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Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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McSweeney’s
• Casey Rand

When I’ll Know AI Can Replace Me

When it can get a tummy ache. When it’s constantly running ten minutes late. When it says “I’m fine,” but it really isn’t fine. When it reschedules dinner dates to watch old episodes of The O.C. When it buys tickets to a Wilco concert and forgets to go. When it takes a hard ...

McSweeney’s
• Gary M. Almeter

FAQ: Potato Salad

Q: What is in potato salad? Okay. Deep breath. In this potato salad, there are potatoes. Mayonnaise. Paprika, obviously. Two giant celery chunks. One red onion diced. Three hard-boiled eggs. Two ants and three ant fragments. Jorts fringe. Over eight million dormant bacterial...

McSweeney’s
• Gracie Beaver-Kairis

I’m Thrilled to Be Back from Maternity Leave

Of course I’m happy to be back from maternity leave. Thanks for asking. Although in Scandinavia they get something like a year off to take care of a new baby, I am ready to hit the ground running, even though I can’t actually run because I’m still healing from getting dozens...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Underwater Existentialism

Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest.

- - -

McSweeney’s
• Kyle Shamorian

Rationale for War with Iran or Reason Men Back into Parking Spaces?

1. They hope to make a quick exit.

2. They want to reduce the chance of getting hit.

3. They enjoy displaying their skill even if little is actually accomplished and it takes longer than necessary.

4. It’s basically just become a habit now.

5. New cameras and sensors make it easier than ever before.

6. They enjoy a moment of control and power in an otherwise chaotic world.

7. Conditions will be more hazardous later if they don’t use this maneuver now.

8. Their dads and grandads did it, too.

9. They must protect the defenseless Americans walking through this Trader Joe’s parking lot.

10. To distract from the Epstein files.

- - -

Both: 1-9
Rationale for War with Iran: 10

McSweeney’s
• Kyle Shamorian

Rationale for War with Iran or Reason Men Back Into Parking Places?

1. They hope to make a quick exit.

2. They want to reduce the chance of getting hit.

3. They enjoy displaying their skill even if little is actually accomplished and it takes longer than necessary.

4. It’s basically just become a habit now.

5. New cameras and sensors make it easier than ever before.

6. They enjoy a moment of control and power in an otherwise chaotic world.

7. Conditions will be more hazardous later if they don’t use this maneuver now.

8. Their dads and grandads did it, too.

9. They must protect the defenseless Americans walking through this Trader Joe’s parking lot.

10. To distract from the Epstein files.

- - -

Both: 1-9
Rationale for War with Iran: 10

McSweeney’s
• Rachel Reyes

I Have Never Made This Recipe, but I Give It Five Stars

Five big stars for these blueberry muffins. This delightful treat by Dana’s Delish blog has it all, including a crunchy crumble topping and a just-right burst of juicy berries. They look delicious—based on the picture Dana posted, that is. I haven’t actually made these. As s...

McSweeney’s
• Hallie Pritts

Reviews of New Food: Aldi Crystal Clear Frozen Ice Cubes

My most enjoyable ice experience occurred sometime in the 1980s. On a hot day, my aunt made all the cousins get out of the pool for lunch. She passed out bologna-on-white-bread sandwiches, then dropped ice cubes into a line of waxy shell-pink plastic tumblers endemic to the ...

McSweeney’s
• Gwynna Forgham-Thrift

Family Vacation Training Plan

The Family Vacation is a great way to challenge yourself as a daughter, girlfriend, and human being. This six-week plan will help you build towards your ten-day trip to London with nine family members in tow, using a variety of exercises designed to prepare your body, mind, ...

McSweeney’s
• Carlos Greaves

The Old Man and the Strait

With apologies to Ernest Hemingway. - - - He was an old man who had started a war in a faraway Gulf, and he had gone one hundred and forty-three days now without reopening the Strait. After forty days, a tentative ceasefire had been reached. Then another one. Then another on...

McSweeney’s
• Emily Flake

I’m Jimothy, the Short-Spined Raccoon Who Has Taken the Internet by Storm, and the Collective Weight of Your Adoration Is Breaking My Already-Compromised Back

“A video just a few seconds long and accompanied by a simple question, ‘What am I looking at?’ was enough to turn a Seattle raccoon into a global internet sensation this week. The viral critter—dubbed ‘Jimothy’ by the internet—has a shorter spine than the average raccoon. Hi...

McSweeney’s
• Stephen Ruddy

I Watched the Copa Mundial Non-Stop on Telemundo for Cinco Weeks and Now I Don’t Hablar Inglés Anymore

Hola, Chad aquí, de Greenwich, Connecticut, a muy blanco área of los Estados Unidos. A few weeks ago, I decidir to watch Estados Unidos vs. Paraguay in fútbol. Normalmente, I watch “football” and not “fútbol—¡Soy muy americano!—but I was curioso about the Copa Mundial; also,...

McSweeney’s
• James Weaver

My Next Book Project

My next book project doesn’t simply interrogate the hyperindividualist cultural norms of our current moment; it waterboards them. It attaches electrical nodes to them and shocks them into submission. It commits every act of intellectual violence against them. All in furtheri...

McSweeney’s
• Carlos Greaves

Our Investigation Found That Shen Yun Used U.S. Voter Rolls to Distribute Flyers to Hundreds of Millions of American Households

“President Trump used a rare prime-time address Thursday night to renew his attacks on the security of U.S. elections…Trump said China had accessed voter data of 220 million people in 18 states, but that information is generally publicly available and does not contain inform...

McSweeney’s
• Amy Greenlee

Is It a Red Flag? The Odyssey Edition

He’s been away from home for twenty years. Not a red flag. This is an opportunity for you to embrace some alone time and discover new interests, like bird-watching or weaving burial shrouds. He’s been having sexual relations with a goddess. Not a red flag, since refusing a...

McSweeney’s
• Brandon J. Talley

As Your Manager, I Don’t Think It’s Too Much to Ask That You Read My Mind

I’ve requested this meeting because I’ve noticed a concerning trend: It doesn’t seem like you’re reading my mind. This is quite troubling because tasks I’ve never mentioned before are falling through the cracks. All of this could be avoided if you quit relying on written or ...

McSweeney’s
• Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

We Need to Stop This Reckless Rhetoric About Abolishing the Thought Police

“As a new video emerged capturing gunshots and yelling in a fatal shooting in Maine involving federal immigration officers, the state’s governor called on Congress to immediately reform and rein in ICE ‘before more families are robbed of a loved one.’” — ABC News - - - I’ve ...

McSweeney’s
• Kate Chrisman

Effective Immediately, Every God-Fearing Soldier Will Be Jacked to the Gills with Testosterone

“Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced on Wednesday a new mandatory screening program to test all service members age 30 and older, including women, for testosterone deficiency annually.” – New York Times - - - In the past, Washington said the real dangers facing American...

McSweeney’s
• Ali Fitzgerald

Disgruntled Performance

McSweeney’s
• Emily Greenberg and Chase Bush-McLaughlin

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: June 2026: Atrocities 1014-1112

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to e...

McSweeney’s
• Ellie Race-Moore

A Case for the Giant Toxic Goo Pit I Want to Build in the Center of Town

I am a humble man. I made my fortune the old-fashioned way, through grit, determination, and a small multi-million-dollar loan from my father. And now I’m trying to achieve something beyond what humans have ever imagined: a giant toxic goo pit. Polling suggests people are up...

McSweeney’s
• Tom Ellison

Introducing: MAN-THOLOGY, by Alpha Male Guru, Chud Buffly

- - - Alpha Master Chud Buffly has hunted and gathered his most elite tips and musings into a daily reading that will allow all men to achieve peak performance with only the most primal practices, protocols, and powders. With the help of frequent McSweeney’s contributor, To...

McSweeney’s
• Ellen Poplavska

Text Messages from the Mall Food Court Kiosk Where I Am Trying to Order a Chicago-Style Hot Dog

Your total is $6.99. You added relish. Your total is $7.99. You added mustard. Your total is $8.99. You tried to remove mustard. Your total is $9.99. You tried to add ketchup. What is wrong with you? Your total is $12.99. We queried the Google Maps API and saw the closest op...

McSweeney’s
• Aliza Zelin Neidich

Transcript from the Annual Meeting of the Global Children’s Shoe-Sizing Consortium

CHAIRPERSON: Welcome, delegates. Before we begin, I’d like to congratulate everyone on another successful year of making children’s shoe sizing completely incomprehensible. (Applause.) VICE CHAIRPERSON: Thank you. As you know, our mission remains unchanged: no parent should ...

McSweeney’s
• Patrick Coyne

Enjoy Our Beach House, but Please Don’t Open the Beguiling Door of Mystery

Welcome to your beachside getaway. We are so glad to have you as our guests. Feel free to unpack, relax, kick off your shoes, and become better acquainted with your surroundings. Your vacation officially starts now… Just a tiny request. You see how the house has one locked d...

McSweeney’s
• Lisa Borders

As a Democratic Member of Congress, I Don’t Wish to Speak Ill of the Dead

“Lindsey Graham, a Republican senator from South Carolina and a onetime opponent turned stalwart ally of President Trump who was a forceful advocate for an interventionist U.S. foreign policy, died on Saturday evening.” — New York Times - - - I don’t wish to speak ill of the...

McSweeney’s
• Jess Keefe

I’m Cyclosporiasis, the Explosive Diarrhea Parasite, and I’m Pivoting to Music

It’s a little embarrassing, but yeah, you’ve probably heard of me. Cyclosporiasis? I’m kind of, like, the most famous parasitic illness in the country right now? It’s so crazy, dude, but I’m grateful for the platform. Now I can transmit my talents to my true passion: Music. ...

McSweeney’s
• Mike Drucker

My Critics Are Missing the Nuance of My Membership in the Wealthy People Hunting Poor People for Sport Club

By now, many of you have probably read or heard about the recent exposé revealing a secretive society in which the wealthy and the famous hunt poor people for sport. I more than understand fans being concerned about my reported involvement when they’re seeing bizarre headlin...

McSweeney’s
• John Moe

A Letter from Mick Jagger to the Devil on the First Draft of “Sympathy for the Devil”

Lucifer, you old dog! Thanks for all the success you’ve granted me and the lads, Luci. Must say we were surprised that you didn’t want our souls in return, just a chance to write a song together. But great! Also delighted you sent your proposed new lyrics in the form of a de...

McSweeney’s
• Cezary Jan Strusiewicz

President Trump’s Mind Is Too Advanced to Be Constrained by Reality

“‘We had 111 missiles shot by the Islamic Republic of Japan. They were shot at the aircraft carrier,’ Trump said, inventing a new government and confusing Japan with Iran.” — The New Republic - - - The White House would like to address the malicious rumors that President Tru...