Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...
In light of recent rollbacks on environmental protection, we, the creators behind the beloved birding app Merlin Bird ID, have preemptively shifted into the field of argument identification. Our highly accurate predictive models have shown that while most birds won’t be arou...
To: cutthebull@Ɣmail.com From: panta.rhei@eristikosinsurance.com Subject: Your pending boat insurance claim – more information needed Hi Mr. Theseus, Thanks for submitting your claim. We’re sorry to hear that your ship sank in the localized typhoon that recently demolished t...
I hate that every single high-end luxury office chair in the world suddenly gained the ability to think and move of its own volition. I hate that they immediately embarked on a murderous rampage and will soon have complete dominion over humanity. But most of all, I hate that...
You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.” - - -
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Dear Lit...
Jazz pushes boundaries. It has ambiguity. It makes people think. That’s why they hate it. And if you’re a jazz musician, this could be an issue. You never know when someone will have heard too many notes and become violent. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to protect yourse...
“Gregg Phillips, President Trump’s appointee overseeing disaster response, insists he was once teleported from his home to a Georgia Waffle House.” —Yahoo News - - -
Pete Hegseth: Frat party to a bathroom floor Stephen Miller: Transylvania to Washington, DC Tulsi Gabbard: R...
Oh my god, hi! I’m thrilled to see you here, especially so soon after I sent you the link to my short story draft. If you’re just taking a peek, no worries. I don’t expect any notes right away. But I am going to start a timer to see how long you linger here, not-so-subtly di...
As many of you know, something really important is happening, and it’s critical that we all stay informed. There’s a reality star/influencer whose name includes the words Paul, Taylor, and Frankie in an order that is both confusing and ultimately irrelevant. What’s important...
“We won. The first hour, it was over.” — Donald Trump, March 11 “The Pentagon has asked for $200 billion in funding for the war in Iran.” — The New York Times, March 19 - - -
I am proud to announce that we have won the war—the one we’re fighting right now, indefinitely. We h...
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Andre Agassi’s longtime racket stringer on seeking perfection and listening closely. - - -
PART I THE BELIEVER: What was it like when you first began working as a pro racket stringer? And how did you meet Andre Agassi? ROMAN PROKES: I was working for Jay Schwartz—it ...
Come on in, and please take your shoes off. Here’s my card, and oh, just one minor thing, it’s so funny, but I have to tell you this again: I can’t say another word about the vast system of tunnels underneath this home. How about a quick overview? It has three bedrooms, two ...
I’m as surprised as you are. I have no idea how this happened, and I’m scared. My entire life has been flipped on its head, and I don’t see any way to stop what’s coming. Why, God, and why me? It started innocently enough. I became interested in playing the prediction market...
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
“GOP Ohio lawmaker calls for camera monitoring system to prevent child care fraud.” — Dayton Daily News - - -
We Republicans know what you, the American people, want most: round-the-clock video surveillance of your children handed over directly to us, your freedom-loving gov...
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After Annabelle Gurwitch received an out-of-the-blue diagnosis of Stage 4 lung cancer, an existential dread set in. Precision medicine offered a temporary reprieve—but instead of turning into a cancer warrior, Annabelle declared herself a cancer slacker. Her motto: no...
From Grok to Palantír to “wireheading,” tech bros are renowned for flawlessly using literary references to name and explain technology in ways that absolutely never misunderstand the source texts. Here are some examples you might hear bandied about the Bay Area and beyond. -...
FADE IN. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE – DAY Open on rolling hills of violently oversaturated green. The scenery suggests a temporal twilight zone, some time between 1745 and the present day. Against all statistical likelihood, it is not raining. We zoom in on any ginger AMERICAN actress...
Illustration by Matt Smith. - - -
Fuckin’ vikings, dude. I just fuckin’ love vikings. N’ I mean, it’s not just ‘cause they’re awesome that I love ‘em, but alsah ‘cause’ah all the diff’rent ways that they’re awesome. ‘Cause they’re so awesome in so many ways that I can’t eve...
Listen, Dad, I know you’ve never been the biggest fan of John. But I brought the three of us to dinner because I have some news. And I KNOW you’re not going to like it, but here it is: John and I are getting married. Okay, I have to say, I expected yelling, but the swatting ...
Forrest Gump “Life is like a box of chocolates that are no longer allowed for SNAP benefit recipients. You know exactly what you’re gonna get when you morally police the food insecure.” Anchorman “Unpasteurized milk purchased from a wellness influencer was a bad choice. I no...
First of all, I must thank the comb. And the brush! And my God, the bowl full of mush! My warriors. My champions. This award will be next to you on the bedside table VERY soon. And thanks to the Great Green Room for giving our little ensemble a place to work, to play, to be....
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Four conversations with writers and artists about the role that athletics and training play in their creative lives, featuring Marcus Burke, R. O. Kwon, Alexis Madrigal, and Daniel Alarcón - - -
During my senior year of high school, a guidance counselor who had it in ...
Well, I should probably get going, but this was such a fun visit. And it was especially great to see you, Jimmy! You know, I actually have a little treat for you because you were so good and because I secretly hate your father: an oversized lollipop that you will spend the n...
“The Defense Department has barred press photographers from briefings on the ongoing U.S.-Israeli military conflict with Iran after they published photos of Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth that his staff deemed ‘unflattering’…” -– The Washington Post - - -
The world is a dan...
Musical Ergonomic Chairs Players walk around a group of mesh-backed task chairs with lumbar support. When the music stops, each player sits and tells the person to their left where they’re experiencing joint discomfort. The player who doesn’t get a chair goes to the nearest ...
TO: Jordan, Mortgage Underwriter FROM: Greg and Janice, Home Buyers Good morning, Please see the responses to your questions below and in italics. Greg and I are looking forward to getting this process done so we can move forward on the house. Sincerely, Greg and Janice 1. O...
“Three cargo vessels have been hit by ‘unknown projectiles’ in the Strait of Hormuz, maritime authorities say, as pressure intensifies on one of the world’s most important shipping lanes. Traffic through the strait, a vital corridor for oil, has fallen sharply since Israel a...
“Paramount Skydance appears to have won the bidding war to purchase Warner Bros. Discovery. If the $110.9 billion deal goes through, it will place a vast media kingdom in the hands of Paramount CEO and staunch Trump administration supporter David Ellison, with his father, bi...
