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McSweeney’s
• Sam E. Sutin
A Message from Your University President on the Recent Hippopotamus Attacks
Dear Faculty, Staff, Students, and AI Summarization Tools, I want to express my deepest gratitude for your patience as we explore innovative solutions to the recent string of gruesome hippopotamus attacks reported across central campus. Your steadfast commitment to our strat...
McSweeney’s
• Alex Baia
Introducing: Free Time
From the innovators who brought you Taking a Nap and Just Chilling, Free Time is a luxury experience beyond your wildest dreams. Free Time isn’t just a new product—it’s a total wellness optimization platform. It’s not an app but rather a mind-blowing vessel of unstructured t...
McSweeney’s
• Cezary Jan Strusiewicz
Iran Has Been an Imminent Threat to the U.S. for Forty-Seven Years
“The threats posed by Iran to the United States, while potentially serious, weren’t imminent. So Trump and his officials have redefined ‘imminent’ to include distant, indirect, and theoretical risks. They’ve stretched the word beyond any semblance of its meaning.” — Will Sal...
McSweeney’s
• Tom Ellison
What the Thousand-Year Blood Reign Means for Gas Prices
“Death toll in Middle East surpasses 1,100 as missile strikes continue.” — The Independent Gas prices continue to surge in the US, rising 14 percent in a week." — New York Times - - -
Questions are flying, ever since the start of Sepharax the Cruel’s Thousand-Year Blood Re...
McSweeney’s
• Andy Schocket
Why I, Lucifer, Rejected a Deal for Donald Trump’s Soul
I’ve made contracts with every sort of lowlife. I’ve been to the crossroads. I’ve been down to Georgia. I’ve signed agreements with legions of lawyers, living, as I do, in the details, and ended up with the souls of everyone except Daniel Webster, that prig-tastic blowhole. ...
McSweeney’s
• Madeline Goetz and Will Lampe
To Get Hot, Break Your Jaw. Then Everything Else
“Looksmaxxing”—achieving the hottest, manliest version of yourself—can be intimidating. It’s hard to know where to start, but we recommend with your jaw. Crack that bad boy wide open. A big, broad, shockingly vast jaw is the bedrock of masculinity. You’ve heard of the jaws o...
McSweeney’s
• Carrie Brownstein
Excerpts from The Believer: Ask Carrie: Winter 2025
Carrie Brownstein delivers a few sports-related tips and pointers. - - -
Q: My partner is the captain of a coed dodgeball league and has started hinting that he wants me to attend more games. I went to one recently and found myself feeling secondhand embarrassment for him. ...
McSweeney’s
• Jenny Singer
I’m the Second-Born Bridgerton Son, and I Don’t See Race
As a cisgender, white, bisexual second son of a viscount, and as a gentleman landowner of multiple estates on the unceded ancestral homeland of the Celts and Saxons, I don’t see race. Of late, many of my acquaintances have expressed very great wonder at this. I set down my l...
McSweeney’s
• Kristy Money
A.I. Checks in After Bombing Iran to See If You Still Think Its Bubble Is Bursting
“In order to strike a blistering 1,000 targets in the first 24 hours of its attack on Iran, the U.S. military leveraged the most advanced artificial intelligence it’s ever used in warfare, a tool that could be difficult for the Pentagon to give up even as it severs ties with...
McSweeney’s
• Devorah Blachor
Social Media Post Template for Influencers Stranded by the War
“Dubai influencers’ lives of luxury interrupted by Iran strikes: ‘The image of safety has been shattered.’” — The Guardian - - -
Thanks to everyone who has reached out to me. Never did I imagine that my [HOLIDAY / EXOTIC FOOD CRAWL / COMPED STAY IN THIS SIX-STAR HOTEL & ...
McSweeney’s
• Jack Sentell, Madeline Goetz, and Alison Dominguez
“Just Peachy,” and Other Fruity Feelings
“Just peachy” Things are going well… not! “Very cherry” You’ve got a pit in your stomach. “Basically banana” Today feels like your day. You weren’t ready yesterday, tomorrow’s not guaranteed, but today? Your golden window of opportunity. You’re basically banana. “Som...
McSweeney’s
• Elizabeth Simone
I Am Fighting Back Against the Trump Administration by Moving to Portugal
“More people moved out of the U.S. last year than moved in for the first time since the Great Depression as a record number of citizens moved abroad following Donald Trump’s return.” — The Daily Beast - - -
Ever since Trump returned to office, I have been outraged by everyth...
McSweeney’s
• Ryan Weber
Our Company Mourns a Beloved Employee, Whom We Must Replace Immediately
The Synergistic Synergies Subsidiaries family is devastated to announce the loss of our Chief Happiness Architect, Wayne Tillerson, an invaluable member of our corporate family whose vacant position is already accepting applications through our HR portal. Wayne will be remem...
McSweeney’s
• Carlos Greaves
Does Your Country Need Regime Change? A Quiz
“In announcing the U.S. military strike on Iran, President Donald Trump went significantly beyond his previous justification of destroying the country’s nuclear program. He’s now also calling for regime change—and encouraging the Iranian people to rise up and overthrow their...
McSweeney’s
• Greg Mania
I’m Pepsi, and I’m Actually Okay
Before you ask, yes—I’m actually okay. I can feel you hesitating, the way people do when they lower their expectations out of politeness. You ask this question as if it comes with a proviso, like something unfortunate but manageable is about to happen to your lunch. But I’ve...
McSweeney’s
• Michelle Cohn
The Solution to the Male Loneliness Epidemic Is for Men to Bust Science Myths with Each Other
Men, guys, dudes, rejoice! After much research and testing, we have found the cure to the cursed male loneliness epidemic that is sweeping our country and our op-ed sections. We know you feel isolated. We know you can’t talk about your emotions. We know you’re looking for ma...
McSweeney’s
• Jack Loftus
Congratulations to Me, a Kamala Harris Voter, Who Got Exactly What I Voted For
“Trump’s best foreign policy? Not starting any wars… He has my support in 2024 because I know he won’t recklessly send Americans to fight overseas.” — JD Vance, in an op-ed in The Wall St. Journal, 7/31/23 - - -
I like to think of myself as someone who takes responsibility. ...
McSweeney’s
• Håkon Osmundsen
Revisions for Your Hopelessly Optimistic Dystopian YA Novel
Dear Sir/Madam, While we are always on the lookout for the Next Big Thing, the editors regret to inform you that your manuscript, in its current form, is rejected on grounds of being unrealistic, absurdly optimistic, and, frankly, preferable to the current projections for th...
McSweeney’s
• Nick Hornby
Excerpts from The Believer: Sports Books I Have Read or Written
- - -
A one-off, sports-issue special. - - -
Books read:
Football Against the Enemy: How the World’s Most Popular Sport Starts and Fuels Revolutions and Keeps Dictators in Power—Simon Kuper
Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch Football—David Winner
The Season—...
McSweeney’s
• Emily Greenberg and Cliff Mayotte
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: January 2026: Atrocities 658-730
Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
McSweeney’s
• Caroline Ulwick
I Am Dyeing My Hair Brown
I have an announcement: I am dyeing my hair brown—deep, thick, chocolatey brown. I do this to signal I am entering a period of mental and emotional darkness. I am embracing the winter. I am welcoming in the gloom. Gone are the halcyon days of being a “bronde.” Bronde me said...
McSweeney’s
• Megan Giddings
Open-Hearted in Minneapolis
In the winter here, it’s not unusual to see a car on the side of I-35. Minneapolis is the first place I’ve ever lived that, when I described a recent-ish car accident I was in, multiple people said, “Now, you live here.” The first time I heard someone say it, I was too grump...
McSweeney’s
• Tim Latterner
You Think New York is Bad? Try Living in Roku City
I read the news. I hear the cries for help. “New York has a housing crisis.” “The cost of food is too high in New York.” “Crime is too high in New York.” “Crime is too low in New York.” “Zohran will save us.” “Zohran will kill us all.” And to this I say: “You have no fucking...
McSweeney’s
• Eli Grober
My Fellow Americans, We Are Richer Than Ever Before. Well, You Aren’t, but We Are
“My fellow Americans, our nation is back—bigger, better, richer and stronger than ever before.” — Donald Trump during his State of the Union - - -
My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight to make one thing very clear: we are richer than ever before. You aren’t, of cou...
McSweeney’s
• McSweeney's Books
McSweeney’s Books: McSweeney’s and Broadway Video Present: Documentary Now! (Fourth Edition, Revised and Expanded)
Hitchcock/Truffaut. Cahiers du Cinéma. Documentary Now! The best film texts touch our lives and leave an indelible imprint on our shared cultural experience, deepening and enriching our relationships with this most universal of modern artistic genres. In this new, fully rev...
McSweeney’s
• Maura Quint
Maura Quint’s State of the Union Recap
State Of The Union February 24, 2026 Washington, DC 8:52 PM: The State of the Union is opened by House Majority Leader Mike Johnson, who has been released from his medium-sized dog cage specially for this evening. He welcomes congressional attendees with a giggle, as this is...
McSweeney’s
• Kate Tyndall
Being a Luddite Is Cool and All, but Have You Seen the Hilarious Tapestries These New Looms Are Making?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m as invested in keeping my job as the next weaver. When the boss brought in that big new power loom, I was pretty skeptical. He said once he got it up and running, we’d all be out of a job, so when the boys started talking about breaking into the facto...
McSweeney’s
• Megan Amram
New Protein Menus
Brands like Chipotle, Dunkin, and Starbucks have started offering new protein-dense menu items. Here are more companies making exciting protein-based revamps. Jamba Juice This sweet smoothie brand is branching out into savory, high-protein options. Try the “shepherd’s pie” s...
McSweeney’s
• Talia Argondezzi
Introducing Our Lord and Savior, the College’s New Strategic Initiative
Higher education faces looming threats from every direction. Dwindling enrollments. The demographic cliff. The enduring myth that professors have the time, inclination, and personal charm to brainwash the nation’s youth. Fire. Brimstone. Eternal damnation. The philosophy dep...