What time is kickoff? The Bad Bunny concert kicks off around 8:00 or 8:30 p.m., but there will be pre-concert entertainment starting at 6:30 p.m. from one group called the “New England Patriots” and another called the “Seattle Seahawks.” Will I still be able to enjoy the Bad...
At long last, the legendary 7-Eleven Japanese-style egg salad sandwich has landed in the USA. A creation on par with Tamagotchi and the rice cooker. Praised and craved by American tourists, teenage weebs, and coworkers who take any opportunity to bring up their recent trip t...
Look upon me, for I am the baby staring at you from the hollow gap betwixt two airplane seats, and I know when you are going to die. Do not turn away from my stare. To look away is to ignore, and to ignore is to rob yourself of knowledge. Gaze into the deep well of my light-...
“If I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein.” — Elon Musk, dismissing the emails between him and notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein that were part of the latest E...
“The $170 billion price tag for immigration enforcement eclipses other law enforcement expenditures at the federal, state, and local level…. The law substantially increases funds for deportations without providing any money to make the system more fair or functional.” — The ...
Wendy lit the stove to heat a pot of tomato soup. She turned to grab a wooden spoon and gasped. Two little girls in smocked dresses stood in the doorway. “Come play with us,” one said. “I’m making lunch,” Wendy whispered. “We want you to play with us,” the other girl said. T...
This letter is to inform you that your career aptitude test evaluation is complete. Your recommended career: Bridge Troll. Here at the Career Aptitude Institute, we evaluate thousands of tests each year from students all over the country. In the entire history of our organiz...
“Responding to videos that suggested their son [V.A. nurse Alex Pretti, who was killed by federal immigration agents] was a ‘domestic terrorist,’ Pretti’s family said: ‘The sickening lies told about our son by the administration are reprehensible and disgusting.’” — BBC - - ...
Why the hell did he save so many Funko Pops? “Dr. Ian Malcolm with His Shirt Open.” “Homer Simpson in a Muumuu.” He’s got two Green Power Rangers, one with the Dragon Dagger and one without. A lot of these say COMIC-CON EXCLUSIVE, which probably makes them more valuable? Alt...
Hey, patriot. It’s been a week. As ICE spreads terror through the streets, and Teacup Eichmann presided over the murder of yet another innocent civilian in Minneapolis (bringing this year’s known death toll up to eight), I know a lot of you are struggling to recognize me lat...
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A series of essential advice. - - -
The first time I tried to ski was a catastrophe. I’ve always been unathletic and clumsy, the kind of person who hates being cold, hates waking up early, hates going fast, hates excessive gear, and generally has a bad attitude. Nonet...
QUESTION: Sally wants to graduate from college, establish a career, marry an ideal partner, buy a home, and have a baby by age 27.5, the national average age for women to give birth in the US, and a peak time of fertility. If she takes a gap year to backpack around Europe, w...
After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours. I realize that my late-’80s construction might not land me in the “trendin...
I’m obviously acting the same as I’ve always acted, and nothing about me has changed. I FEEL FINE WEARING A HENLEY, SO THERE IS NO NEED TO LOOK AT ME. I’m confident enough to wear it. I just have to feel confident, and I’ll be confident. Does my right shoulder seem lower tha...
Thank you so much for helping us welcome our new baby into the world. We’ve done a thesis amount of research as first-time parents, so here’s an overview of what we’d love from family and friends, and what we’re prepared to return or donate. It’s adorable how the baby—not us...
Take your time. You have to eat the whole cake, but you don’t have to eat it all in thirty seconds. A sitting can take as long as you need. Pacing yourself will reduce the risk of choking. Do the smart thing and slow down while you eat the entire cake off a cake stand, top ...
“[Nvidia CEO] Jensen Huang Is Begging You to Stop Being So Negative About AI” — Headline from Gizmodo
- - — Guys, enough is enough. Bullying is a serious issue, and it’s time for me to speak out. There’s an extremely hurtful narrative going around that my product, a revolut...
Jawn (/jôn/) A term used by New York transplants to pander to locals and/or cynically promote their recently opened boutique, restaurant, or bakery. “Come celebrate the grand opening of our new French-Belgian infusion cafe on Shunk. We’re calling it Merde Jawn.” Parking Spac...
Dear Customers: Some humans (I think? Hard to tell) in masks and vests showed up this morning and took Manny and Kumal away. As you may have noticed, those two were the only staff—despite this place being open from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., truly lazy, shiftless drains on society, ...
“Even as videos emerged that contradicted the government’s account, the Trump administration was in a race to control the narrative around the killing of Mr. Pretti, a registered nurse with no criminal record who was pinned down when immigration agents opened fire and killed...
“House Majority Whip Tom Emmer, R-Minn., slammed Minnesota state leaders after anti-Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agitators disrupted a church service in St. Paul… Emmer speculated many of the agitators were ‘chaos agents’ or paid protesters, adding that he belie...
1. Problem: The story you are writing has plot holes. Solution: Unreliable narrator. - - -
2. Problem: The story you are writing has severe, glaring plot holes. Solution: Unreliable narrator with amnesia. - - -
3. Problem: Even an unreliable narrator with amnesia can’t expla...
“In a free-wheeling speech to world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, President Trump…touched on his desire to obtain Greenland from Denmark…, America’s contribution to Nato, and wind energy in China.” —BBC - - -
Fellow knights, I have traveled a gre...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
This market will resolve to “Yes” if the world ends before December 31, 2026, 11:59 PM ET. Otherwise, this market will resolve to “No.” Note that personal tragedy will not cause this market to resolve to “Yes,” no matter how disruptive it is to your daily life or sense of we...
“By making any Member Content available through the Site or Services, you hereby grant to Academia.edu a worldwide, irrevocable, royalty-free, non-exclusive, transferable license to exercise any and all rights under copyright, in any medium… including the generation and host...
“In a text message over the weekend, President Trump told Jonas Gahr Store, Norway’s prime minister, that since being denied the Nobel Peace Prize, he no longer felt obliged to ‘think purely of Peace.’” — New York Times - - -
Mayor McCheese, Sad to write this, very sad, but ...
“As support for abolishing ICE grows among Democratic voters, party leadership continues to argue for reform instead.” —Salon - - -
The Delegation to the Wall When word reached King’s Landing that the dead were stirring beyond the Wall, the brave Democrats of the Seven Kingd...
It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing on top of a wobbly fifteen-foot ladder, dusting a chandelier with an old TV Guide. “It’s fine,” she yells, “I’ve been doing thi...
Originally published January 17, 2025. - - -
1. “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But by all means, keep moving.” 2. “Why would Kim Jong Un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat’? Oh w...
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