Power on your PCs, my gentle users, because I just found a fresh Excel file to overcomplicate. Hoo boy, I can’t wait to rework every cell of “Company Staffing.xlsx.” Most peons at this company think a spreadsheet is just a tool to create a budget. Not me. Not us. You see, th...
“We need to prepare for the possibility that the U.S. uses military coercion against Canada.” — Headline from op-ed in The Globe and Mail. - - -
Jamming vital infrastructure with Anne of Green Gables souvenirs Giving birth to future resistance fighters without taking on crip...
V1: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box. V2: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box before breakfast. V3: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box when company is over. V4: I will not eat out of the cat’s litter box when Grandma, who doesn’t like dogs, is over. ...
“Shares in the world’s leading defense contractor, Lockheed Martin, rose 3.5 percent on the opening of trading as the market rushed to buy into defense stocks in the wake of recent events in Venezuela.” — The Motley Fool - - -
Bro, bro, bo, bro, BRO—we are SO FUCKING BACK. W...
In the early hours of January 3, 2026, President Trump ordered U.S. armed forces to conduct a targeted military operation in Venezuela that resulted in the detention and extradition of its leader, Nicolás Maduro. This followed years of escalating concern over Venezuela’s rol...
A comprehensive new survey has concluded that the ideal moment for you to have gotten your life together was roughly five years ago. Not now, not next year, not after one more reset or reinvention, but a very specific window in the past when you were already tired but still ...
Note: All of Jeanine Pirro’s dialogue below is taken from statements she has made on the record and accurately reflects the spirit in which they were delivered. - - -
MODERATOR: It’s the anniversary of the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol, and although five years have pa...
Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped. As an avid reader of the New York Post, the New York Post’s X feed, and transcripts of several-minute-long voice memos from my relatives who have never lived in New York and will never live in ...
As you’ve probably heard, a corrupt authoritarian president has been destroying his country for over a decade—and as of this weekend, he decided to invade Venezuela. But just who is this political criminal? If you’re just catching up, here’s what you should know: He’s a desp...
Our 2nd most-read article of 2025. - - -
It’s so easy to label people these days. From the way folks have been talking, you’d think everyone falls into two buckets: those who voted against the mayor who promised to blow up the city and those who voted for the mayor who prom...
Our 3rd most-read article of 2025. - - -
Originally published May 9, 2025. - - -
Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor water park. After nearly swallowing a wet Band-Aid in the wave pool, Owens—in a show of ...
Our 8th most-read article of 2025. - - -
Look, I get it. You thought what you posted was innocuous. Still, did you stop to think about everyone who has ever lived and how it could make them feel? I know, I know—all you did was share your chili recipe, but did you consider t...
Our 17th most-read article of 2025. - - -
Originally published April 25, 2025. - - -
Right now, you’re behind me, within reading distance on the freeway, at the stoplight, in the parking lot, maybe in the drive-thru line, or perhaps in my very own driveway (anywhere but a g...
We’re counting down our most-read pieces of 2025. This list will be updated daily until we reach #1 on December 31. Thanks to all our contributors, readers, and supporters this year!
It’s that magical time of year again. Candles and poinsettias decorate every surface, small children are dressed as sheep, angels are telling people to “Fear not.” So, really, with Christmas just hours away, what do any of us have to fear? Me, bitch. I’m the high A flat at t...
First, let’s get one thing clear, Santa: I ain’t a scab. The collective bargaining agreement clearly mandates the sleigh be led by a union-approved eight-reindeer team. Your little “won’t you guide my sleigh tonight” routine is a bald attempt to dilute the team’s negotiating...
7:00-8:30 A.M. Wake up whenever I want—no kids! 9 A.M. Open library, feeling refreshed and ready for the day. 10:30 A.M. Send another overdue notice to the impish man who checked out Tom Sawyer months ago and listed last known address as “Heaven.” Men like this are why I’m a...
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” Forget the naughty-and-nice list; we need a third list for morons. What the hell are you going to do with a hippopotamus? You do not have the resources or space to effectively care for a wild animal in your residential home, especially o...
A great star shines over a stable in Bethlehem. The Three Kings arrive and kneel before the Holy Family. BALTHAZAR: We come bearing gifts for the newborn king, O Holy Ones. MARY: Just put them on the table. We’re doing a white elephant thing this year. MELCHIOR: White elepha...
Dear Valued Child, This letter was slipped into your stocking to inform you that we recently identified a breach of our North Pole Magic Systems (NPMS) that may have compromised your personal data—namely, the thousands of hours of footage we have of when you are sleeping, as...
McSweeney’s
• Madeleine Trebenski and Anne Marie Wonder
For one magical night a year, Santa and his friends bring holiday cheer to millions of people around the world. For the rest of the 364 nights? They’re just like us: hustling to get by in an ever-shrinking global economy. Rudolph hasn’t had time for any reindeer games latel...
“Why, for fifty-three years, I’ve put up with it now! I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?” — Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas - - -
1. He’s roughly fifty-three years old, give or take. 2. Unlike the music from his day, he thinks everything the youth are...
FEATURES: - Ossuary jars - Anti-revolutionary painting - Toxic dust - Solastalgia - - -
It was a cold, dry night in April, and a crowd had gathered in the center of Nukus, the capital of the Central Asian Republic of Karakalpakstan, to squint through a skein of toxic dust ...
“President Donald Trump on Wednesday assailed his White House predecessors for not pushing back against Venezuela earlier and stated that his intention is ‘getting land, oil rights, whatever we had’ returned by the government in Caracas.” — PBS - - -
I’m absolutely disgusted...
Kate McCallister realizes that her son Kevin didn’t make it with them to the airport on their way to Paris for the holidays. She frantically pulls out her phone and calls him up. KEVIN: Hello? MOM: Kevin! KEVIN: Mom? MOM: I’m so sorry you’re home alone! Your sister accidenta...
EXT. — THE VASTNESS OF SPACE A star, representing the angel ALBERT, shoots across the sky. It stops at a distant GALAXY. As the heavenly bodies talk, their lights blink. ALBERT You sent for me, sir? GALAXY Yes, Albert. Tonight’s going to be the crucial night for "Young Punk ...
Mateo, a child, sits at a debate table opposite an empty chair. He’s surrounded by twenty Santa Claus Deniers, each holding a red flag. MATEO: My name is Mateo, I’m six years old, and Santa Claus is real. The sound of a countdown can be heard, “3…2…1… ding.” Several Santa De...
I am somewhat of a hot chocolate maven. I normally consume this winter-wonderful drink through powdered packages and hot water, and I know my way around the myriad packages in my local grocery aisle. You could say I am a bona fide Swiss Mistress. As I was scrolling through t...
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