Thank you so much for helping us welcome our new baby into the world. We’ve done a thesis amount of research as first-time parents, so here’s an overview of what we’d love from family and friends, and what we’re prepared to return or donate. It’s adorable how the baby—not us...
Take your time. You have to eat the whole cake, but you don’t have to eat it all in thirty seconds. A sitting can take as long as you need. Pacing yourself will reduce the risk of choking. Do the smart thing and slow down while you eat the entire cake off a cake stand, top ...
“[Nvidia CEO] Jensen Huang Is Begging You to Stop Being So Negative About AI” — Headline from Gizmodo
- - — Guys, enough is enough. Bullying is a serious issue, and it’s time for me to speak out. There’s an extremely hurtful narrative going around that my product, a revolut...
Jawn (/jôn/) A term used by New York transplants to pander to locals and/or cynically promote their recently opened boutique, restaurant, or bakery. “Come celebrate the grand opening of our new French-Belgian infusion cafe on Shunk. We’re calling it Merde Jawn.” Parking Spac...
Dear Customers: Some humans (I think? Hard to tell) in masks and vests showed up this morning and took Manny and Kumal away. As you may have noticed, those two were the only staff—despite this place being open from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., truly lazy, shiftless drains on society, ...
“Even as videos emerged that contradicted the government’s account, the Trump administration was in a race to control the narrative around the killing of Mr. Pretti, a registered nurse with no criminal record who was pinned down when immigration agents opened fire and killed...
“House Majority Whip Tom Emmer, R-Minn., slammed Minnesota state leaders after anti-Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agitators disrupted a church service in St. Paul… Emmer speculated many of the agitators were ‘chaos agents’ or paid protesters, adding that he belie...
1. Problem: The story you are writing has plot holes. Solution: Unreliable narrator. - - -
2. Problem: The story you are writing has severe, glaring plot holes. Solution: Unreliable narrator with amnesia. - - -
3. Problem: Even an unreliable narrator with amnesia can’t expla...
“In a free-wheeling speech to world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, President Trump…touched on his desire to obtain Greenland from Denmark…, America’s contribution to Nato, and wind energy in China.” —BBC - - -
Fellow knights, I have traveled a gre...
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
This market will resolve to “Yes” if the world ends before December 31, 2026, 11:59 PM ET. Otherwise, this market will resolve to “No.” Note that personal tragedy will not cause this market to resolve to “Yes,” no matter how disruptive it is to your daily life or sense of we...
“By making any Member Content available through the Site or Services, you hereby grant to Academia.edu a worldwide, irrevocable, royalty-free, non-exclusive, transferable license to exercise any and all rights under copyright, in any medium… including the generation and host...
“In a text message over the weekend, President Trump told Jonas Gahr Store, Norway’s prime minister, that since being denied the Nobel Peace Prize, he no longer felt obliged to ‘think purely of Peace.’” — New York Times - - -
Mayor McCheese, Sad to write this, very sad, but ...
“As support for abolishing ICE grows among Democratic voters, party leadership continues to argue for reform instead.” —Salon - - -
The Delegation to the Wall When word reached King’s Landing that the dead were stirring beyond the Wall, the brave Democrats of the Seven Kingd...
It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing on top of a wobbly fifteen-foot ladder, dusting a chandelier with an old TV Guide. “It’s fine,” she yells, “I’ve been doing thi...
Originally published January 17, 2025. - - -
1. “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But by all means, keep moving.” 2. “Why would Kim Jong Un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat’? Oh w...
Black seadevil anglerfish Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead. Don’t hate me if I: Latch on to you and permanently fuse to yo...
In these uncertain times, you need a steady hand at the wheel. An unblinking beacon of sure-footed decisiveness. A fearless, damn-the-torpedoes leader who will flawlessly accomplish every goal. You don’t have that person. But good news: You have me, a uniquely well-qualified...
“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents is not civil disobedience. It isn’t even protest. It’s just crime.” — David Marcus, writing in an op-ed for FoxNews.com ...
Hi, my name’s Kyle. Yes, I get in whatever lane has fewer cars and then merge. I merge late so others can practice forgiveness. I don’t see it as cutting someone off. I see it as giving them a spiritual workout. Merging, to me, is faith in motion. When I flick on my blinker,...
"President Trump called on Iranians on Tuesday to keep protesting against their government and warned that those responsible for killing demonstrators would ‘pay a big price.’” — New York Times “Donald Trump branded anti-ICE protests in Minnesota ‘fake riots,’ aired a crass ...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
I sent an Inst...
“WE ARE ENDING THE WAR ON PROTEIN.” — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Instagram, 1/11/26 - - -
In service of our mission to Make America Healthy Again, we are taking decisive action to end our country’s most protracted, most expensive, and mos...
Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town! In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything run smoothly. When everything runs smoothly, no one has to ask questions. Working also keeps Fascist Busytown safe. Safety is imp...
So you want to have a baby. That’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life. And with it comes an endless list of to-dos, supply needs, and pointers to make sure you don’t screw up this kid’s childhood. But before you get to any of that, have you double-checked tha...
The Foreskin Tactical Hoodie is the antithesis of all things feminine and female. It comes in black, brown, and olive green. It does not come in fuchsia, lilac, or ecru. It is perfect for outdoorsmen and army-man dress-up parties. It is not for doing stuff women normally do,...
Welcome to Blast Zone 66, Brooklyn’s ultimate adventure gym/future site of a grim 20/20 news segment. We’re the only place in the city where you can pay between $63-$74 to watch your children come perilously close to spinal injuries and hepatitis A—all to the booming hits of...
1. The Silent Convulsion The gold standard. A violent bodily shudder contained entirely within the torso. No noise or spray. Just a brief, grimace-induced aneurysm. You are a person of discipline. You would do well in a gulag. 2. The Double One to loosen the debris, one to ...
How do I live longer? Stress is a leading cause of early death. Avoid stress by spending every single day thinking about what you need to do to not die. If that doesn’t work, try meditation. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remember that each second of meditation is a...
“Federal and local officials dispute the circumstances that led an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer to fatally shoot a 37-year-old woman in Minneapolis on Wednesday” — NPR You think you’re watching a woman being shot in the face by an ICE agent, but what you’re re...
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