If we, two normal-style people, were to compete in the Winter Olympics, we would immediately die. Here’s how: Cross-Country Skiing 10K: We struggle to get on our skis and stand up at the starting line. Once we finally get going, we’re good for about five minutes and then are...
“The Supreme Court dealt a major blow to President Trump’s economic policy on Friday, ruling that he had exceeded his authority when he imposed tariffs on nearly every U.S. trading partner.” — New York Times - - -
Thank you for bringing this issue to the Supreme Court’s atte...
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Reporting poolside from Don Nelson’s home on Maui, where the Hall of Fame NBA coach is enjoying a dog-filled and largely barefoot retirement. - - -
I call Don Nelson from my rental car, which I’ve parked by some food trucks near the Kahului Airport. It rings through, ...
He lives with your family, and he’s sort of your brother. Not a red flag. Because he’s not your actual brother, and everyone has already met the parents. He is repeatedly bullied by your actual brother. Not a red flag. Kids are resilient, and there is no evidence that indiv...
I would like to begin by thanking Robert James Ritchie, aka “Kid Rock,” for the many years of steady employment that he has provided me, the adjective “Kid.” It has been a wild, sleeveless, never-eating-your-vegetables ride. However, after deep reflection and several unsucce...
“President Trump announced he was erasing the scientific finding that climate change endangers human health and the environment, ending the federal government’s legal authority to control the pollution that is dangerously heating the planet.” — New York Times - - -
The EPA w...
The lawman, Emmett Bransky, stands with his back to the outlaw “Coyote” Roscoe Higgins in the middle of Main Street mere minutes before high noon. Emmett gently adjusts his modest 6-Gallon hat. His 36-Pint vest is buttoned up to the collar, and his 4-Teaspoon belt buckle spa...
Picture it: Los Angeles in 1985. I’d moved there two years earlier to make it as a model, but all I had to show for it was a couple of car shows, one page of a local JCPenney circular, and a weekly “session” at Chateau Marmont with a freaky rich dude who I can’t say more abo...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
“I’ve been thin...
Glad I went with ominous drumbeats as the beckoning call, all four players looking upon the game with wonder and dread. Woodwinds/sitars would have been a mistake. Game instructions clear enough to be understood by players, vaguely threatening enough to unnerve them. Stru...
My dear constituents, Like you, I am deeply troubled by the Atrocity Machine’s recent activity. It is a stain on our nation, and we must take action. With this in mind, I am proud to announce that we are dedicating billions of dollars to the Atrocity Machine. Don’t think thi...
It has been quite a while since we last checked in with our favorite time-traveling teenagers, and Hitflix is pulling out all the stops for Time Warriors ’ blockbuster final season. Given how long it has been since the prior season aired, if you’re having trouble remembering...
I work as an Imagineer at The Hall of Presidents in Walt Disney World Resort. It’s a fine attraction that features our state-of-the-art Audio-Animatronics and realistic robots that embody the 45 men who have held America’s highest office. Shows have been running smoothly for...
From the people behind Books, come Books, For Men. Books, For Men have thick, sturdy pages. Built for a man’s eyeballs. Books, For Men are nonfiction. Imagination is not For Men. Books, For Men involve a subtitle, and that subtitle involves the phrase “Suicide Mission.” Avai...
Illustration by Chuan Ming Ong - - -
The author and his closest basketball confidantes undertake a formal analysis of Steph Curry’s shot at the Paris Olympics as art object. - - -
I was sixteen when my mother gifted me a painting by Ernie Barnes. I’d seen one Barnes paintin...
We here at Sleeplinen know this time of year can trigger all kinds of feelings. For many, Presidents’ Day is a loaded holiday. For some Americans, the wounds are fresh. For others, this is another bad chapter in a long book of injustice. But for all of you, we want to be a s...
“A new feature from Ring Camera is causing a stir online. The AI-powered ‘search party’ feature helps locate lost pets, but some are questioning its impact on privacy.” — NBC News - - -
Oh no, did Buster get out again? Because your white-picket-fence suburban dream doesn’t a...
As a child, my secret “cool kid” skill was the ability to eat the sourest candy—the kind that children only pop into their mouths when dared by the neighborhood bully—and shrug it off like it was absolutely nothing. The mean kids would encourage me to eat yet another Warhead...
McSweeney’s
• Anne Marie Wonder and Madeleine Trebenski
For people in relationships, February 14 is a day to celebrate love and romance with a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a thoughtfully written card. But for those in less clear-cut dynamics, Valentine’s Day creates a difficult quandary: How to acknowledge your insignificant other without jeopardizing the carefully crafted gray area of your situationship. They’re definitely not your Valentine, but they’re still… something. And surely that something deserves a card too?
As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning (OAOCSCHIL, an office we created in the last few years after realizing how lucrative these things are), I want to address a growing concern on campus: the ru...
A quart of ice cream every hour? No. Any processed food? No. What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl? No. Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin’ Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry? Still no. How about th...
I need you to write a memoir of my life as an obscure literary genius. Make it a multi-volume set, kind of like Casanova’s. Basically, the drama and bravado of my novels are outmatched only by my real life. At all times, you must make me sound tortured, misunderstood, and ex...
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their ...
Good take off… time for the weird forward lean. Make the pizza with your skis, yep. Heels are the tip, toes are crust. Nice, Spencer! You’ve got this. Why is Airplane WiFi so bad? Shouldn’t it be the best up here? Isn’t this where all the WiFi is? Phew, this is dangerous. Wh...
I know you think I’m evil. And a copycat. But I assure you, I’ve wanted to take out Causation long before Relative Risk stabbed Absolute Risk in the back at last month’s Stanford talk on the lethality of packaged, ready-to-eat kale. Absolute Risk had it coming, shamelessly t...
I don’t get what everyone on all sides is so angry about. Isn’t this exactly what the country voted for? Do we not remember the affordability crisis from 2024 and the price of everything? With the cost of food, energy, and housing, it was no surprise that America reelected D...
I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening at the exact same time as this party, on the second Sunday in February at 6:30 p.m. But if you were confused by my invitation, ...
I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening at the exact same time as this party, on the second Sunday in February at 6:30 p.m. But if you were confused by my invitation, ...
“My goal isn’t to be the best, because I’m not and never will be. It’s just to be better than I was yesterday—which is a very sports-brain thing.” - - -
Why Mina Kimes believes the NFL remains so culturally dominant: Every game matters It expanded its fan base through fant...
“President Trump called in a new interview for the Republican Party to ‘nationalize’ voting in the United States, an aggressive rhetorical step that was likely to raise new worries about his administration’s efforts to involve itself in election matters.” — New York Times - ...
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