FeedCity: McSweeney’s

McSweeney’s
16 Jan 19:06 • Emily Stearney

These Deep-Sea Creatures Liked You on Hinge

Black seadevil anglerfish Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead. Don’t hate me if I: Latch on to you and permanently fuse to yo...

McSweeney’s
16 Jan 15:16 • Audrey Burges

I Will Be Your Chief Executive Worrier

In these uncertain times, you need a steady hand at the wheel. An unblinking beacon of sure-footed decisiveness. A fearless, damn-the-torpedoes leader who will flawlessly accomplish every goal. You don’t have that person. But good news: You have me, a uniquely well-qualified...

McSweeney’s
15 Jan 19:06 • Kasey Butcher Santana

Wine Mom Gang Meeting Minutes

“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents is not civil disobedience. It isn’t even protest. It’s just crime.” — David Marcus, writing in an op-ed for FoxNews.com ...

McSweeney’s
15 Jan 14:39 • Chris Davis

Hi, I’m the Guy Who Gets in the Straight Lane and Then Merges into the Turn Lane Just to Avoid Traffic

Hi, my name’s Kyle. Yes, I get in whatever lane has fewer cars and then merge. I merge late so others can practice forgiveness. I don’t see it as cutting someone off. I see it as giving them a spiritual workout. Merging, to me, is faith in motion. When I flick on my blinker,...

McSweeney’s
14 Jan 19:03 • Carlos Greaves

We Support Protesting Against Any Authoritarian Government Except Our Own

"President Trump called on Iranians on Tuesday to keep protesting against their government and warned that those responsible for killing demonstrators would ‘pay a big price.’” — New York Times “Donald Trump branded anti-ICE protests in Minnesota ‘fake riots,’ aired a crass ...

McSweeney’s
14 Jan 15:15 • Taylor Harris

When We Didn’t Know

You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - - I sent an Inst...

McSweeney’s
14 Jan 15:15 • Kate Chrisman and Alice M. Phillips

We Are Ending the War on Protein

“WE ARE ENDING THE WAR ON PROTEIN.” — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Instagram, 1/11/26 - - - In service of our mission to Make America Healthy Again, we are taking decisive action to end our country’s most protracted, most expensive, and mos...

McSweeney’s
13 Jan 19:06 • Jack Loftus

Richard Scarry’s What Do People Do All Day in Fascist Busytown?

Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town! In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything run smoothly. When everything runs smoothly, no one has to ask questions. Working also keeps Fascist Busytown safe. Safety is imp...

McSweeney’s
13 Jan 15:15 • Chandler Dean

Necessary Prerequisites for Having a Baby

So you want to have a baby. That’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life. And with it comes an endless list of to-dos, supply needs, and pointers to make sure you don’t screw up this kid’s childhood. But before you get to any of that, have you double-checked tha...

McSweeney’s
12 Jan 19:06 • Matthew Thiele

Sorry Ladies, the Foreskin Tactical Hoodie Is Only for Men

The Foreskin Tactical Hoodie is the antithesis of all things feminine and female. It comes in black, brown, and olive green. It does not come in fuchsia, lilac, or ecru. It is perfect for outdoorsmen and army-man dress-up parties. It is not for doing stuff women normally do,...

McSweeney’s
12 Jan 14:21 • Johanna Gohmann

Welcome to Blast Zone 66

Welcome to Blast Zone 66, Brooklyn’s ultimate adventure gym/future site of a grim 20/20 news segment. We’re the only place in the city where you can pay between $63-$74 to watch your children come perilously close to spinal injuries and hepatitis A—all to the booming hits of...

McSweeney’s
09 Jan 20:06 • Tiffany Harris

Sneezes, Ranked

1. The Silent Convulsion The gold standard. A violent bodily shudder contained entirely within the torso. No noise or spray. Just a brief, grimace-induced aneurysm. You are a person of discipline. You would do well in a gulag. 2. The Double One to loosen the debris, one to ...

McSweeney’s
09 Jan 14:12 • Andrew Patrick Clark

How to Live Forever: A Biohacker Q&A

How do I live longer? Stress is a leading cause of early death. Avoid stress by spending every single day thinking about what you need to do to not die. If that doesn’t work, try meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remember that each second of meditation is a...

McSweeney’s
08 Jan 23:03 • Gail Mackenzie-Smith

What You’re Watching Isn’t What You’re Really Watching

“Federal and local officials dispute the circumstances that led an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer to fatally shoot a 37-year-old woman in Minneapolis on Wednesday” — NPR You think you’re watching a woman being shot in the face by an ICE agent, but what you’re re...

McSweeney’s
08 Jan 18:24 • Joe Kleinschmidt

God, I Cannot Wait to Overcomplicate This Spreadsheet

Power on your PCs, my gentle users, because I just found a fresh Excel file to overcomplicate. Hoo boy, I can’t wait to rework every cell of “Company Staffing.xlsx.” Most peons at this company think a spreadsheet is just a tool to create a budget. Not me. Not us. You see, th...

McSweeney’s
08 Jan 12:42 • Ross Murray

Future Canadian Resistance Tactics

“We need to prepare for the possibility that the U.S. uses military coercion against Canada.” — Headline from op-ed in The Globe and Mail. - - - Jamming vital infrastructure with Anne of Green Gables souvenirs Giving birth to future resistance fighters without taking on crip...

McSweeney’s
07 Jan 20:06 • Karen Scholl

Drafts of My Dog’s New Year’s Resolution

V1: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box. V2: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box before breakfast. V3: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box when company is over. V4: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box when Grandma, who doesn’t like dogs, is over. ...

McSweeney’s
07 Jan 15:09 • Dan Treadway

Let’s Fucking GOOOOOOOOOO! (by Lockheed Martin)

“Shares in the world’s leading defense contractor, Lockheed Martin, rose 3.5 percent on the opening of trading as the market rushed to buy into defense stocks in the wake of recent events in Venezuela.” — The Motley Fool - - - Bro, bro, bo, bro, BRO—we are SO FUCKING BACK. W...

McSweeney’s
07 Jan 01:39 • Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

A White House Lackey Explains the Many Complex Reasons for the United States’ Invasion of Venezuela

In the early hours of January 3, 2026, President Trump ordered U.S. armed forces to conduct a targeted military operation in Venezuela that resulted in the detention and extradition of its leader, Nicolás Maduro. This followed years of escalating concern over Venezuela’s rol...

McSweeney’s
06 Jan 20:06 • Yoram Ong

The Best Time to Get Your Life Together Was Five Years Ago, According to Everyone Who Knows You

A comprehensive new survey has concluded that the ideal moment for you to have gotten your life together was roughly five years ago. Not now, not next year, not after one more reset or reinvention, but a very specific window in the past when you were already tired but still ...

McSweeney’s
06 Jan 14:57 • Carlos Greaves

A Debate on the January 6th Insurrection Between Fox News Host Jeanine Pirro and U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro

Note: All of Jeanine Pirro’s dialogue below is taken from statements she has made on the record and accurately reflects the spirit in which they were delivered. - - - MODERATOR: It’s the anniversary of the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol, and although five years have pa...

McSweeney’s
06 Jan 02:06 • Chandler Dean

I Am a Disappointed Zohran Mamdani Voter Who Was Told New York Would Descend into Chaos

Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped. As an avid reader of the New York Post, the New York Post’s X feed, and transcripts of several-minute-long voice memos from my relatives who have never lived in New York and will never live in ...

McSweeney’s
05 Jan 19:36 • Melissa K. Harr

Thirty-Two Bird Names I Would Contribute If I Were an Ornithologist

1. Johnson’s Thrush
2. Brown Jumping Quaff
3. Pandora’s Baffle
4. Yellow-Eared Tiegslider
5. Jaundiced Terpsichore
6. Pink-Bellied Sneech Destroyer
7. Very Normal Bird #9
8. Grouch-Throated Arabesque
9. McQueeqy-McSqueeg
10. Brown Jumping Quaff Goes to London
11. Pink-Footed Trumpole
12. Roy
13. Jamaican Cat Dodger
14. Sartorial Eumonia
15. Brown Jumping Quaff Visits Sailor Moon
16. Gnostic Speed Warbler
17. Ryan’s Reynold
18. Threecan
19. Vermilion-Spotted Mandora
20. Lacy-Footed Tristesse
21. McSqueegy-McQueeg
22. Reticulated Thong Snatcher
23. Very Normal Bird #86
24. Thomason’s Hornbill
25. Brown Jumping Quaff and the Wrath of Piet Mondrian
26. Rumpole’s Ordinal
27. Eastern Cloudmonger
28. Tit-Licking Fump Rucker
29. Feathers McGee
30. Get Down from There
31. Show Me the Money
32. Jack

McSweeney’s
05 Jan 13:54 • Eli Grober

This Corrupt Dictator Has Been Running His Country into the Ground for Years, and Now He’s Invading Venezuela

As you’ve probably heard, a corrupt authoritarian president has been destroying his country for over a decade—and as of this weekend, he decided to invade Venezuela. But just who is this political criminal? If you’re just catching up, here’s what you should know: He’s a desp...

McSweeney’s
31 Dec 15:15 • Mike Drucker

Voting for the Mayor Who Promised to Blow Up the City Doesn’t Mean I Approve of the Mayor Blowing Up the City

Our 2nd most-read article of 2025. - - - It’s so easy to label people these days. From the way folks have been talking, you’d think everyone falls into two buckets: those who voted against the mayor who promised to blow up the city and those who voted for the mayor who prom...

McSweeney’s
30 Dec 18:30 • Wendi Aarons and Johanna Gohmann

Unsung Heroes of Motherhood

Our 3rd most-read article of 2025. - - - Originally published May 9, 2025. - - - Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor water park. After nearly swallowing a wet Band-Aid in the wave pool, Owens—in a show of ...

McSweeney’s
29 Dec 21:03 • Megan Neary

Did You Even Consider Every Possible Lived Experience Before Recklessly Posting Your Chili Recipe on Social Media?

Our 8th most-read article of 2025. - - - Look, I get it. You thought what you posted was innocuous. Still, did you stop to think about everyone who has ever lived and how it could make them feel? I know, I know—all you did was share your chili recipe, but did you consider t...

McSweeney’s
27 Dec 20:21 • Lia Woodward and Leah Folta

This Five-Hundred-Word Bumper Sticker on My Tesla Explains Why I’m Not a Bad Person

Our 17th most-read article of 2025. - - - Originally published April 25, 2025. - - - Right now, you’re behind me, within reading distance on the freeway, at the stoplight, in the parking lot, maybe in the drive-thru line, or perhaps in my very own driveway (anywhere but a g...

McSweeney’s
26 Dec 14:27 • Various McSweeney's Contributors

Our 25 Most-Read Pieces of 2025

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We’re counting down our most-read pieces of 2025. This list will be updated daily until we reach #1 on December 31. Thanks to all our contributors, readers, and supporters this year!

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25. I’m a German Citizen in 1933, and Is It Just Me or Is It Really Hard to Get Any Work Done Right Now?
by Lia Woodward and Leah Folta

24. Escape Room Challenge: Your European Airbnb
by Juliana Gray

23. The Problem with My City Is That It’s a City
by Devin Wallace

22. New York Times’ Style Guide Substitutions for ‘The President Violated the Constitution’
by Carlos Greaves

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McSweeney’s
24 Dec 19:06 • Andrea Cavedo

I’m the High Note in “O Holy Night,” and I’m Ready to Hijack Your Christmas Eve Service

It’s that magical time of year again. Candles and poinsettias decorate every surface, small children are dressed as sheep, angels are telling people to “Fear not.” So, really, with Christmas just hours away, what do any of us have to fear? Me, bitch. I’m the high A flat at t...