Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
RED FLAG: He sometimes has to work late and Q4 is his busy season. GREEN FLAG: His full-time job is directing the local middle school Christmas pageant, which takes up only two hours every Tuesday, November to mid-December. - - -
RED FLAG: He wears bespoke suits and flashy P...
Dancing was the first step to falling in love, and falling in love was the first step to lying down in tandem. Not soon after Elizabeth had persuaded Mr. Darcy to join her in a Scotch reel, were they flushed from exertion; their bodies vexed with desire. Elizabeth had wanted...
Dancing was the first step to falling in love, and falling in love was the first step to lying down in tandem. Not soon after Elizabeth had persuaded Mr. Darcy to join her in a Scotch reel, were they flushed from exertion; their bodies vexed with desire. Elizabeth had wanted...
You’ve probably heard about the first time this happened to me. You know: guy goes to sleep, wakes up as a giant bug, freaks out his family, worries about losing his job, and his dad throws an apple at him. It’s a tale as old as time. And, I’m not going to lie, it was a huge...
Nun Player and their primary partner date solo, but tell each other everything.
Gimmel Player and their primary partner date together, but only one is happy about the arrangement.
Hey Player and their primary partner date solo. No one’s thrilled about it, but it’s the only way they can maintain the appearance of a happy marriage that hasn’t been sexually satisfying in years. Still, it’s the suburbs, and people talk.
Shin Player and their primary partner say they’re taking a break from it all while their kid applies to colleges, but are both secretly sleeping with the bi neighbor who sees the same couple’s counselor with her own wife, who is unaware that she has been having an affair with the non-binary spouse of her synagogue’s queer Deadhead cantor for sixteen years.
Sixty years ago, A Charlie Brown Christmas made its debut on CBS. Today, as part of CBS’s new initiative to modernize content, CBS Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss updates this Christmas classic. - - -
Charlie Brown and Linus lean on a brick wall. Snowflakes fall around them. CHA...
Still Life with Plaster Head, 1947 by Vanessa Bell. Oil on board. 53.5 44.5 cm. Estate of Vanessa Bell. All rights reserved, DACS 2025. - - -
The artist, long dismissed for her domestic interpretation of modernism, is finally getting her due. But can her queer arcadia be ...
Honestly, I don’t know to whom this letter is directed. God? Harvard? (I’m taking a deep, strengthening breath here) Will Hunting himself? My employer-provided therapist told me to do this, and the university committee says to do whatever she says. For many years now, I have...
“Secretary of State Marco Rubio called the Biden-era move to [Calibri] ‘wasteful,’ casting the return to Times New Roman as part of a push to stamp out diversity efforts.” — New York Times - - -
I used to be the default. The king. Then things changed. So now it’s time to do ...
Several women share bottomless mimosas somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. MARY 1: I slammed the screen door, and the first thing he said was he hated being alone, and we weren’t that young anymore. I said, “Get off my porch.” Then he said, “You ain’t a beauty, but hey, you’r...
As your Santa, it is my right to run the North Pole exactly how I want to, and I have to say, it’s about time we made some changes to this dump. And believe me, there is no bigger problem than a lack of space to throw holiday ragers. Therefore, I am exercising my full author...
A sad but true story. - - -
Ms. Johnson’s fiancé left her at the altar. According to legend, that’s why she was so mean. I never got it. As a shy child, nobody realized I needed glasses until 5th grade. Most teachers, including Ms. Johnson, thought I was an idiot. I once g...
“MAHA for airports: Trump officials pitch mini-gyms, more play areas.” —Washington Post - - -
Hello, travelers. I’m the airport’s shiny new pull-up bar, and I’m ushering in a bold era of aviation wellness absolutely no one asked for. As my boys, Transportation Secretary Sea...
1. To look something up quickly and then spend twenty minutes fact-checking the AI summary, only to find out that it was absolutely wrong. 2. To search for directions and two hours later end up with five items in your Amazon cart. 3. To receive results as ten-second videos t...
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INVICTA GAMES, LTD. Packaging Team — Official Minutes Project: Mastermind / New Cover Presentation MARTIN SMITH (Marketing Senior Vice President): Okay. Gary’s got a new cover comp. Gary, walk us through your vision. GARY LARKIN (Design Lead): Right. Here it is. Bla...
“A federal vaccine committee took a major step toward Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s goal of remaking the childhood vaccine schedule, voting to end a decades-long recommendation that all newborns be immunized at birth against hepatitis B, a highly infectious virus ...
Season’s Greetings from the Mortons! We know many of you look forward to opening your mailbox each December to receive the Morton annual Christmas card and extensive family newsletter. It brings us no good tidings to let you know that we’ve made the difficult decision to pay...
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A few pieces of creative advice shared by Debbie Harry: You can’t please everyone all the time You can never make a big enough fool of yourself Use the perspective you’ve earned - - -
As my plans to interview Debbie Harry and Chris Stein of Blondie for The Believer ...
SYNOPSIS High school is no picnic for anyone, but especially if you’re one of Shakespeare’s most iconic leading men. Hamlet might be the big man on campus, but that doesn’t mean he’s got it all figured out. This drama puts a much-needed spin on a classic by imagining a world...
For several centuries, Santa Claus has been one of the most prolific mythical gift-givers in the world. Formerly known as Saint Nicholas of Myra, a man whose works included reviving the bodies of three children slain by a serial murderer, Santa Claus reinvented himself in th...
Dear Soft Millennial Man, You’ve been quiet lately, but we know you’re still out there. You’re probably hiding out at Whole Foods until this whole “is America a dictatorship?” question gets settled. Smart move. Hopefully, this letter reaches you before you stumble through a ...
“[Secretary of War] Hegseth ordered a lethal attack but not the killing of survivors, officials say… Amid talk of war crimes, the details and precise sequence of a Sept. 2 attack on a boat in the Caribbean are facing intensifying scrutiny.” — New York Times - - -
Can we all ...
Thank you for your interest in our funding opportunity. Please review our following updated guidelines before submitting your application. Artist must be citizen of the US or its surrounding territories. Artist must not be enrolled in a degree-granting institution at time of...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
Sorry, Silicon...
When you’re going to a concert or a sporting event, you’re worried about one thing: Will the stadium have an endless parking lot packed with thousands and thousands of cars, making entry and exit a living nightmare? Rest assured, when the city gave us the green light to buil...
McSweeney’s
• Wendi Aarons, Miriam Jayaratna, and Emily Flake
“Forget the sex; the real scandal here is the crime against language.” — Brian Phillips, The Ringer, on Olivia Nuzzi’s new memoir, American Canto, about her affair with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. - - -
“I desired. He desired me desiring. He desired to desire my desiring. It was t...
Thank you for dialing 911. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully, as our options have recently changed. To hear about our new subscription service, press 1. Are you tired of long response times? Tapping your foot while your house burns down? Consider upg...
(With apologies to Tim O’Brien) - - -
Mike carried Eggo waffles for a girl named Eleven. They were not love waffles, but Mike Sheets was hoping, so he carried the box of Eggos down the stairs to the basement. During science class at Hawkins Middle School or trick-or-treating...
