Illustration by Chuan Ming Ong - - -
The author and his closest basketball confidantes undertake a formal analysis of Steph Curry’s shot at the Paris Olympics as art object. - - -
I was sixteen when my mother gifted me a painting by Ernie Barnes. I’d seen one Barnes paintin...
We here at Sleeplinen know this time of year can trigger all kinds of feelings. For many, Presidents’ Day is a loaded holiday. For some Americans, the wounds are fresh. For others, this is another bad chapter in a long book of injustice. But for all of you, we want to be a s...
“A new feature from Ring Camera is causing a stir online. The AI-powered ‘search party’ feature helps locate lost pets, but some are questioning its impact on privacy.” — NBC News - - -
Oh no, did Buster get out again? Because your white-picket-fence suburban dream doesn’t a...
As a child, my secret “cool kid” skill was the ability to eat the sourest candy—the kind that children only pop into their mouths when dared by the neighborhood bully—and shrug it off like it was absolutely nothing. The mean kids would encourage me to eat yet another Warhead...
McSweeney’s
• Anne Marie Wonder and Madeleine Trebenski
For people in relationships, February 14 is a day to celebrate love and romance with a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a thoughtfully written card. But for those in less clear-cut dynamics, Valentine’s Day creates a difficult quandary: How to acknowledge your insignificant other without jeopardizing the carefully crafted gray area of your situationship. They’re definitely not your Valentine, but they’re still… something. And surely that something deserves a card too?
As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning (OAOCSCHIL, an office we created in the last few years after realizing how lucrative these things are), I want to address a growing concern on campus: the ru...
A quart of ice cream every hour? No. Any processed food? No. What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl? No. Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin’ Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry? Still no. How about th...
I need you to write a memoir of my life as an obscure literary genius. Make it a multi-volume set, kind of like Casanova’s. Basically, the drama and bravado of my novels are outmatched only by my real life. At all times, you must make me sound tortured, misunderstood, and ex...
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their ...
Good take off… time for the weird forward lean. Make the pizza with your skis, yep. Heels are the tip, toes are crust. Nice, Spencer! You’ve got this. Why is Airplane WiFi so bad? Shouldn’t it be the best up here? Isn’t this where all the WiFi is? Phew, this is dangerous. Wh...
I know you think I’m evil. And a copycat. But I assure you, I’ve wanted to take out Causation long before Relative Risk stabbed Absolute Risk in the back at last month’s Stanford talk on the lethality of packaged, ready-to-eat kale. Absolute Risk had it coming, shamelessly t...
I don’t get what everyone on all sides is so angry about. Isn’t this exactly what the country voted for? Do we not remember the affordability crisis from 2024 and the price of everything? With the cost of food, energy, and housing, it was no surprise that America reelected D...
I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening at the exact same time as this party, on the second Sunday in February at 6:30 p.m. But if you were confused by my invitation, ...
I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening at the exact same time as this party, on the second Sunday in February at 6:30 p.m. But if you were confused by my invitation, ...
“My goal isn’t to be the best, because I’m not and never will be. It’s just to be better than I was yesterday—which is a very sports-brain thing.” - - -
Why Mina Kimes believes the NFL remains so culturally dominant: Every game matters It expanded its fan base through fant...
“President Trump called in a new interview for the Republican Party to ‘nationalize’ voting in the United States, an aggressive rhetorical step that was likely to raise new worries about his administration’s efforts to involve itself in election matters.” — New York Times - ...
What time is kickoff? The Bad Bunny concert kicks off around 8:00 or 8:30 p.m., but there will be pre-concert entertainment starting at 6:30 p.m. from one group called the “New England Patriots” and another called the “Seattle Seahawks.” Will I still be able to enjoy the Bad...
At long last, the legendary 7-Eleven Japanese-style egg salad sandwich has landed in the USA. A creation on par with Tamagotchi and the rice cooker. Praised and craved by American tourists, teenage weebs, and coworkers who take any opportunity to bring up their recent trip t...
Look upon me, for I am the baby staring at you from the hollow gap betwixt two airplane seats, and I know when you are going to die. Do not turn away from my stare. To look away is to ignore, and to ignore is to rob yourself of knowledge. Gaze into the deep well of my light-...
“If I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein.” — Elon Musk, dismissing the emails between him and notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein that were part of the latest E...
“The $170 billion price tag for immigration enforcement eclipses other law enforcement expenditures at the federal, state, and local level…. The law substantially increases funds for deportations without providing any money to make the system more fair or functional.” — The ...
Wendy lit the stove to heat a pot of tomato soup. She turned to grab a wooden spoon and gasped. Two little girls in smocked dresses stood in the doorway. “Come play with us,” one said. “I’m making lunch,” Wendy whispered. “We want you to play with us,” the other girl said. T...
This letter is to inform you that your career aptitude test evaluation is complete. Your recommended career: Bridge Troll. Here at the Career Aptitude Institute, we evaluate thousands of tests each year from students all over the country. In the entire history of our organiz...
“Responding to videos that suggested their son [V.A. nurse Alex Pretti, who was killed by federal immigration agents] was a ‘domestic terrorist,’ Pretti’s family said: ‘The sickening lies told about our son by the administration are reprehensible and disgusting.’” — BBC - - ...
Why the hell did he save so many Funko Pops? “Dr. Ian Malcolm with His Shirt Open.” “Homer Simpson in a Muumuu.” He’s got two Green Power Rangers, one with the Dragon Dagger and one without. A lot of these say COMIC-CON EXCLUSIVE, which probably makes them more valuable? Alt...
Hey, patriot. It’s been a week. As ICE spreads terror through the streets, and Teacup Eichmann presided over the murder of yet another innocent civilian in Minneapolis (bringing this year’s known death toll up to eight), I know a lot of you are struggling to recognize me lat...
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A series of essential advice. - - -
The first time I tried to ski was a catastrophe. I’ve always been unathletic and clumsy, the kind of person who hates being cold, hates waking up early, hates going fast, hates excessive gear, and generally has a bad attitude. Nonet...
QUESTION: Sally wants to graduate from college, establish a career, marry an ideal partner, buy a home, and have a baby by age 27.5, the national average age for women to give birth in the US, and a peak time of fertility. If she takes a gap year to backpack around Europe, w...
After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours. I realize that my late-’80s construction might not land me in the “trendin...
I’m obviously acting the same as I’ve always acted, and nothing about me has changed. I FEEL FINE WEARING A HENLEY, SO THERE IS NO NEED TO LOOK AT ME. I’m confident enough to wear it. I just have to feel confident, and I’ll be confident. Does my right shoulder seem lower tha...
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