6:15 a.m. flight. 4:53 a.m. — Carmen heads to security early, because she doesn’t have TSA PreCheck, CLEAR, or the subscription service where a man in a suit carries you, piggyback, to the front of the line. 5:03 a.m. — Carme...
You know me as the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. Over the past three years, I’ve tried changing the system from within. I’ve written increasingly urgent court opinions. I’ve even deployed symbolism. For President Trump’s second inauguration, I wore a massi...
PART I THE BELIEVER: You’ve been in the poetry and publishing worlds for some thirty years now. What changes have you seen in that time? KEVIN YOUNG: I think poetry itself has broadened and deepened. What I see, having edited The New Yorker anthology, is the way that poetry...
It’s been so long, you sometimes forget that eventually, IT will HAPPEN. It’s impossible to say when IT will HAPPEN. But it can’t be too long until IT HAPPENS. Looking at the data (age, high-stress job, cardiac history), it is statistically plausible that IT will HAPPEN in t...
The time? High summer. The place? Binghamton, New York. My husband and I were there for a two-week stint, and though we weren’t native to the place, we were growing restless. Our Airbnb seemed haunted, with its framed photos of people that looked like ghosts and a decorating...
Senators, please get OUT of my uterus so my friend Brynn, who is almost finished with nursing school, can get in there STAT. My body doesn’t need to produce a child just because it can. Focus on other ways to ruin the country, and let Brynn and the internet give me Life of a...
The time? High summer. The place? Binghamton, New York. My husband and I were there for a two-week stint, and though we weren’t native to the place, we were growing restless. Our Airbnb seemed haunted, with its framed photos of people that looked like ghosts and a decorating...
I love my job. I make a great salary, there’s a clear path to promotion, and a never-ending supply of cold brew in the office. And even though my job requires me to commit sociopathic acts of evil that directly contribute to making the world a measurably worse place from Mon...
“Trump introduced a new idea to tackle home affordability: a 50-year mortgage loan. Federal Housing Finance Agency Director Bill Pulte called the proposal “a complete game changer.” … but many housing experts warn the plan could backfire, raising the cost of homeownership by...
“Eight senators in the Democratic caucus broke with the party late Sunday to vote with Republicans and advance legislation to end the government shutdown.” — New York Times - - -
Great news, everybody: We finally got them to agree to the deal they wanted in the first place, ...
DAY 1 The secret police appear at my door and drag me from my apartment. “What about my desert island discs?” I shout, thinking this will get a laugh. A rag soaked in ether is stuffed in my mouth, and a baton hits me in the back of the head, hard.
DAY 1 (CONT.) I am forced...
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